Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

This is none of my business but makes me uncomfortable

167 replies

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:31

I have a friendship group through a sport. It's very very important to me, they're all "safe" people to me. People I feel relaxed and comfortable with. We do many away days for the sport and occasional weekends away.

There's a more recent addition to the group who is great, very easy to be with. A bit younger than the rest of us, married with young children.

He's very enthusiastic and comes to everything. However, whenever we're doing an event, a young woman appears to support him. He never says she's coming, although he's clearly expecting her, she doesn't travel with us. He says she's an old friend who likes to support him, but it's all kept a bit quiet because his family don't like her. (I wonder why that could be!). She seems very pleasant and fits in with the group fine.

Last weekend we did the flagship event for our sport and he had all his family there supporting him, so I met his wife and kids for the first time. She seemed lovely and very proud and supportive of his achievements. The "friend" had been there earlier but didn't join the group later.

Maybe I'm being cyclical and jumping to conclusions, there's no opportunity for them to be alone together one these days out and they could engineer that if they wanted to, by spending less time with us.

What's worrying me is we have a weekend away coming up. He's booked a room on his own, whereas most people are sharing. I'm almost certain she'll be there.

I suppose we just play along with the idea that she's a friend there to support him?

As he becomes more integrated into the group, we're likely to see more of his wife. I'm not interested in others' personal lives, but I'd rather not know!

OP posts:
Icehockeyflowers · 26/04/2024 09:16

Has he confirmed this himself or have you just included him as part of the group numbers?

Presumably she isn’t attending then if he hasn’t included her.

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:17

Cantdoitagain1 · 26/04/2024 09:13

I think you don’t know the full situation and you should just keep out of it. It’s like you’re delighting in the gossip. Just ignore and continue on.

How do you ignore something that's under your nose most weekends? I'd love to know nothing about it.

OP posts:
Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:18

Icehockeyflowers · 26/04/2024 09:16

Has he confirmed this himself or have you just included him as part of the group numbers?

Presumably she isn’t attending then if he hasn’t included her.

Edited

I've told the group what I was doing and asked them to let me know if they don't want to be included - which one couple have done.

He's active on the group chat and hasn't said no.

OP posts:
Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:19

I wouldn't assume that means she's not coming because she always turns up unannounced.

OP posts:
betterangels · 26/04/2024 09:21

IvorTheEngineDriver · 26/04/2024 09:09

Pure speculation based on zero evidence on a matter that is none of your business OP. Sorry to be blunt but that's how I see it.

Plus, how do you know his wife doesn't have a "secret friend" who visits her when her DH is with you? Or that they both have and they are both happy with the arrangement.

All of this. You're assuming a whole lot.

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:24

Icehockeyflowers · 26/04/2024 09:09

Taking a photograph and posting it on the sport’s social media page is a good idea. A nice big group photo of everyone after the event or during the evening meal innocently tagging all participants.

We do that routinely. He doesn't do SM, so can't be tagged and she always volunteers to take the photo.

OP posts:
Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:25

IvorTheEngineDriver · 26/04/2024 09:09

Pure speculation based on zero evidence on a matter that is none of your business OP. Sorry to be blunt but that's how I see it.

Plus, how do you know his wife doesn't have a "secret friend" who visits her when her DH is with you? Or that they both have and they are both happy with the arrangement.

She may well have be she's not using our events as cover nor expecting me to keep the secret.

OP posts:
Icehockeyflowers · 26/04/2024 09:29

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:24

We do that routinely. He doesn't do SM, so can't be tagged and she always volunteers to take the photo.

Have somebody take a few more natural photos of different people while playing the game, a few on the sidelines…..the spectators.

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:30

Icehockeyflowers · 26/04/2024 09:29

Have somebody take a few more natural photos of different people while playing the game, a few on the sidelines…..the spectators.

She's the only one not participating 🤣

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 26/04/2024 09:33

I would drop it into conversation with the wife, about her coming along to support him.

I wouldn't be party to this

Icehockeyflowers · 26/04/2024 09:33

Ah so it’s a team? If you win surely there will be a celebration? And she will be there? Spontaneous/in the moment photos then! And whoever took photos before she started going can take them again. Do not allow her to become the official photographer!

Morewineplease10 · 26/04/2024 09:35

Having been the cheated on, shat upon wife there is NO way I'd tolerate this!

Yeah, I guess technically it's not your business but he's kind of made it so? You shouldn't be put in this situation; he is making you uncomfortable.

Of course he's having an affair.

Quite the set of balls he has on him.

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:36

Thank all for your thoughts. Quite split.

I was happy(ish) to go along with the just friends story until I met his wife and DC, that has changed the way it "feels".

OP posts:
candycane222 · 26/04/2024 09:36

fieldsofbutterflies · 26/04/2024 08:49

I mean, if it walks like a duck ...

I think you're right that he's probably having an affair, but equally. I wouldn't feel like it's my place to get involved in someone else's marriage, especially when you don't know either party very well at all.

The thing is, HE is involving the group, without their consent, in his deception - if he's up to no good. Astonishing level of entitlement to assume none of you will say anything to his wife. It's actually quite bullying of him.

