My lodger has stolen some expensive foundation

[Pistachiovillian]

I've had the lodger about 3 months now.

I had some expensive foundation that I'd been saving as a gift to give to someone as I seldom wear it. It wasn't with my other make-up, that's all in the bathroom-it was still in its box, in the kitchen along with some other little bits I've saved up. It has been there for months.

Yesterday morning when I got up she'd already left the house and the bottle was in the bathroom near the mirror, where I'd normally put my make-up on and had obviously been used.

Last night I found the crumpled-up box on the stairs to her room.

I know It's 'just' a bottle of foundation. But it was expensive foundation (about £50 worth) that I'd felt I didn't want to just use myself. She'd have known it was expensive too.

It was obviously not with my other make-up, which I may have not been bothered if she'd used-I do have some foundation in the bathroom, obviously half-used, that she could have used as I do wear it occasionally and I'd have probably not even noticed that!

For what It's worth, I do have a bit of an issue with dealing with this sort of thing, confronting people, I never know how annoyed I am supposed to be! Childhood issue.

I do feel disrespected though. I'd never take something of someone else's without asking unless I 100% knew that they'd be okay with it! And if she's taken that, what else might she take going forward?

What would you feel about this? And do?

I think you'll have to be very specific about the replacement, otherwise she'll replace it with a cheap version.

"I'm very surprised that you took the foundation without discussing it with me. Please don't do this again with any of my things, and replace the bottle with a new, unopened one by Friday: (mention type, shade number etc) "

Clearly she's going to try to give you the opened one back. Preempt this with a specific instruction otherwise she'll misunderstand and buy some cheap rubbish.

Hahahahahha

I can picture the phone call now

Police, how can I help?
My lodger has stolen some foundation!
Ohhh… Kay… Did she take it and move out?
No, she’s still here
Can you go into her room and see if it’s there?
No need, it’s in the bathroom
Righhht
But she’s used some! And it was going to be a gift!
And is she refusing to replace it?
Oh, I haven’t actually asked her to do that. I just thought you could pop round and interview her under caution.
Errr…
Arrest her. Handcuffs. You know the sort of thing…
Dial tone
Hello… Hello?

Several good responses here. She's treating you like an annoying, immature housemate would treat a fellow housemate. She's not acting like your lodger at all. Completely unacceptable. "Forgot to mention" is far too blasé. Should be "I'm so sorry I didn't ask I don't know what came over me, please don't throw me out I'll never do anything like this every again I'm absolutely mortified."

I think my reply would be. "Do you realise that was a brand new bottle of £50 foundation? As I said, it's a gift so you are going to have to replace it."

Her response has gaslighting vibes. Get her gone before anything else goes missing.

She fucking lying, op. Obviously. Are you really not going to do anything about this?

I think your message was confusing, you asked her to replace it and she is by replacing it in the bathroom. You didn't ask her to purchase a another one, just put it back...

She forgot to hide it after using it, which is what she has been doing all along, and still doesn't realise. Thought she would just carry on getting away with it. So you are right to focus on the location, because that is the absolute giveaway that she is a prolific thief and has probably taken much more you dont know about. She needs to go, completely untrustworthy.

After reading her reply I’d get of her, she has no respect for you or your things.

You need to reply saying she needs to purchase the same foundation.

Oh OP ffs you need to just kick her out. She's taking the piss and it's obvious to both of you. Message her back and say, "I'm not happy about you stealing my things and I'm giving you notice. I'd like you to be out by the weekend."

It's not difficult. Just tell her.

It is unacceptable @Bringbackspring , I know it is .

I think anyone apart from real minimalists will have some items lying around that they like, and want to keep and you should be able to trust that they'll remain where they are.

It did cross my mind as to what she might take next. I store up a lot of gifts and things, I have some nice bottles of wine lying around waiting for special occasions, DP gets me trinkets from work, things like that.

I haven't responded yet. It does seem she's no intention of replacing it.

