This is none of my business but makes me uncomfortable

[Weighnow]

I have a friendship group through a sport. It's very very important to me, they're all "safe" people to me. People I feel relaxed and comfortable with. We do many away days for the sport and occasional weekends away.

There's a more recent addition to the group who is great, very easy to be with. A bit younger than the rest of us, married with young children.

He's very enthusiastic and comes to everything. However, whenever we're doing an event, a young woman appears to support him. He never says she's coming, although he's clearly expecting her, she doesn't travel with us. He says she's an old friend who likes to support him, but it's all kept a bit quiet because his family don't like her. (I wonder why that could be!). She seems very pleasant and fits in with the group fine.

Last weekend we did the flagship event for our sport and he had all his family there supporting him, so I met his wife and kids for the first time. She seemed lovely and very proud and supportive of his achievements. The "friend" had been there earlier but didn't join the group later.

Maybe I'm being cyclical and jumping to conclusions, there's no opportunity for them to be alone together one these days out and they could engineer that if they wanted to, by spending less time with us.

What's worrying me is we have a weekend away coming up. He's booked a room on his own, whereas most people are sharing. I'm almost certain she'll be there.

I suppose we just play along with the idea that she's a friend there to support him?

As he becomes more integrated into the group, we're likely to see more of his wife. I'm not interested in others' personal lives, but I'd rather not know!

OP I think people are being harsh in telling you to mind your own business as it sounds like you are being asked to lie to wife or at least not mention the secret friend whom they do not like.

But she doesn’t even know the wife! She’s not being asked to keep a massive secret from a dear friend - she’s met her once!

Is op being asked to keep anything a secret?

I’m in a similar situation. It’s really difficult. I am friends with the wife too. I have spoken to the male party and said I really hope what I’m seeing is harmless flirting but it’s really disrespectful and unless you want your world to blow up it needs to stop.
I couldn’t just pretend I hadn’t seen things and ignore it out of respect for his wife. If it were my husband being inappropriate I’d hope one of our friends would say something.
I was reassured that it was drunken behaviour that he couldn’t remember and was embarrassed about. Felt that would be it and moved on. That was 6 months ago. Two weeks ago another friend of ours pulled me over and said “They are blatantly sleeping with each other.” This friend wasn’t at the Two previous events that made me feel the need to speak up. So it turns out that the behaviour is carrying on when I’m not around. They may not have stepped over the line completely but what they are doing is wrong and they both know it.
I’ve been advised to stay out of it because at the end of the day it isn’t my business but I feel sick about it. I regularly see his wife and kids and her husband. I feel like I’m complicit in their affair. Because they may not be sleeping together but they are having an emotional affair and if either of their partners found out it would cause huge fallout. I feel particularly sad for the kids involved as I know their mum would not put up with this type of behaviour and it will potentially lead to their family falling apart.
I’m now having to distance myself from them, which has been noted but I can’t be near the wife, especially when drinking, as I’m not sure how much longer I can go one without saying something.

Yes you are jumping to conclusions OP but in my view a pretty likely conclusion! I wouldn’t like this. I’d be uncomfortable because as a PP said, you feel like you’re being roped into something secretive. And I don’t think them not being able to get time alone together precludes an affair. Maybe she just wants to be with him whenever possible so she tags along. And then when there is an opportunity he books his own room. Hmmm.

I agree you can’t police him/all men who may be up to no good but I don’t think you’re wrong to not like it and have suspicions. As we see on MN all the time, plenty of women find themselves being the wife in scenarios like this, have suspicions and are proved right.

in your shoes I’d probably hang back and not stir the pot but I would be looking to be chatty to the wife and come over as friendly and supportive to her, and also look out for the female friend. These situations have a way of playing themselves out and shit might hit fan eventually. but avoid getting closely tangled up in it.

If it is an affair they could be using the sport as a cover. Eg you all do a race an hour or two from home and travel back afterwards. He tells his wife you are all staying over afterwards to celebrate and then spends the night there with the 'friend'. The times you see her cheering him on might not be the only time they see each other that day.

Some of his long training runs could be short runs to the 'friend's' house. If he has a full on career and a family I suspect if you chatted to the friend you will find they work (or once worked) for the same company.

If last week was the flagship event (London marathon?) you might never see the wife again or not for another year. Just assume he will be alone at the weekend away until you get evidence to the contrary. Then weigh up as a group whether you should tell him you are uncomfortable. Many others are probably feeling the same way as you.

I can see why you are suspicious and if the ‘friend’ does share his room while you are away, then I think it does become clearer.
It’s one thing having an affair, but if he brings that into the group, while also expecting you to be friendly with his wife, that’d taking it too far for me. I’d feel implicated in the subterfuge.
If he’s having an affair - he needs to keep it out of the group. Whatever goes on outside of the group, that’s his own choice/business.
I used to work with a manager who was having an affair with a colleague. We knew his lovely wife too. She suspected and used to ask indirect questions to try and establish who he was messing with. One time she called in to the office while he was ‘away on business’ to drop something off. He was actually on holiday with the colleague. I refused to lie on his behalf.
She asked me if my colleague in work, I said no she was on holiday. She asked if any one else had gone on the business trip. I said I hadn’t heard of any business trip taking place. She knew.

He deserves this. If its innocent then there's no harm done .... if its not then his cover is blown.

Yessss ... this!

I’m on your side OP. I would feel SO uncomfortable with this, I would have purposely said something to the wife, “its nice to finally meet you! I was hoping we would, we’ve already met X a few times now”

He hasn't asked you to lie and you don't know the full situation. It's awkward but just ignore the situation as much as possible.

I’d just treat her like his friend, like I do all my other friend’s friends!
I certainly wouldn’t speculate as it’s none of my business

I think you're right that they're having an affair of sorts. Would I interfere? No, it's not my life. I wouldn't cover for him either though.

I'd keep yourself to yourself. And treat people respectfully in this regard. If it's bugging you and you're not happy about it, why make it your business?
You might say I'm not, but you clearly are, by publishing it on this forum....
You don't want to be embroiled in this; and to keep the peace let them be.
Some women actually know that they're married. But would fall into depression, if they lost that man they loved.
So unless you know the relationship dynamics, hold your peace Amen. You're there for your own business and sport and not his!

Could be. Could also be a complete, and rather complex, fabrication.

We had a similar situation with a housemate. He had a lovely girlfriend in his home country. We then discovered he had another girlfriend locally. He tried to keep it secret, but one of the other housemates came home early and discovered them. He went mad about it, which was ridiculous, as we all had a right to be there whenever we wanted. It was very uncomfortable after that when his original girlfriend rang up - we never knew whether to tell her or not, as we still had to live with him.

With the whole lift sharing scenario this thread has gone a bit bonkers! @Weighnow I never get into lift-sharing because I prefer to travel under my own steam, don't want to feel beholden to travel at set times, I might want to stop on the way there or back to see someone/do something, and I don't particularly like chatting on a car journey – would rather think my own thoughts and play my own music, loudly.

You admit that all 3 individuals are perfectly fine and pleasant to be around, so why not take it at face value and treat them all as individuals? You don't actually need to get involved with any of them beyond the shared sporting interest.