Niece spends every single weekend alone with granddad

[nb2023]

Hi,

There's something that's been on my mind for some time.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

My niece spends every single weekend alone with her paternal granddad without exception.

My sister's partner drops her off on a Friday and picks her up again on the Sunday.

They've had this arrangement since she was very small (maybe 1 year old).

Her granddad lives alone (he used to live with his mother (my niece's great grandmother) , but she passed away a year ago).

My mother said that he really enjoys spending time with his granddaughter and I feel awful for being concerned.

I've never mentioned my concerns to my family, as I feel doing so would be hugely offensive.

I have 3 children myself and wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Maybe it's a case of me being distrustful and jaded and if you think that's the case, please tell me so xx

And I know multiple women who were raped throughout their early childhoods by their grandfathers and fathers.

If men perpetrate 90% of abuse and women perpetrate 10%, a child is 9 times more likely to be victimised by a man than a woman. You are drawing false equivalence. Why?

I think these Qs SHOULD be asked & people SHOULD be highly vigilant of any man wanting to spend long periods of time regularly alone with a child.

Sexual abuse by men against female children is highly prevalent, especially in family scenarios!!

THIS!!!

I'm so tired that people in this thread are pretending that statistically it isn't MEN who mostly abuse children!!!

Why have you used the term ‘farmed out’ when it’s a granddaughter going to spend time with her granddad? I don’t think that’s going to help OPs concerns

@WeekendFreedom The thread isn't about helping minimise the Ops concerns.

The Op has justifiable concerns about a family who spend almost zero quality time together and the motivation for Granddad to have the child so much.

Does mum have some sort of PND, drug, drink problem and never bonded to her DD? Is Granddad feeling exhausted but feeling he has no choice but step up for full on parenting of a small child every weekend.

Is Granddad insisting on uninterrupted access to the girl?

The lack of quality time together is motivated by something the question is WHAT.
I don't think it's normal for any child to spend so much time away from primary carers especially a child so young.

It’s probably not a thread to help minimise her concerns but people using statements like that when they know nothing about the family or situation aren’t very helpful.
Op has concerns fine but she doesn’t know the man and unless I have missed something she doesn’t have justifiable concerns. If it’s because op thinks the daughter should be at home, that’s none of her business if she has genuine concerns about what goes on then she needs to speak to the sister

Definitely agree and especially with the speaking to sister if OP has concerns

The child is in nursery 5 days, why don't they save money by sending the kid to Granddad?

Does Granddad still work, he's only recently lost his mother so he could well be of working age. When is his down time?

He has children and grandchildren, there's no reason to think he has sexual disfunction because he lived with his mum for the last how many years of her life

We bucked the trend with several men in my extended family ended up doing elder care - ones without wives had a variety of reasons - death divorce - being gay so never having one.

You go to the elder board and there is huge resentment that elder care is often dumped on women - yet when men do step up people infer the oddest things.

The lack of quality time together is motivated by something the question is WHAT.
I don't think it's normal for any child to spend so much time away from primary carers especially a child so young.

This would be my concern - and frankly only seeing with own eyes the situation or asking questions of relatives around child will shed any light on it.

You have no idea who he lived with , stop trying to make out that men who are single and who live with elderly relatives are some sort of weirdo sex offenders , the child is just as likely to be abused by her own father who lives with her

I see the villagers are still out in force with their pitchforks. Disappointing.

You're right, I was implying that the 'single male living with mother must be a creep' stereotype has some validity.

Whereas in fact child abusers are found within a range of relationship statuses.

I am probably over-sensitive because the rapist who destroyed my minor brothers' wellbeing, and delivered him to a hell from which he has never recovered, lived with his mum.

This from the National Crime Agency is more 'disappointing':

"Child sexual abuse covers a range of offence types, occurring online, offline or moving between both. It is estimated that there are between 680,000 and 830,000 UK based adult offenders who pose varying degrees of risk to children, equivalent to 1.3% to 1.6% of the UK adult population (click here to find out more about the methodology used). Estimates indicate that one in ten children experienced child sexual abuse before the age of 16 and the 2022 Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse estimates that this occurs to one in six girls and one in twenty boys. However, all forms of child sexual abuse remain consistently underreported.

