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Original poster

This is none of my business but makes me uncomfortable

167 replies

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:31

I have a friendship group through a sport. It's very very important to me, they're all "safe" people to me. People I feel relaxed and comfortable with. We do many away days for the sport and occasional weekends away.

There's a more recent addition to the group who is great, very easy to be with. A bit younger than the rest of us, married with young children.

He's very enthusiastic and comes to everything. However, whenever we're doing an event, a young woman appears to support him. He never says she's coming, although he's clearly expecting her, she doesn't travel with us. He says she's an old friend who likes to support him, but it's all kept a bit quiet because his family don't like her. (I wonder why that could be!). She seems very pleasant and fits in with the group fine.

Last weekend we did the flagship event for our sport and he had all his family there supporting him, so I met his wife and kids for the first time. She seemed lovely and very proud and supportive of his achievements. The "friend" had been there earlier but didn't join the group later.

Maybe I'm being cyclical and jumping to conclusions, there's no opportunity for them to be alone together one these days out and they could engineer that if they wanted to, by spending less time with us.

What's worrying me is we have a weekend away coming up. He's booked a room on his own, whereas most people are sharing. I'm almost certain she'll be there.

I suppose we just play along with the idea that she's a friend there to support him?

As he becomes more integrated into the group, we're likely to see more of his wife. I'm not interested in others' personal lives, but I'd rather not know!

OP posts:
LaughingCat · 26/04/2024 18:45

You don’t actually know what’s going on. Ignore it. Maybe she’s his best friend but she seriously broke his baby bro’s heart a decade ago, or got his sister into trouble with the police or kissed his now wife’s crush back in primary school making them mortal enemies for life…and he’s maintaining the friendship while he waits for the attitudes to adjust and time to do its healing thing.

Or maybe he’s shagging her.

Who knows, who cares - talk about the weather and the scoreline with the wife and ignore the drama. It’s only uncomfortable because you’re imposing your morals onto what you think his situation is. He’s not asking you to lie, just to ignore it all. So, ignore it unless the wife asks you whether X was there, in which case tell her the truth.

Arconialiving · 26/04/2024 18:49

WarshipRocinante · 26/04/2024 08:42

If she stays in his room, then I would very bluntly say the next morning, “Does your wife know about that? Because we’re a close group and our families come along to our events so we all get them know each other and we won’t cover up for you.” But I’m too old and too fed up with men like this and I literally don’t give a shit how he reacts or what happens after. If you do then maybe not the best thing to do.

I'd adopt this approach also! It's rotten he's put you all in this position in the first instance and is souring what sounded like a great group to be a part of.

Thinking about it, I'd likely call him out on it sooner actually as ruining the group or your peaceful enjoyment of it is not on!

LandArt · 26/04/2024 19:04

Mumtobabyhavoc · 26/04/2024 14:43

I'd talk to the group about his practice of secretly beinging his female friend around when his wife and kids don't attend. I'd say I don't want any drama brought to our group and this has to be nipped in the bud.

What, like the morality police? ‘Clean up your life or leave the club!’

Surely the real reason to think this is unlikely to be an affair is that the OP herself says

(1) the two of them have no opportunity to be alone together at these sports events, she travels separately, watches and leaves — no time for sex or even much solo talk

and

(2) the guy could, if they were having an affair, actually use these events, away days and weekends as a cover for his affair by not attending all of them, and instead using the time to shag the OW, but instead he’s an enthusiastic and frequent participant, who is very good at whatever the sport is.

If in the throes of a passionate affair, would you really spend all your time training and competing in events in a gregarious team/club setting that leaves you no solo time with your affair partner, or, from her POV, in trailing round the country to watch your affair partner compete, while never having any time alone with him, or travelling together?

IAmThe1AndOnly · 26/04/2024 19:59

LandArt · 26/04/2024 19:04

What, like the morality police? ‘Clean up your life or leave the club!’

Surely the real reason to think this is unlikely to be an affair is that the OP herself says

(1) the two of them have no opportunity to be alone together at these sports events, she travels separately, watches and leaves — no time for sex or even much solo talk

and

(2) the guy could, if they were having an affair, actually use these events, away days and weekends as a cover for his affair by not attending all of them, and instead using the time to shag the OW, but instead he’s an enthusiastic and frequent participant, who is very good at whatever the sport is.