@maudelovesharold I don't really want her to keep it! I don't know why, maybe because that'll seem as if she's 'won' and got what she wanted by doing this?

@LardoBurrows can I search her room? I've never even thought about that.

Why she would want bloody dog bowls or things from the kitchen I've no idea. Maybe she's given them to people she knows who wanted them?
@WinterDeWinter that's a good point isn't it? I should be more annoyed about her taking it. Because it was mine, period.

@SheilaFentiman yes, I am not going to ring the police, that'd be ridiculous. She hasn't even removed it from the house.

@Whatifthehokeycokey yes, I guess that could be forgiven.

It is a bit stupid to put it for me to find isn't it-I'd have noticed it had gone of course but not straight away perhaps.

I do need to let her go. She's not been here long and I am now worried what else she might take, I don't want to have to keep an eye on everything and account for every little thing that's in my house.

It's a shame as we did gel well really, as cohabitants. Different routines so never in one another's way, I WFH she's out all day and she's young and often out at night, got on well as people, had some nice chats when we did bump into one another. She's been helpful when I've been away too (watering the plants, feeding the birds etc).... Ah well.

You need to reply and make it clear you can’t gift an opened foundation to someone and that it needs replacing!

What a cheeky fucker. Please ask her to replace it and then to move out. And yes you can search her room - at least you can go in and cast your eye around to see if you can see your things. Don't go through her stuff.

This and give her notice. This isn't going to get better. She has zero respect for you or your belongings.

Oh dear. She's behaving like your her mum and she's a naughty teenager. Why do I think your items are in the middle of a hoarded pile of shite in her room. She needs to replace the foundation but realistically if you can get a cheap one again I think I'd focus on the notice. I'm afraid when I read the story about losing her guarantor and having to rush to find somewhere I thought this was a red flag and you were being a nit naive. I hope it works out and if you need to carry on having lodgers make sure you have a tight agreement

@Needanewnamebeingwatched well I'm glad you have a much more concerned and efficient police force than my local one. They don't even respond to sexual assault, burglaries, shoplifting of hundreds of £££ worth of alcohol, street harassment of women and girls or of junkies dealing in broad daylight by a school.

If yours will come out to a report of a missing item in a shared house, I'll eat my primer.

Exactly! This is something my 13 year old would do.

Oh yeh, I bet she was as nice as pie, as .a front for her deviousness.

Well, she's been caught out now.

Give her notice, OP. The trust is gone.

I lived with someone who compulsively stole once. She took really random things, including lots of clean knickers. Stash any gifts etc safely away and give her notice as soon as you can.

Obviously ideally she would buy you a new sealed pack of replacement foundation. Whether you should push for this or focus on just getting her out with as little stress as possible is up to you. Weigh up how much it would cost you to replace it , with your discount, against how much damage or cost she might cause on her way out. Insisting she buy £50 foundation would be a hollow victory if she then ruins your carpet and steals your whisky, for example. She might do nothing of the sort of course. You know her, we don't.

OP why do I have a feeling you’re not going to tell her to leave… I hope you do!

its irrelevant whether the make up was old / new / used / gift-wrapped / got h from work etc.It was not hers to take, and that’s the crucial point.
I would respond to her text with a message saying …
Dear lodger, I’d like you to replace the make up or pay me £x cash within 24 hours. I would also like you to accept this as your notice to quit as I cannot have lodgers under my roof who I’m unable to trust. You will need to vacate your room by X date.

So brazen to say you can have the now used make up back. This is someone who has been caught stealing before.

^ This. She has brash confidence in her actions because she's done it before and gotten away with it.

The Op might noy ask her to leave as a £50 foundation vs losing £300 plus per month is worse. Sometimes we have to put up with crap in order to live, I know the Op mentioned she doesn't really need the money but it's still a lot to lose when you are used to having it.

Hopefully she’ll quickly find someone else, with good references.