It is estimated that about two thirds of physical sexual abuse takes place within the family environment, which remains challenging to detect due to the hidden nature of the crime".

Sexual abuse devastates victims for years and years after those crimes are committed against them.

Even if there is only an infinitesimal chance that this girl is being exploited and harmed, it is worth being aware and proactive in investigating.

It is irresponsible IMO to completely dismiss the risk out of hand.

Thanks everyone for your input.
I appreciate that this is a very sensitive topic for many.

On the one hand there are people who had wonderful relationships with grandparents. On the other hand there are people who had bad experiences.

I guess what worries me, and maybe I didn't express myself clearly, is that she is completely alone with her granddad every single weekend.

Of course anyone can abuse children.

I trust my husband. We spend most weekends together with the children. Of course he's also allowed to be alone with the children.

However, if he took the children somewhere alone every single weekend, it would feel weird? Almost like he tried to put distance between me and them?

I'm actually not a stranger to spending time with grandparents. My mother had 4 children and dropped me off with my grandparents for a couple of hours with them when she got very busy. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents when I was a child. The majority of the time I spent with my parents/siblings though. My mother was a SAHM.

@LauderSyme I don't dispute what you say about the bigger picture. But there's no evidence of any wrongdoing here. The alleged evidence is the fact of an older single man caring for his granddaughter for two nights a week. The OP isn't nearby and just knows about the arrangement from what she's heard. She has a feeling about it (and should buy some Gaviscon). That's not evidence at all is it of any predatory or untoward behaviour. And these threads are really dangerous with the hue and cry of neglect and peado. I really hope this family isn't outed on here because if they are, the unlawful harassment they would face from keyboard warriors and vigilantes would be the only crime that is likely to result based on what we can see here.

@Itradehorses There was no evidence in my brother's case either, apart from an adult male being happy to spend time alone with a child.

I desperately wish my parents had been more curious and not been so trusting and complacent. If you had asked the perpetrator he would have told you how much he loved spending time with db too.

But the grandad hasn't said 'oh leave my granddaughter with me every weekend,' has he? He hasn't proactively asked to spend time alone with her (and even if he did it doesn't mean he's a pedophile).

From everything you have said, it sounds more like your sister and her partner CBA to parent and he's stepped up. Why don't you ask your sister and her partner why they can't be arsed to look after their child and take it from there?

@LauderSyme I'm really sorry about what happened to your brother. It's awful. But you can't extrapolate that one example to say that all intergenerational family relationships between males and younger females are suspicious.

But the grandad hasn't said 'oh leave my granddaughter with me every weekend,' has he? He hasn't proactivelyasked to spend time alone with her (and even if he did it doesn't mean he's a pedophile).

I don't think the OP knows what the situation is - if it come from 3 year old parents or being pushed by GF.

I think the lack of time with parents with such a young child is odd became it's not what we wanted as a parents - some weekend normal every weekend and some evenings is odd IMO- but also at minute similar situation in DH extended family where this was happened ended with SS involvement as it did turn out to be drugs - and both parents have been deemed unfit and they are looking at kindship fostering which is clearly going to be influencing my outlook.

I'm sure there are other family set up where it not that at all and it a very healthy supportive positive thing building bonds with extended family.

I have questioned it more to wonder why the OP is focused on potential wrong doing of GF rather than considering her sisters actions in all this. Given the other child chooses to spend time with another GP OP Mum - I do think this is more likely to be originating with sister.

Sounds like your sister and her partner are just incredibly lazy parents who are taking advantage of their parents. Hopefully your Mother and the Grandad are providing them with a healthier more secure environment.

@Itradehorses I have not made that extrapolation anywhere on this thread.

I don't believe that all the relationships you describe are suspect, far from it. My grandads were wonderfully loving and caring towards me.

However it does seem that I am much more likely to err on the side of cynicism and caution than some, probably due to my life experiences.

I wrote upthread that given the dynamics in OP's family, the parents are really not in a position to know what occurs to their daughter at weekends. That is a worry.

So many people here assuming that this arrangement is happening at the grandfather's behest and that he actually WANTS to look after a three year old every weekend.

More likely to be a selfish couple dumping their child on the grandparents (now singular widowed grandparent) every weekend so they can have childfree fun and the poor old sod is complying out of a sense of duty.