If in the throes of a passionate affair, would you really spend all your time training and competing in events in a gregarious team/club setting that leaves you no solo time with your affair partner, or, from her POV, in trailing round the country to watch your affair partner compete, while never having any time alone with him, or travelling together?

Show quote history

Now now don’t be so logical, the frothers are going to have to think beyond their hysterical overreactions now. ;)

Original poster
Weighnow · 26/04/2024 20:05

(2) the guy could, if they were having an affair, actually use these events, away days and weekends as a cover for his affair by not attending all of them, and instead using the time to shag the OW, but instead he’s an enthusiastic and frequent participant, who is very good at whatever the sport is.

This is a good point. Maybe he believes it'sall because she's a friend and wants to support him, maybe that's what she kids herself too, but it can't be OK that they're meeting up without wife's knowledge, whatever it is.

As I said previously, I feel for the friend, it's no way to live.

We've been talking about lift shares today. People are travelling at various times and doing different things on the way, couples have their own plans and will meet us later, so there's 6 of us travelling which needs 2 cars. He's said he"ll drive his van down, can't take passengers, but will take luggage if needed, leaving 5 in my car, which is fine, but does make me wonder why he wants to travel alone - there were other offers from car drivers.

OP posts:
HotChocolateNotCocoa · 26/04/2024 20:36

You wonder why he’s booked a single room instead of sharing. You wonder why he’s travelling alone instead of getting a lift. This is all in addition to wondering what his wife does and doesn’t know about this woman.

Maybe it would all be less of a worry to you if you stopped wondering about a stranger’s life and got on with your own?

nokidshere · 26/04/2024 21:25

This is a good point. Maybe he believes it'sall because she's a friend and wants to support him, maybe that's what she kids herself too, but it can't be OK that they're meeting up without wife's knowledge, whatever it is.

As I said previously, I feel for the friend, it's no way to live.

We've been talking about lift shares today. People are travelling at various times and doing different things on the way, couples have their own plans and will meet us later, so there's 6 of us travelling which needs 2 cars. He's said he"ll drive his van down, can't take passengers, but will take luggage if needed, leaving 5 in my car, which is fine, but does make me wonder why he wants to travel alone - there were other offers from car drivers.

You are absolutely batshit! Wtf? I don't blame him for not wanting to travel with any of you or share a room. It's like you are writing a short story of his life using your own parameters. 'Feel for the friend'? Feel what? She's going along to a friends sport, she has no idea you are all gossiping about her.

Leave him alone and stop speculating on who is who in his life.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/04/2024 21:34

Keep your distance from him and ignore her. You're there for your activity and don't shouldn't have time for this. Don't lie for him but don't volunteer information either, there's no need for you to to become close to him or his wife or friend.

Don't allow yourself to get embroiled in gossip because you don't know the situation and 'walks like a duck' doesn't cut it. Stay removed from it and don't show any interest.

If it finally intrudes on the activity then say something directly; is there a leader of your group?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/04/2024 21:36

I hadn't read beyond your first post OP but I'm glad that there are quite a few posters prompting you to mind your own business and stop involving yourself in speculation.

You talk about 'safe' people; well that door swings both ways, people need to feel safe around you also.

LandArt · 26/04/2024 22:18

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 20:05

(2) the guy could, if they were having an affair, actually use these events, away days and weekends as a cover for his affair by not attending all of them, and instead using the time to shag the OW, but instead he’s an enthusiastic and frequent participant, who is very good at whatever the sport is.

This is a good point. Maybe he believes it'sall because she's a friend and wants to support him, maybe that's what she kids herself too, but it can't be OK that they're meeting up without wife's knowledge, whatever it is.

As I said previously, I feel for the friend, it's no way to live.

We've been talking about lift shares today. People are travelling at various times and doing different things on the way, couples have their own plans and will meet us later, so there's 6 of us travelling which needs 2 cars. He's said he"ll drive his van down, can't take passengers, but will take luggage if needed, leaving 5 in my car, which is fine, but does make me wonder why he wants to travel alone - there were other offers from car drivers.

This is a bit fanciful. You admit it’s not the most obvious affair scenario given that they get no time alone together, and that he spends his time enthusiastically doing your sport, so now you’ve decided it’s differently illicit, or they are deluding themselves that they’re not having a covert emotional affair?

