Niece spends every single weekend alone with granddad

[nb2023]

Hi,

There's something that's been on my mind for some time.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

My niece spends every single weekend alone with her paternal granddad without exception.

My sister's partner drops her off on a Friday and picks her up again on the Sunday.

They've had this arrangement since she was very small (maybe 1 year old).

Her granddad lives alone (he used to live with his mother (my niece's great grandmother) , but she passed away a year ago).

My mother said that he really enjoys spending time with his granddaughter and I feel awful for being concerned.

I've never mentioned my concerns to my family, as I feel doing so would be hugely offensive.

I have 3 children myself and wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Maybe it's a case of me being distrustful and jaded and if you think that's the case, please tell me so xx

Who would want to babysit a 3 year old every weekend?

Why don't the parents want to spend time with their daughter at the weekend?

I would be uncomfortable with this too.

Because your sister had already been getting rid of her older son every weekend, it sounds like it’s more likely to be a ‘sister’ problem and not the grandad that’s pushing for this situation.

Find it hard to believe there are no mental health or drug problems involved.

All you lot who spent every single Friday and Saturday night and Sunday day from age 1-3 with your grandparent should be asking your parents why?

Same to the parents who allow it now.

In the long run this daughter will resent her parents for abandoning her every single weekend.

24 hours at weekends is sufficient assuming the grandad is not a safeguarding risk.

Is he ASKING to take the child or is she being given to him? Ooh let me alone with X or oh you need to take X we're so tired? What happens of you say oh I saw this fun family activity, can me and you take the kids? Does she seem to cope ok in the week or are they always looking to not care for them?

The OP said yesterday:

"I think a lot of it also has to do with it being convenient for my sister to have child free weekends."

and:

"She uses the weekend to sleep, clean her apartment, go swimming or go somewhere with her partner. Sometimes they go to a hotel on the weekend, sort of as a weekend getaway."

I get the impression that this is being pushed by the sister.

I was concerned that the new partner might be pushing for this, but does seem that the sister was already using her mum to look after her son at weekends.

Hi @crumblingschools I spent sat evening and sunday with my mum/ dad until they split up when I was ten.

But I absolutely adored spending an overnight stay at my nana's every week. It was our time. We always went out Saturday through the day too. Sometimes I spent sat night there too. I have the most magical memories of a woman who died just In Jan. I was lucky to have her as long as I did. I spent a lot of time with my mum but my time with my grand parents were cherished. My other gran died when I was 11 and I miss her to this day. I am so happy that I have those memories with these wonderful people.

I think yabu.

I stayed Friday - Sunday at my maternal grandparents house every weekend & ALL school holidays. My grandmother passed when I was 12 and I asked if I could move in with my grandad. I lived there until I married at 21. I wish I still had him in my life now 😪, I miss him terribly

Especially when he has a son who he still has a relationship with. Is it the Law that they have to instantly shack up with somebody else and punt out three kids with a stepmother when they get divorced/widowed?

Back in the 60s, when I was about 2, I was regularly left in the care of a disabled, grumpy, bachelor, great uncle. He doted on me and I loved his company right up to his death when I was about 14.

Nobody really understood it, he didn't really get on with many people, but nobody ever suggested there was anything wrong with it.

I can see why you are perturbed by it but if the child's parents are happy...

Well all I can say is thank heavens this little girl has her grandad because her parents don’t seem much cop (same as the boy with his grandmother).

I think it's unusual, but to me the primary issue (that's creating this situation in the first place) is your sister not wanting to spend any quality weekend time with either of her children. Your nephew is off with your mum and your niece with her grandfather, whilst she and her partner prioritise spending the weekend together without them. That seems really dysfunctional and borderline emotional neglect. The poor kids must feel second-best.

OP-if you're not happy with the situation, you need to ask your sister outright. She is unfortunately the root of the problem. Has she had any issues herself growing up?

The whole situation is odd. Your sister does not seem to be bothered by the fact she doesn't see her kids much.

Either the grandad is helping out at their request, or worst case, he has planted the seed I'm the head.

Hopefully it's innocent on his part, unfortunately predators do prey on children of parents that are neglectful or easily groomed. I would be very concerned about the comment of he loves her so much. Either your sister made it up as an excuse or he really did offer because of that reason.

However, your sister is not innocent in this for her children's emotional development at the very least.

This!!

Why don't they want to spend time with her? It's very odd!!!

Sounds like the grandad is stepping up to be the parents that your sister and husband are clearly not being. I would be more concerned about them palming both your neice and nephew off every single weekend. Why on earth did they have children. Poor kids.

Eh? She's not the Ex's kid, she's the current partner's kid!

See OP:

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

@Coconutter24 you're wrong too- it's the current partner's 3 year old daughter.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

It’s pretty shit to send your child away every weekend tbh, I had no childcare help and I would have jumped at any offer but even I would think thats too much time away from home.

I actually think you should always be alert to safeguarding when it comes to kids. Plenty of abuse is within the family. But tbh your sister has form for doing her best to not look after her own kids so a) he could be stepping in because his granddaughters parents can’t be arsed b) he genuinely loves taking care of his grandaughter b) he has nefarious intentions.

I’m not sure what you can do here tbh to make sure she’s ok. Your sister will resist any reduction in childcare regardless.

Honestly I discovered that parenting was harder than it looked so stopped at one. Why on earth did she have a second.

She uses the weekend to sleep, clean her apartment, go swimming or go somewhere with her partner. Sometimes they go to a hotel on the weekend, sort of as a weekend getaway.

Why did she bother having a child if she wants to live as if she doesn't have kids?

Honestly some folk shouldn't be parents.

An occasional break, fine. Shipped off EVERY weekend - not fine.

Those kids are going to have ishooooos.

@Myotherrideisabroom to ask to move out of your parents’ house at 12 is unusual.

@WhatDoIDoPeople but every weekend? Every single weekend?

Never take your child out? A fun activity/park/swimming together? Never have family time at home all together for a day? Watching a film or playing with toys? Never spend time with them in a day when neither of you have been tired at work or nursery so you can enjoy morning cuddles, playtime, eating together?

NEVER?

I'm no Mummy Martyr but a parent who does not want to spend ANY time with their young child should not be a parent.

Wow what has happened to this world come to where a grandchild can’t spend time grandparent without it being classed as ‘inappropriate’?!

@LauderSyme
”it was his mother, not his wife”

Thats how I read it but others seem to think it was his wife and I am wondering if OP meant the BIL when she said “he (the grandad) used to live with his (the BILs) mother”?