This is none of my business but makes me uncomfortable

[Weighnow]

I have a friendship group through a sport. It's very very important to me, they're all "safe" people to me. People I feel relaxed and comfortable with. We do many away days for the sport and occasional weekends away.

There's a more recent addition to the group who is great, very easy to be with. A bit younger than the rest of us, married with young children.

He's very enthusiastic and comes to everything. However, whenever we're doing an event, a young woman appears to support him. He never says she's coming, although he's clearly expecting her, she doesn't travel with us. He says she's an old friend who likes to support him, but it's all kept a bit quiet because his family don't like her. (I wonder why that could be!). She seems very pleasant and fits in with the group fine.

Last weekend we did the flagship event for our sport and he had all his family there supporting him, so I met his wife and kids for the first time. She seemed lovely and very proud and supportive of his achievements. The "friend" had been there earlier but didn't join the group later.

Maybe I'm being cyclical and jumping to conclusions, there's no opportunity for them to be alone together one these days out and they could engineer that if they wanted to, by spending less time with us.

What's worrying me is we have a weekend away coming up. He's booked a room on his own, whereas most people are sharing. I'm almost certain she'll be there.

I suppose we just play along with the idea that she's a friend there to support him?

As he becomes more integrated into the group, we're likely to see more of his wife. I'm not interested in others' personal lives, but I'd rather not know!

"Oh hi wife, I thought you were 'Julie' there for a second..."

I would 100% be dropping into conversations " Isn't Sally coming today?" not in front of the children; but to inform the wife of this.

If people didn't feel so comfortable publicly disrespecting their partners, then they would do it less. If the wife knows - then great. If she didn't know, she would now, and he would need to answer to her.

He will likely either leave your group or just find another means of having her nearby. Very odd behaviour. To continue seeing someone to the detriment of your family is very odd behaviour in my eyes. I understand peoples privacy and i understand that people are allowed to be friends with who ever this wish. But if the risk is that you lose your relationships/family unit, why bother?!

this is all on the basis it is an affair and not an extended family member.... we need deets!!!

I'd drop him in it too. Announce to his wife that X has just gone or you thought X was his wife. I'm not keeping anybody's secrets for them, it makes me feel ill.

I certainly wouldn't say anything about this in front of the group if his wife was present. If she doesn't know anything about it, it would be incredibly humiliating for her.

I agree with the PP who was cheated on, though. I would say something to his wife when I was on my own with her - if I wasn't on my own I'd make sure I added her on social media so I could ask her there.

This would also make me feel very uncomfortable - as others have said he's basically making the whole group complicit in whatever is going on without your consent. Whether she is just a friend that his DW doesn't like (and doesn't know he's seeing), or whether they are having an affair, it doesn't make much difference. In that situation I'd like to think I'd be bold enough to call him out on it, ask what the reaction would be if someone mentioned it to his DW, and if I was certain it was an affair ask him to either separate that from the time he spends with the group, or to leave the group all together. It is unfair to co-opt you into his own domestic subterfuge.

I recall in the past a married friend from work was having an affair with a colleague. I wasn't aware until they made it plain in front of me in the pub. I was pretty upset, so I left quickly, and later on told her that I didn't want to know or be involved. I also occasionally socialised with her DH and really wished I hadn't been party to that information.

Edit: to add, I think whether you tell the wife or not is a separate decision and if you do decide to do that, you should be careful in how you go about it. I would agree with those that say to do it privately.

I'd talk to the group about his practice of secretly beinging his female friend around when his wife and kids don't attend. I'd say I don't want any drama brought to our group and this has to be nipped in the bud.

I'd mention in front of the wife "is X not coming along to support you today?" If it's innocent then no problem. I wouldn't be covering for any lying cheating snake (if he is one).

I might be tempted to ask the friend one time, since she's the one who seems to mostly be around. "So, what's the deal with you and Steve? You guys having an affair, or what?" and see how she reacts. And "don't you feel bad that's he's lying to his wife about you being here?"

If their behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable, I don't see the problem with behaving in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable.

This would bother me a lot. Can you have a conversation with him saying she can’t come anymore because it’s making everyone uncomfortable?

He's booked a room on his own, whereas most people are sharing. I'm almost certain she'll be there.

You have no idea if she will be there or not, you are massively overstepping here. So she comes along, doesn't join in, doesn't hang around if his family is there, doesn't cause any trouble. He hasn't asked anyone to cover up for him, you don't know if his wife knows or not - that's an awful lot of speculation about someone you barely know. Keep your nose put, it's not your business.

I would never share a room with anyone for any reason so why should he if he doesn't want to? If I go away with friends or family they share rooms but I do not.

