My lodger has stolen some expensive foundation

[Pistachiovillian]

I've had the lodger about 3 months now.

I had some expensive foundation that I'd been saving as a gift to give to someone as I seldom wear it. It wasn't with my other make-up, that's all in the bathroom-it was still in its box, in the kitchen along with some other little bits I've saved up. It has been there for months.

Yesterday morning when I got up she'd already left the house and the bottle was in the bathroom near the mirror, where I'd normally put my make-up on and had obviously been used.

Last night I found the crumpled-up box on the stairs to her room.

I know It's 'just' a bottle of foundation. But it was expensive foundation (about £50 worth) that I'd felt I didn't want to just use myself. She'd have known it was expensive too.

It was obviously not with my other make-up, which I may have not been bothered if she'd used-I do have some foundation in the bathroom, obviously half-used, that she could have used as I do wear it occasionally and I'd have probably not even noticed that!

For what It's worth, I do have a bit of an issue with dealing with this sort of thing, confronting people, I never know how annoyed I am supposed to be! Childhood issue.

I do feel disrespected though. I'd never take something of someone else's without asking unless I 100% knew that they'd be okay with it! And if she's taken that, what else might she take going forward?

What would you feel about this? And do?

Reasonable and decent people would ask if it was ok to take and use.

Reasonable and decent people would ask if it was ok to take and use.

Quite.

That does not entitle her to take it without asking.

I think you should double check, ask if she's seen it and say what you were keeping it for.
Always good to give the benefit of the doubt. She may have thought it was a freebie of some kind as it was in the kitchen which I think could send an odd message.
Just a thought. Living with people shows how differently people can value other people's stuff.
I still ask my in-laws if I can help myself to anything and I've been going there for decades, it's just basic good manners.

That simply isn't true. Once opened it expires (and personally a lot longer than one year), but sealed and never used it can last for years and years.

Your lodger is a cf and a thief. Kick her out and get the cost of the foundation from her. Give her the notice to leave from today. I don’t know how long it will take but you’ll feel safe in your home without this thief stealing from you.

So I didn't pay a lot for it-and lodger would have known that as she knows where DP works? So she'd have known it was expensive but also known I didn't pay full price for it

So, when you steal things from people, @Pistachiovillian , do you make sure that it won't put them too much out of pocket before you do it? Or would going through that process feel disingenuous to you, because you wouldn't think it was ok to steal in the first place?

For me it would be as short a notice as you can and telling her why....and I would be careful not to leave her alone in the house until she goes. Not sure if you are allowed to confiscate her key and only allow her in the house while you are there? There's no telling what else she would help herself to. I wouldn't text her as I wouldn't want to give her any kind of heads up. I would also secure anything you care about or has value...documents, money credit cards, jewellery and so on. I feel really sorry for you OP...to not feel comfortable in your own house.

Missing the point but I'm bemused that a random bottle of foundation would be the exact right shade for both lodger and OPs friend.

I usually struggle to get the shade to match, even when I think I've got it at the counter I end up either looking like the corpse bride or get the orange tidemark thing.

Obviously. But the OP is dealing with someone who didn’t see it like that. And as the PP who are defending the lodger are stating “it’s no big deal as you weren’t going to use it” it’s helpful to add in the fact about the gift to have a better chance at the injustice actually getting through to the lodger.

Oh that’s a shame, maybe you apply too much or the wrong type? Generally I find that the issue rather than specifically shade match, as with shades as long as in the general same family, which I assume it is, ie a couple of shades difference, I can use a number of shades, as I can blend with a moisturiser, apply lightly, or only on my t zone and blend out.

I see your point. But the trust would be gone for me.

1. Ask her what she did with it.
2. Tell her it is not ok in future to do this.
3. Decide if you want her to pay for it and tell her if so. I would not, I would give her the benefit of the doubt if she is mostly ok.

That makes absolutely no difference whatsoever! It doesn't belong to her, it's not there for her to use. My kids know not to touch my stuff without asking, so why wouldn't she, presumably an adult, know not to touch yours?

Very kindly, I think you might want to work on your self esteem a little. Reading your posts, I'm getting a sense of you having being taken advantage a lot over the years. For your own sake, you need to stop accepting this, and fight your corner.

Serve her notice - a week is reasonable given she has stolen from you. Put everything vaguely valuable in your room and lock it. Fit a lock now if you don't have one. Deduct the cost of the makeup from her deposit. What a cheeky bint!

I think you need to ask her to replace it and see how she reacts to that first. It’s just possible she will have some kind of excuse - maybe had run out and desperately needed it for some important reason like a job interview and was stressed about that so hadn’t had time to message you - if you buy whatever she says and she is sufficiently apologetic then the relationship may be salvageable.

But if she’s the kind of person who thinks she can just help herself to your stuff then fundamentally you can’t let her continue living in your home.

The reason to say it is a gift is that it gets round lodger saying “well, I only used a bit, have it back then”

But that’s not acceptable so it’s not something that needs to be “got round”.

My gran gave me some luxury yarn she picked up in the sale.
I was saving it to knit a sweater for a friend because it’s not my colour but I know my freind will love it.
My flat mate took it and knitted herself a sweater instead.
But I'm not allowed to be upset she helped herself to it because my gran got it cheap and I was given it for free, therefore it’s public property to anyone who fancies taking it.

🙄

I would ask her to leave and make sure you’re there when she does so that she can’t take anything she fancies. Give her the minimum notice period too, so she has less time to stash stuff.

Don't be a doormat. If she stole the makeup, she'll steal anything else. Put a note on her door to pack her things and GTFO by the end of the day.

I agree, but OP dislikes confrontation, so the truth (that it was a gift) pre-empts this response.

Blimey, she must be a helluva fast knitter if you didn’t realise she’d taken it till after the jumper was finished!

Surely the solution was just to unravel the knitting as soon as you saw she’d started?

My husband works from home and sometimes he doesn't drive his car for several days. I guess in your bizarre world it would be perfectly reasonable for someone to help themselves to it seeing as though it's just lying around.

Please stop being a wetwipe and confront her. This is your things and your home! If you can't stand up for those things, then where is exactly is safe to be your haven? I'd boot her out.