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This is none of my business but makes me uncomfortable

167 replies

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:31

I have a friendship group through a sport. It's very very important to me, they're all "safe" people to me. People I feel relaxed and comfortable with. We do many away days for the sport and occasional weekends away.

There's a more recent addition to the group who is great, very easy to be with. A bit younger than the rest of us, married with young children.

He's very enthusiastic and comes to everything. However, whenever we're doing an event, a young woman appears to support him. He never says she's coming, although he's clearly expecting her, she doesn't travel with us. He says she's an old friend who likes to support him, but it's all kept a bit quiet because his family don't like her. (I wonder why that could be!). She seems very pleasant and fits in with the group fine.

Last weekend we did the flagship event for our sport and he had all his family there supporting him, so I met his wife and kids for the first time. She seemed lovely and very proud and supportive of his achievements. The "friend" had been there earlier but didn't join the group later.

Maybe I'm being cyclical and jumping to conclusions, there's no opportunity for them to be alone together one these days out and they could engineer that if they wanted to, by spending less time with us.

What's worrying me is we have a weekend away coming up. He's booked a room on his own, whereas most people are sharing. I'm almost certain she'll be there.

I suppose we just play along with the idea that she's a friend there to support him?

As he becomes more integrated into the group, we're likely to see more of his wife. I'm not interested in others' personal lives, but I'd rather not know!

OP posts:
generallycontent · 26/04/2024 08:35

You're intuition is probably right OP. You are looking at the circumstances, the fact his family doesn't like her etc, but you're also judging it on his character, my guess is he seems quite capable of adultery.
Have you asked anyone else in the group what they think? Even if you make a joke of it and say "i thought "name" was his wife at first!", and if others agree with you i would leave it, and wait to see if someone else does the job for you and brings it up with him. If they don't, and you're still convinced the friend is romantically involved and sleeping with him in his hotel room i would personally intervene for the sake of his wife and children.

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:37

One of the men has spoken to him about it, along the lines of it's your business but you do realise you're playing with fire.

OP posts:
WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 08:39

I think you have to keep out of it for now. If it becomes clear that there’s definitely something going on AND you are expected to cover it up if you spend more time with his wife, then I wouldn’t go along with that.

For now though, it’s possible she could just be a friend I suppose, or even that his wife is aware of the ‘situation’. 🤨

We had something similar in a hobby group, it put a real downer on something that I’d previously really enjoyed. It eventually all came out and the person left the group but it caused lots of trouble.

WarshipRocinante · 26/04/2024 08:42

If she stays in his room, then I would very bluntly say the next morning, “Does your wife know about that? Because we’re a close group and our families come along to our events so we all get them know each other and we won’t cover up for you.” But I’m too old and too fed up with men like this and I literally don’t give a shit how he reacts or what happens after. If you do then maybe not the best thing to do.

ringoffiire · 26/04/2024 08:42

Just take things at face value for now, but don't cover up/ lie for him if it comes down to it.

Lampslights · 26/04/2024 08:43

Thing is she could absolutely just be a friend. You don’t know and are making assumptions.

ringoffiire · 26/04/2024 08:44

Lampslights · 26/04/2024 08:43

Thing is she could absolutely just be a friend. You don’t know and are making assumptions.

Also this. People who are married can and do have friends of the opposite sex!

pizzaHeart · 26/04/2024 08:44

I understand it would be a bit difficult to have free flow conversations with his wife as you’d always be aware about the elephant in the room.
I would take his explanation at face value and behave like this for now, I would avoid any personal and close situations with him and/or his female friend. I wouldn’t cover up for him or lie or anything similar and I would be open about it.

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:45

ringoffiire · 26/04/2024 08:44

Also this. People who are married can and do have friends of the opposite sex!

Secret ones?

OP posts:
WarningOfGails · 26/04/2024 08:46

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:37

One of the men has spoken to him about it, along the lines of it's your business but you do realise you're playing with fire.

What did he say in response?

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:47

WarningOfGails · 26/04/2024 08:46

What did he say in response?

Just that she's am old friend who likes to support him, but he has to keep her separate from family because they don't like her.

OP posts:
fieldsofbutterflies · 26/04/2024 08:49

I mean, if it walks like a duck ...

I think you're right that he's probably having an affair, but equally. I wouldn't feel like it's my place to get involved in someone else's marriage, especially when you don't know either party very well at all.

ringoffiire · 26/04/2024 08:49

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:45

Secret ones?

It wasn't really clear from your post whether she was secret from his wife. Is she?

Reallyitsonlyme · 26/04/2024 08:49

Old girlfriend??

i agree it sounds suspicious OP and I wouldn’t be comfortable.

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:51

ringoffiire · 26/04/2024 08:49

It wasn't really clear from your post whether she was secret from his wife. Is she?

I think knows she is/was a friend from way back, but doesn't know that she's attending these events.

OP posts:
ringoffiire · 26/04/2024 08:53

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:51

I think knows she is/was a friend from way back, but doesn't know that she's attending these events.

I don't know.... I wouldn't make assumptions unless you actually know. Just take it at face value until/ unless it becomes very clear. Even then all I'd do is make it clear I wouldn't lie for them.

Overtheatlantic · 26/04/2024 08:53

It’s unfair for him to impose his secret friend on a group he knows through a hobby. It’s forcing the secret onto others who haven’t agreed to be part of it. The whole thing sounds unsavoury.

LandArt · 26/04/2024 08:53

Honestly, you’re speculating.

WarningOfGails · 26/04/2024 08:53

what would you think if his story was true - how would you act then around their friendship/his wife?

AlltheFs · 26/04/2024 08:54

I’d quite cheerily drop him in it next time the wife is there. Something along the lines of, “it’s so nice to see you here instead of x”

Then leave them to it. If it’s innocent then he can explain it can’t he.

It is their business until they implicate you in it and by going along with it, they are making you part of the lie.

EauNeu · 26/04/2024 08:57

It's not your business really but I'd be letting him know that you won't be put in any awkward situations if having to cover up or lie for him.

Lampslights · 26/04/2024 08:59

EauNeu · 26/04/2024 08:57

It's not your business really but I'd be letting him know that you won't be put in any awkward situations if having to cover up or lie for him.

Edited

Which would be very cringe if they are just friends,

Lampslights · 26/04/2024 08:59

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:51

I think knows she is/was a friend from way back, but doesn't know that she's attending these events.

But you don’t know. Right?

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:00

I don't know whether to ask point blank if she's coming on the weekend. I've booked some things for the evenings so I need to know numbers. Then I can tell him, his business, but I won't be keeping secrets for him? But in a normal world there'd be no reason to think she might be coming.

Innocent or not, surely it's not OK to be sharing a room with someone and your wife doesn't know?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2024 09:01

Lampslights · 26/04/2024 08:43

Thing is she could absolutely just be a friend. You don’t know and are making assumptions.

That's a bit naive though given she disappears when his wife arrives.