This would bother me a lot. Can you have a conversation with him saying she can’t come anymore because it’s making everyone uncomfortable?

Uncomfortable about what? Making up their own narrative because they don't like his version? He already answered a very personal question which he had no need to do. You have the answer now keep your nose out and stop jumping to conclusions.

Don’t be so bloody ridiculous.

he’s said she’s a friend. All she’s doing is watching. If you say that to him then you need to make a blanket rule that only partners are allowed.

Or said Hi? and that’s it?

You could also conclude that you don’t actually know what’s going on so just chat to whoever is there.

or if you are so sure you know what’s going on and so against it asked her where his friend was?

As I said originally, it’s very bold behaviour to take your wife to meet a group that you socialise your OW with. So on balance I think you don’t know the full story.

You are uncomfortable by a situation you don’t know all the details of. You have met the wife and weren’t willing to say anything. But you seemingly want more information and feel entitled to it, so you can make yourself more uncomfortable. And then what will you do with information?

If it’s that you will tell the wife, you are so convinced anyway just tell her. If you will be having a word with him, you are so convinced you know what’s happening, do that anyway.

You believe you know what’s going on, so just do what you would do anyway. you actually don’t need more Information. You just want it.

There could be a 1000 and 1 explanations and not the obvious
if they are shagging I’m sure there’d be better opportunities than watching him at an event
also he’s not kept it a secret

I think your assumptions are correct. Not much you can do. I do think it takes away from the hobby. Maybe the person running it needs to think about making a decision to exclude him. Not so much about the affair but because of the distraction.

I don't agree that your group should be used as a place for him and AP it tars you all with dame brush and make the group a bit seedy imho. It's clearly making you and others feel uncomfortable in the group so maybe ask her directly to not come or stop encouraging her,what type of woman hangs about a married man knowing both his wife and family don't like it - say it all really.

I'd do this too.

He’s almost certainly having an affair. However, you hit the nail on the head in the first half of your thread title. It is indeed none of your business. You and your mate who felt compelled to “have a word” about him playing with fire are trying to make yourselves main characters in the story when you barely even have supporting parts.

These aren’t your dear old friends whom you’re torn between. He’s someone you know through a hobby. You’ve met his wife once. Would she even recognise you if she ran into you in M&S? Stop putting yourself front and centre in THEIR lives.

You've predictably had “Ooh, try to get her in a picture and tag his wife!”, “Pretend you’re confused and thought she knew all along and tell her loudly next time you see her!” etc. type responses from drama queens slathering for gossip, like Pavlov’s dogs in Next separates. Of course they want you to do that - because THEY don’t have to deal with the fallout. They can pop up every few days with “Any update, OP?”, and if you don’t update them, it won’t matter too much really; there will always be another thread along in a minute, just waiting for their over-investment. The real people involved don’t matter.

If he does bring this woman on the weekend and specifically asks you not to mention it to his wife if he brings her to an event, you can legitimately say “No, I’m not doing that. Don’t drag me into your private life. Either don’t bring your ‘friend’ or don’t bring your wife”. But you don’t have the right to make demands and claim you’re being forced to keep a secret when you might well never clap eyes on his wife - a virtual stranger - again.

Yes, I’m sure it’s totally innocent 🙄🙄🙄

It almost certainly isn’t. But that doesn’t make it the OP’s business.

There is no chance in hell there’s not more to this. Who would do that for a platonic friend? I’ve been to watch my mate play hockey in the freezing cold once in 25 years! I ran a marathon with him, but my DH was an usher at his wedding. We are all great friends. No chance this isn’t more than that.

Edit as I’ve tagged the wrong post from OP!

It seems odd that the only non-participant who regularly comes along is this woman.
Does it spoil the group dynamic socially.
What do the others think/say? Are they bothered by it?
Could one of you take him to one side and say 'Look, we don't know what's going on but if you are cheating do not expect us to lie to cover for you in any way.' Maybe phrase it more diplomatically.

Course it’s uncomfortable, I would tell the wife what’s going on personally. The guy is asking to get caught and he is a dick. The gf/ap is a stupid simpering individual too, giving a cheer, vomit…

I’d make a blanket rule of “not using my nice hobby group to cover up whatever you’re hiding from your partner”

(edited for grammar)

This - so you can ALL stopped being manipulated by this man (including his wife & bit on the side) :

WarshipRocinante
If she stays in his room, then I would very bluntly say the next morning, “Does your wife know about that? Because we’re a close group and our families come along to our events so we all get them know each other and we won’t cover up for you.” But I’m too old and too fed up with men like this and I literally don’t give a shit how he reacts or what happens after. If you do then maybe not the best thing to do.