My lodger has stolen some expensive foundation

[Pistachiovillian]

I've had the lodger about 3 months now.

I had some expensive foundation that I'd been saving as a gift to give to someone as I seldom wear it. It wasn't with my other make-up, that's all in the bathroom-it was still in its box, in the kitchen along with some other little bits I've saved up. It has been there for months.

Yesterday morning when I got up she'd already left the house and the bottle was in the bathroom near the mirror, where I'd normally put my make-up on and had obviously been used.

Last night I found the crumpled-up box on the stairs to her room.

I know It's 'just' a bottle of foundation. But it was expensive foundation (about £50 worth) that I'd felt I didn't want to just use myself. She'd have known it was expensive too.

It was obviously not with my other make-up, which I may have not been bothered if she'd used-I do have some foundation in the bathroom, obviously half-used, that she could have used as I do wear it occasionally and I'd have probably not even noticed that!

For what It's worth, I do have a bit of an issue with dealing with this sort of thing, confronting people, I never know how annoyed I am supposed to be! Childhood issue.

I do feel disrespected though. I'd never take something of someone else's without asking unless I 100% knew that they'd be okay with it! And if she's taken that, what else might she take going forward?

What would you feel about this? And do?

Yeah take your point it’d need replacing anyway, I was just stating the facts.

Could it be that she thinks the box on top of the fridge contains items you don't want or need? If she'd stolen it, surely she'd hide her tracks? She still should have asked you before taking it, though, but it doesn't sound like a sneaky theft to me, more an entitled assumption that she could use it.

Don’t doubt yourself, op. By the time she comes back you’ll have talked yourself out of saying anything! Think about if it were the other way round. If you were staying in someone else’s house, would you dream of using their stuff without asking? Maybe a smidgeon of toothpaste, or shower gel, but even then I’d probably ask first! Actually opening a new box of something is really CF territory. You have every justification to be cross. It doesn’t have to be a confrontation. You are in the right.

Have the makeup and box to hand when she comes back -
“Hi X. I’m quite upset that you opened and used this new foundation of mine. It was intended as a present for someone and will need to be replaced.” Wait to see what she says. The rest of the conversation should flow from her response. If she shrugs it off, I’d be telling her that sharing a house with someone relies on a level of trust, and that the current arrangement is no longer going to work for you. She’s the lodger. Reinforce your boundaries!

I had a flat mate who did this. Drove me nuts. No matter how many times I told her to fucking stop, she didn’t. It was an hmo, so I couldn’t chuck her out like you can a lodger.

personally I’d end the lodging agreement, but if you can’t do that, then speak to her and ask her to replace it, at the discounted rate, and also to please not use your things without asking.

“Hi X. I’m quite upset that you opened and used this new foundation of mine. It was intended as a present for someone and will need to be replaced.”

Do not muddy the waters talking about it being a present. Not relevant.

Is there a chance it's a mistake?
If you have ever said "Help yourself to anything in the kitchen" then she may have thoughts that included a box of random toiletries and things you had in the kitchen, especially if she knows that you get them as freebies.

It doesn’t matter if it’s make up from Poundland, she’s used your stuff. Decide if you want her to still live with you and either way ask her to replace the item.

I would say that was bought for a present. And she needs to replace it or give you the money

That’s an interesting thought. What is the arrangement in relation to food?

Grabby. What an awful attitude.

Missing the point, but foundation usually expires within a year after you purchase it, so I wouldn't leave any foundation sitting around for that long.

Maybe she thought you didn't want it as it was left lying around?

You can’t share your home with a thief. All
the other details are irrelevant like how you got it and where you stored it. Give her notice.

what are the odds the foundation is the right shade for you, your friend and your lodger?

No matter what you’re going to have to say something, do it asap as the nerves will get worse for you the longer you leave it.

You really need to retain your control here, she is the lodger and you are the owner. Ask her why she opened and used it, tell her it needs to be replaced.

For me personally the trust would be broken and I’d just get a new lodger in.

What a load of nonsense.

You don't take someone that doesn't belong to you. If she thought it was something the OP wouldn't be bothered, she would have asked first instead of assuming and just taking. Only a CF would do that.

The 'somewhere safe' is the OP's home. We're not talking about passports, Wills or your grandmother's wedding ring.

Thankfully the moral and legal standpoint on stealing isn't the same as yours!

Tell her she needs to pay for the foundation. And/or kick her out.

How can you live with someone who steals from you?

The benefit of making it clear it was a gift is that the lodger may not care if it was the OPs as she may try and excuse herself by thinking “oh but you weren’t using it”. Whereas if it’s for a gift it has a definite intended purpose.

So do you go around helping yourself to things that don't belong to you, based on self justification that it's not being used by anyone?

Stealing is stealing.

@SBHon I don't think it is relevant - it was not the lodger's to take, end of story.

A thief is a thief and I wouldn't want one living in my house.
I agree with pp saying give your lodger notice. It isn't good enough to get her to replace one thing. She is bound to be stealing other things and she won't stop.

Sorry, work has just become busy-I will read through everything people have said and I really appreciate the support, I realise it isn't a massive issue.

To answer a couple of questions though-I don't usually wear foundation at all. I have a friend who loves make-up who I was going to give it to when she next visits as it'll be around her birthday. I think it will be the right shade for her. I don't know enough about foundation to know how important the right shade would be, to the lodger but they're not too dissimilar in colouring.

Food wise, we have separate fridges and buy our own. I am someone who doesn't eat meat and who likes to eat low carb and cooks a lot from scratch, lodger is very much convenience food and takeaways (not judging, none of my business at all) so it would have never have worked sharing food in any capacity. I've never said to help herself to anything from the kitchen.

DP stayed not so long ago and bought some milk that didn't get used. I did say to lodger that I'd put that in her fridge for her to have.

I was having a glass of wine the other night when lodger got in from work and I offered her to get a drink too if she wanted one.
But other than that, everything always separate.

Can’t believe some of the pp trying to defend the lodger. Are you seriously telling me that unless something is being used by someone at that very moment in time, then it’s fair game for anyone to use? Like shite did the lodger “make a mistake”, or assume op wasn’t bothered about it. I wouldn’t go round someone’s house and just start using their make up or anything else without permission, and I refuse to believe anyone on here would either.

Your home is your haven, your safe comfortable space. You shouldn't have to hide/lock away your things.
Regardless of the reason for her entitled behaviour I would tell her she's leaving.