Let's hope his wife knows the 'friend' is there. I think your bloke member did the right thing in raising it but someone should probably make it crystal clear that there will be no covering up. Even if she's not a shag, it's definitely odd. Do the rest of you need "supporters"?

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:39

candycane222 · 26/04/2024 09:36

The thing is, HE is involving the group, without their consent, in his deception - if he's up to no good. Astonishing level of entitlement to assume none of you will say anything to his wife. It's actually quite bullying of him.

Let's hope his wife knows the 'friend' is there. I think your bloke member did the right thing in raising it but someone should probably make it crystal clear that there will be no covering up. Even if she's not a shag, it's definitely odd. Do the rest of you need "supporters"?

It is nice when people come along to support. When I did the "flagship" event the first time my parents came, despite me being well into adulthood, but people don't usually have supporters at the more routine events.

OP posts:
NotMyFinestMoment · 26/04/2024 09:40

I haven't read through the whole thread, but is there any chance this man has a disability (not all disabilities are visible either) and the woman is a carer/personal assistant who is there to support him with his activities. I was offered this on my university course as I have multiple disabilities but declined the offer even though I've struggled (but none of mine are remotely obvious). Most people wouldn't offer up that information for fear of being judged especially in a new hobby or new friendship group.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/04/2024 09:41

AlltheFs · 26/04/2024 08:54

I’d quite cheerily drop him in it next time the wife is there. Something along the lines of, “it’s so nice to see you here instead of x”

Then leave them to it. If it’s innocent then he can explain it can’t he.

It is their business until they implicate you in it and by going along with it, they are making you part of the lie.

This.

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 09:42

NotMyFinestMoment · 26/04/2024 09:40

I haven't read through the whole thread, but is there any chance this man has a disability (not all disabilities are visible either) and the woman is a carer/personal assistant who is there to support him with his activities. I was offered this on my university course as I have multiple disabilities but declined the offer even though I've struggled (but none of mine are remotely obvious). Most people wouldn't offer up that information for fear of being judged especially in a new hobby or new friendship group.

Yeah, of course. That’s what it’ll be. 😅

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:42

NotMyFinestMoment · 26/04/2024 09:40

I haven't read through the whole thread, but is there any chance this man has a disability (not all disabilities are visible either) and the woman is a carer/personal assistant who is there to support him with his activities. I was offered this on my university course as I have multiple disabilities but declined the offer even though I've struggled (but none of mine are remotely obvious). Most people wouldn't offer up that information for fear of being judged especially in a new hobby or new friendship group.

No absolutely not. He's wiping the floor with us all, despite being new to it, and very accomplished in a mentally challenging career. I mean, I get invisible disabilities, but I'd be amazed if that was the case here.

OP posts:
Remagirl · 26/04/2024 09:44

He hasn't asked anyone to be secretive and unless he's asking for discretion it's none of your business. She could be a million different things to him, none of them an affair partner.

MarkWithaC · 26/04/2024 09:45

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:45

Secret ones?

Exactly! Who come along to all of their activities when they're away from their family? I don't do this with any of my male friends, although I love them and do support them in many ways.

nfkl · 26/04/2024 09:45

He s actively treating your hobby group like an alibi/love hotel/cover, he s not respecting you, he’s roping you in in his lies

Staying silent because you feel it’s not your place etc. is only going to bring 3 consequences
1/ enjoyment of your hobby group is going to be affected, it’s already troubling you
2/ both women are not being treated nicely, one is cheated on, the other is plan B
3/ the only one who benefits from your silence is actually the cheater

You don’t have to do more than post a group picture or mention the other woman presence, which is a perfectly normal thing to do in a social/hobby group, not your fault if his truth hurts

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:48

nfkl · 26/04/2024 09:45

He s actively treating your hobby group like an alibi/love hotel/cover, he s not respecting you, he’s roping you in in his lies

Staying silent because you feel it’s not your place etc. is only going to bring 3 consequences
1/ enjoyment of your hobby group is going to be affected, it’s already troubling you
2/ both women are not being treated nicely, one is cheated on, the other is plan B
3/ the only one who benefits from your silence is actually the cheater

You don’t have to do more than post a group picture or mention the other woman presence, which is a perfectly normal thing to do in a social/hobby group, not your fault if his truth hurts

I actually almost feel worse for the friend. She's travelling all over the country so stand in the cold for hours, for a few snatched moments with him, then bundled into a taxi before his family arrives. Whatever it is, it's no way to live.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 26/04/2024 09:49

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 09:19

I wouldn't assume that means she's not coming because she always turns up unannounced.

I would assume that he is coming and that’s the end. I wouldn’t help them if she would come it’s his problem so he could go and ask to accommodate her at the restaurant/ bowling place/ cinema where ever you’re going.

SuperLois34 · 26/04/2024 09:50

I’d quite cheerily drop him in it next time the wife is there. Something along the lines of, “it’s so nice to see you here instead of x”

This. Although I'd be more tempted to go with 'Oh hi [wife], nice to see you again! Did you travel here with [OW], I thought I saw her somewhere just now' and appropriate look around to see if you can spot her. Then if she looks confused because she has no idea who [OW's name] is, you can say 'oh, [OW]...sorry I thought she was a friend of you both, she comes here an awful lot with [cheating scumbag]?