This is none of my business but makes me uncomfortable

[Weighnow]

I have a friendship group through a sport. It's very very important to me, they're all "safe" people to me. People I feel relaxed and comfortable with. We do many away days for the sport and occasional weekends away.

There's a more recent addition to the group who is great, very easy to be with. A bit younger than the rest of us, married with young children.

He's very enthusiastic and comes to everything. However, whenever we're doing an event, a young woman appears to support him. He never says she's coming, although he's clearly expecting her, she doesn't travel with us. He says she's an old friend who likes to support him, but it's all kept a bit quiet because his family don't like her. (I wonder why that could be!). She seems very pleasant and fits in with the group fine.

Last weekend we did the flagship event for our sport and he had all his family there supporting him, so I met his wife and kids for the first time. She seemed lovely and very proud and supportive of his achievements. The "friend" had been there earlier but didn't join the group later.

Maybe I'm being cyclical and jumping to conclusions, there's no opportunity for them to be alone together one these days out and they could engineer that if they wanted to, by spending less time with us.

What's worrying me is we have a weekend away coming up. He's booked a room on his own, whereas most people are sharing. I'm almost certain she'll be there.

I suppose we just play along with the idea that she's a friend there to support him?

As he becomes more integrated into the group, we're likely to see more of his wife. I'm not interested in others' personal lives, but I'd rather not know!

I know wife didn't know she'd been at the event this weekend.

Why does he need support? He manages a marriage and being a df why can't he manage the group? Or take some cheerleader pom poms and give her them. Sounds like a scumbag to me.. Make sure you post lots of pics do them together.. He can deal with that fallout.

Like you said, it's none of your business.

Gosh it’s not a good situation to be involuntarily involved in.

I’ve had a male friend from years ago. I went to school with him and shared a flat with him in my 20s. We were only ever roommates and we got on really well. He moved away and got married and although I’ve never met his wife, he wasn’t allowed to see me.

I haven’t seen him
since his wedding day seventeen years ago. He lives far enough away that it doesn’t impact my life and the friendship would probably have naturally fizzled out but I was sad at the time.
But we’d never have shared a room so for that reason, I think this man and his secret friendship are more than friends.

I’d be inclined to naturally drop him into
it too tbh. What he does is his business but he’s making it the group’s business. He sounds horrible.

By "family" he means "wife"
I would guess they are not "just friends"

She supports him at the sport, not with the group. I.e. goes along to give him a cheer. Of course he doesn't need it. It's usual for the big events to have some family and friends there, if they're interested, but it's not a regular thing for the rest of us.

Yeah this isn’t above board but tbh it’s also no-one elses business. If the shit hit the fan though I wouldn’t be lying for him, that would be on him. But I understand why you would feel really uncomfortable, I wouldn’t like it at all.

It kind of is your business, because you're feeling drawn into somehow validating or at least 'being cool' with a relationship that is unusual at best, and not very nice at worst.

I suspect that's why you feel uncomfortable and actually he is expecting a lot of you all as bystanders in this, and he's not being open about it with you.

It's unfair of him.

Well that's definitely speculating because you don't even know if she's coming. Worry about it if/ when she does.
'I need to know numbers' seems like an excuse for being nosy. It's on him to tell you if he has a guest.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck

Taking a photograph and posting it on the sport’s social media page is a good idea. A nice big group photo of everyone after the event or during the evening meal innocently tagging all participants.

It sounds very strange. But he is really playing with fire to bring his wife to some of these events and this woman to others, of the wife doesn’t know about her.

It would only take someone saying ‘oh isn’t Sally joining us?’.

i see why you feel uncomfortable if you think he is having an affair. However, unless you are going to tell the wife I would just ignore it. No one attending the hobby has an obligation to act in a way that makes them feel ‘safe’ to you. Quite frankly I bet there’s a few of the other people that attend that you don’t know things about and if you did you would see them differently. The difference is, you just aren’t aware of it.

Pure speculation based on zero evidence on a matter that is none of your business OP. Sorry to be blunt but that's how I see it.

Plus, how do you know his wife doesn't have a "secret friend" who visits her when her DH is with you? Or that they both have and they are both happy with the arrangement.

I wouldn’t ask if she is coming or not, no way. Do other people come with partners? If yes, check numbers as you usually do and nothing more.

I've got some close male friends too and one or two I'd share a room with, but not when I or they were married, out of respect for the spouses.

DH was happy for me to see them, but I never did it without him knowing where I was and who I was with.

.lNo one attending the hobby has an obligation to act in a way that makes them feel ‘safe’ to you. Quite frankly I bet there’s a few of the other people that attend that you don’t know things about and if you did you would see them differently. The difference is, you just aren’t aware of it.

This is also true.

Most people don't bring partners, those that donate already told me. I know he's not bringing DW, but friend is often there without anything being said beforehand.

Just re the room, I wouldn’t share a room and would book one of my own.

Why are you so invested? I’d let him get on with it. If she is his girlfriend it will be his mess to sort out when it all inevitably goes toys up.

Everyone else can do exactly as they please, if I don't know and don't have to make polite conversation with their wife, whilst holding that knowledge, I don't care.

I would say something along the lines of 'It's none of my business what you do but, if your wife ever asks me, I'm not going to lie for you."

I think you don’t know the full situation and you should just keep out of it. It’s like you’re delighting in the gossip. Just ignore and continue on.

Why exactly do you need to know numbers? Is it for restaurant bookings? Has he already included himself? If not, they might be doing their own thing?

Invested? At the thought of spending a weekend with friend and his AP, whilst having to make polite conversation with his wife on other weekends? Really, you wouldn't find that uncomfortable?

Yes, he's included.