StillRoping · 26/04/2024 23:12

Have you posted about this before, OP?

Fireheart02 · 27/04/2024 19:22

You're jumping to a lot of conclusions here.

The best thing you can do is mind your own business. You say you don't want to be involved but you are literally inventing scenarios and things to be suspicious about! He's offered to drive his van and take luggage for people if needed and it's now become a red flag. Maybe he doesn't want to be stuck in a car with people for however long the journey is, or he'd rather just run on his own time.

I can see why he wants a room of his own since you're all chatting shit about him 🙈

Leave the guy alone and stop obsessing over the choices he's making about his own life.

Sheerdetermination · 27/04/2024 20:15

Overtheatlantic · 26/04/2024 08:53

It’s unfair for him to impose his secret friend on a group he knows through a hobby. It’s forcing the secret onto others who haven’t agreed to be part of it. The whole thing sounds unsavoury.

This.

Inexpertjuggler · 27/04/2024 20:34

If you say nothing, you’re complicit. How dare he take it as red that you’ll all cover for him. Tell him, and tell his wife.

Lulu49 · 27/04/2024 21:25

It's no one else's business

BlueFlowers5 · 27/04/2024 21:39

It could result in the group becoming known as somewhere shenanigans goes on or is accepted, affecting members joining or attending.

LandArt · 27/04/2024 21:40

Inexpertjuggler · 27/04/2024 20:34

If you say nothing, you’re complicit. How dare he take it as red that you’ll all cover for him. Tell him, and tell his wife.

Not only is there not a shred of evidence this is an affair, there’s a lot to suggest it isn’t, for the simple reason that the two people involved don’t get any time alone together, don’t travel together, don’t appear to have the opportunity to have sex with one another (the OP says the guy could choose to spend less time with the group at events, but doesn’t), and the guy is an enthusiastic and skilled participant in the sport who appears to attend and compete seriously in all possible events, so he’s not using the sport as cover for weekends away shagging his OW.

Hmm1234 · 27/04/2024 23:11

Very suspicious and the other men in the group not saying anything!? Makes me think they’re keeping secrets for each other

BronwenTheBrave · 27/04/2024 23:24

Try and find some way to humiliate him in public so that he stops coming to your events?

nokidshere · 28/04/2024 01:06

So let's get this straight. A man does a sport and his friend supports him. He was asked outright who she was and he said a friend that doesn't get on with his family.

He may or may not spend time with her away from the sport, he may or may not let her stay in his non shared room at an event, his wife may or may not know about her, his friend is probably living a shit life because she follows his sport.

And because of all that, which may or may not be true, op has decided she needs to tell the wife he's having an affair, that she and others are gossiping about him, that he is probably a liar and a cheat. Other posters have suggested he should be confronted, humiliated, called out, banished from the group. Even though op says neither the man or his friend have done anything other than be in the same space together occasionally, no one has ever seen them behaving or doing anything inappropriate.

Bloodyhell. There's definitely something wrong here and it's not coming from the man.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 28/04/2024 08:02

Inexpertjuggler · 27/04/2024 20:34

If you say nothing, you’re complicit. How dare he take it as red that you’ll all cover for him. Tell him, and tell his wife.

So overdramatic! They’ll probably see the wife twice a year, if that!

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 28/04/2024 08:05

Hmm1234 · 27/04/2024 23:11

Very suspicious and the other men in the group not saying anything!? Makes me think they’re keeping secrets for each other

Maybe they’re simply minding their own business? It is possible, even though the OP seems to think otherwise!

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 28/04/2024 08:05

BlueFlowers5 · 27/04/2024 21:39

It could result in the group becoming known as somewhere shenanigans goes on or is accepted, affecting members joining or attending.

Bloody hell 😆😆

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 28/04/2024 08:09

The best thing you can do is mind your own business. You say you don't want to be involved but you are literally inventing scenarios and things to be suspicious about!

Yep - desperate for a bit of drama. It reminds me of the thread a while back where the OP kept blathering on about “an affair unfolding right in front of my eyes!” In reality, she’d seen a neighbour she barely knew have coffee with someone a couple of times.

newnamethanks · 28/04/2024 08:09

As you say OP, it's not your business. Stay out of it. Many men behave like this, you can't police them all. Find someone else to talk about.