This is none of my business but makes me uncomfortable

[Weighnow]

I have a friendship group through a sport. It's very very important to me, they're all "safe" people to me. People I feel relaxed and comfortable with. We do many away days for the sport and occasional weekends away.

There's a more recent addition to the group who is great, very easy to be with. A bit younger than the rest of us, married with young children.

He's very enthusiastic and comes to everything. However, whenever we're doing an event, a young woman appears to support him. He never says she's coming, although he's clearly expecting her, she doesn't travel with us. He says she's an old friend who likes to support him, but it's all kept a bit quiet because his family don't like her. (I wonder why that could be!). She seems very pleasant and fits in with the group fine.

Last weekend we did the flagship event for our sport and he had all his family there supporting him, so I met his wife and kids for the first time. She seemed lovely and very proud and supportive of his achievements. The "friend" had been there earlier but didn't join the group later.

Maybe I'm being cyclical and jumping to conclusions, there's no opportunity for them to be alone together one these days out and they could engineer that if they wanted to, by spending less time with us.

What's worrying me is we have a weekend away coming up. He's booked a room on his own, whereas most people are sharing. I'm almost certain she'll be there.

I suppose we just play along with the idea that she's a friend there to support him?

As he becomes more integrated into the group, we're likely to see more of his wife. I'm not interested in others' personal lives, but I'd rather not know!

Exactly this.
I applaud your technique

Reminds me of the film ‘Muriel’s Wedding - ‘what a coincidence!’

I wouldn’t cover but I’d tell him that to his face.

If he pleads innocence then I’d innocently mention his loyal supporter in front of his wife.

It’s doubly cruel to his wife for everyone to know except her!

Standing by the sidelines cheering someone on while they play a sport with other people wouldn’t be my idea of a torrid affair…

But then again, people are weird.

He hasn’t actually told you he’s sharing a room with her though has he?

There’s been no suggestion that she’s going, you know the numbers based on the confirmed people going, but you’re basically feeling the need to ask him if she’s going to shit-stir.

Stay out of it.

I know a situation like this. There is not, and never has been, anything sexual between the man and the female friend (I am very close to the female friend, I would definitely know). They have been friends since forever, and neither his current wife nor his ex wife have ever liked it, so for many periods he has kept her separate to avoid conflict. At other times the family have been more aware of the amount of time he spends on/with friend, very occasionally socialising together.

I think if he had to choose he would choose the friendship, have been friends for 50 years, first marriage lasted about 10 years, second marriage isn't much longer than that. But of course he doesn't have to choose, just negotiate the politics of his families.

"So how do you too know each other then?"
"haha I thought you two were an item until I met Steve's wife, silly me"
or to wife "it's lovely seeing you again, usually Steve just has Maria along so it's great you and the kids could make it today"
It sounds like the supporter is making you uncomfortable OP so I don't think I could avoid just asking.

I would do nothing to cover his arse but nor would I go out of my way to meddle.

I advise you keep out of it and don't get involved.

It's none of your business.

It’s been entitled of him to expect your team to keep his secrets for him. But it’s not definite.

If she stays in his room this weekend you will know what’s happening. Hopefully she won’t come!

How crap for both women if it is an affair. And the children too ofc.

I would wait for the opportunity of being g in a group with the wife and the husband and loudly ask the husband, 'Where'a Antonia?' or whatever the friend woman's name is?

Feign innocence and say you thought it was his sister who always tagged along.

The thing is, whether she's a friend or a girlfriend is actually irrelevant, you are de facto being asked to lie to his wife and family by carefully NOT mentioning her. I mean, he hasn't come out and said that, but it's clear that's what's expected. And that creates awkwardness and the need to police your conversation. You can't say, "oh, I was just saying to Laura last week..." or "Yeah, Dave and Laura got completely soaked waiting for the race start last month - it was hilarious" or whatever.

I would have a quiet word with a few other members of the group and see how they feel. It might be that as a group you have ot tell him you're not comfortable.

I love this. Do this.

If he is cheating he's involving all of you in it by doing it so blatantly. None of you have consented to being part of his cover story, so you have no obligation to maintain his cover.

OK but you don't have to do any of that because you don't hold that knowledge. You don't actually know anything - and even if you did - it sounds like he hasn't actually asked you to keep any secrets.

But you seem to care a lot and have started a thread speculating about it.

But you don’t have to do any of that.

You don’t have to cover for him. You don’t even have to make polite conversation with his wife.

And you actually don’t have the knowledge.

I'm baffled as to why this is any of your business? He has not asked anyone to lie for him or cover anything up, he has told you all she's a friend so I would take it at face value and mind my own business 🤷‍♀️

This is such a load of bollox.

The team are being made complicit in his secret keeping. People can jump up and down going “Speculation!” but it isn’t speculation to say that someone else is there supporting him. The normal assumption would be that this is innocent so no harm in mentioning that his sister/friend/colleague was there earlier.

People don’t owe him secret keeping or silence. I am grateful to the women who chose not to keep silent when my ex was treating me badly, but I was still in the miasma. He hates them of course, because they had integrity which showed him up for what he was.

Not sure why you said my post is 'such a load of bollox' when you are actually just agreeing with me that OP isn't being asked/ expected to keep any secrets, and doesn't have to.

The only way we differ is that I'm saying that OP also actually doesn't know anything (which she doesn't).

No one is expecting or asking her to keep any secrets - and even if they did - she wouldn't have to.

But you have no idea if this woman is coming! I never share a room in group away situations like hen parties. And he has never asked you to cover anything up. One of the group has already spoken to him about this woman, he gave an explanation, and your responsibility ends there. It’s not your business to decide if it’s a ‘poor life’ for this friend ‘being bundled into taxis’.

If you actually have proof at some later stage that this is an affair, or are asked to collude or cover up, then you clearly have a decision to make, and it sounds as if you know what you’re prepared to do then, but for now, you only have speculation.

So when I met her and he introduced us, I should have ignored her?

I’d be inclined to drop him in it next time his wife is there by saying something like ‘where is Sarah today? She’s always here normally isn’t she? Is she unwell?’ In front of the wife. But I’m a bitch like that

I don't know whether to ask point blank if she's coming on the weekend. I've booked some things for the evenings so I need to know numbers.

Don't ask. If he hasn't said, don't include her in the numbers. Let him be the one to deal with it.

A full weekend away is likely to bring things more into the open.

Of course it's nothing to do with you, but I would feel u comfortable with this too. but there's nothing you can really do, it's a crap situation, and the guy is essentially bringing his own poor choices to the group.. but there's no way you could really tell anybody involved about this.

Predictably for MN, a fair percentage of posters are telling you that this is none of your business and that you should keep your nose out.

As someone who was cheated on for six sodding years in similar circumstances, and who went on to lose her H to the OW (for such was the 'supporter', or in my case the 'fellow committee member'), I would ask you to do whatever you can to throw a spanner in the works. It nearly killed me, when I finally discovered irrefutable evidence of the affair, to discover at the same time that many of the other members of the committee had strong suspicions of what was going on, and that some of them actually knew about it - the worst example of the latter being the president of the association, who just happened to be my mother-in-law.

Hiding in plain sight in a variety of scenarios is quite common for people wishing to conduct extramarital affairs.

They’re merely pointing out that the OP has zero evidence that this is an affair, only speculation. And while I’m sorry you had such a wounding experience of betrayal, it’s no one else’s job to sleuth about or throw spanners in other people’s relationships.

No, I wouldn't find it uncomfortable because other peoples private lives are their business and not I'm not that interested.