My lodger has stolen some expensive foundation

[Pistachiovillian]

I've had the lodger about 3 months now.

I had some expensive foundation that I'd been saving as a gift to give to someone as I seldom wear it. It wasn't with my other make-up, that's all in the bathroom-it was still in its box, in the kitchen along with some other little bits I've saved up. It has been there for months.

Yesterday morning when I got up she'd already left the house and the bottle was in the bathroom near the mirror, where I'd normally put my make-up on and had obviously been used.

Last night I found the crumpled-up box on the stairs to her room.

I know It's 'just' a bottle of foundation. But it was expensive foundation (about £50 worth) that I'd felt I didn't want to just use myself. She'd have known it was expensive too.

It was obviously not with my other make-up, which I may have not been bothered if she'd used-I do have some foundation in the bathroom, obviously half-used, that she could have used as I do wear it occasionally and I'd have probably not even noticed that!

For what It's worth, I do have a bit of an issue with dealing with this sort of thing, confronting people, I never know how annoyed I am supposed to be! Childhood issue.

I do feel disrespected though. I'd never take something of someone else's without asking unless I 100% knew that they'd be okay with it! And if she's taken that, what else might she take going forward?

What would you feel about this? And do?

I would ask for the money back and if that wasn't immediately forthcoming I'd be giving her notice to move out.

She is a thief. What else has she helped herself to that's yours?

She's taking the piss, give her notice to leave

That’s really rude! I’m also not good at confrontation but I’d have to say something here - I’d have the bottle & crumpled box out and just say, ‘this was for a gift, why have you used it, I’ll need you to replace it’

And then just let her speak, don’t fill the silence. Cheeky cow!

You're 'supposed' to be as annoyed as you need to be to represent who you are. So you set the rules, there is no 'supposed'.

What do you need to say to her? If you were unfettered? 'Move out'? 'You're a thief'? 'I feel disrespected by your behaviour'?

Work out what you want to say. Say it. It's not a conversation so you don't have to be good at conflict.

That’s pretty shocking- not just that she took it but that she was so blatant as to leave it lying around and the packaging on the stairs. She clearly doesn’t even see it as wrong or care what you think.

As pp said I would raise it: “Hi, can we have a word, I found my foundation has been opened and used. I’d like it replaced please”. If she apologised profusely and replaced it then she’d get a second chance, if not I’d be looking for a new lodger.

I’d give her notice; you can’t trust her so even if she replaced it the trust won’t come back and there’s not a valid reason for her to have done this. Make sure you lock things in your room going forward until she moves out

This. Except don’t say that you need to replace it yourself, she does. Make it clear it was a gift you bought for someone so she’ll need to replace it.

I agree with the others

but I also can’t imagine leaving valuable and expensive make up in the kitchen. Put it away somewhere safe?

This isn't going to work.

Is there any way she could have made a mistake? As it's quite blatant leaving it out and packaging in her room. If not it's really rude and blatant. Id say that she has mistakenly used your friends gift and you require a refund. Have a written notice ready for it she argues or challenges you and hand it over. Otherwise you could think about how genuine she is after and give notice anyway if you want but just say change of circumstances. I'm guessing she's demonstrated some other poor behaviour if she has done this. In these circumstances I'd give notice anyway.

I get what you’re saying but her whole home should feel safe. The lodger should have respect.

I’d kick her out because this might be the thin end of the wedge.

What will she steal next? She’s a thief and has started small and, is so entitled she didn’t even cover her tracks.

Meanwhile, put everything you don’t want her to have access to in your room or a locked space. Get a trades in to put a lock on your bedroom door. (It can easily be done.)

Why is it ok for her to use anything of yours? Makeup/lipsticks/brushes etc? All laden with her bacteria. No!
Does she steal your food? Break open a new packet of cheese, drink the last of your milk?
Nah, it’s not worth the hassle having a thieving lodger BUT you need to protect yourself by not trusting anyone you take in, put boundaries in place, don’t leave your handbag lying around, fit locks and put away stuff you don’t want others to have access to.

This. You don’t have to make it complicated.

Thank you everyone. I am actually quite sad about it-not the foundation per-se, if I really wanted it I could get some more-It's more so yes, as is said above-the blatant leaving it lying about for me to find that she'd just thought 'I'm having that!' and taken it! And she could do that with other things?

Sorry to drip-feed but might it make a difference that it was a certain brand, that my partner sometimes gets cheap through work. So I didn't pay a lot for it-and lodger would have known that as she knows where DP works? So she'd have known it was expensive but also known I didn't pay full price for it?

DP sometimes buys things in the sales, and then sells them on (all above board)to friends and family but if they don't sell, I get given them. That's where I got it from. Does that make a difference?

If I don't give her notice I see myself being very wary of leaving anything of any value at all hanging about now.

She doesn't sound like a nice person so -> notice.

@BigBadBarri I understand that, I do. I am not the most organised person and if I'd have put it away I may have forgotten I had it and make-up has a use-by date. But also, I should be able to leave anything anywhere in my own home in theory shouldn't I. I lived alone for a long time so perhaps just got used to being able to do what I want.

I have had other things go missing recently but I had put it down to me just misplacing things. Now I am not so sure-but those were random kitchen items (a pair of tongs and a colander!) not anything of any value. Wondering now if that could be something to do with her too? Why would anyone take those?!

Follow on from your remark above, ^^
It doesn’t matter how much you paid or didn’t pay for it!! It doesn’t matter how you procured it.

Shes taking the piss!
Shes an entitled thief!
Kick her out!

*edited for predictive text error

Is it possible that she has the same foundation and mistook your bottle for hers?

I would send her a message saying. "I'm not sure if you had some sort of emergency or something but could you make sure you grab a replacement foundation for me on your way home from work as the one that you took. Was a gift for someone. In future, I really would rather you asked before taking any of belongings. Is there anything else that you need to replace?

Hopefully she'll be apologetic and replace immediately. If not, you have to ask her to leave.

Well yeah you should be able to leave anything anywhere

but why would you. A kitchen gets steamy & greasy, not really a good environment to keep make up?!

What you paid for it doesn't really matter. It was something that she just helped herself without asking. I can't believe that she would open it up when it was brand new, sealed and packaged. That's the outrageous bit.

I would probably ask in case it’s a mistake, like she has the same brand makeup and just thought she’d been ditzy and accidentally left it in the kitchen so grabbed it when going past. I accidentally nicked my housemates shoes in a similar situation once. Didn’t realise until she started wondering where the fuck hers had gone and I realised I had two pairs! I mean the chances of you using the same shade of foundation is really small for one isn’t it?

if it’s not a mistake I’d ask her to leave.

You should be able to leave a pole of cash, or a piece of jewellery, or a bottle of foundation anywhere you like in your own home, safe in the knowledge that it will stay there!

What a weird take. Why are you having a pop at the OP having make up in her kitchen? 😂

If it was from Poundland she is still a thief....