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Original poster

Niece spends every single weekend alone with granddad

323 replies

nb2023 · 25/04/2024 13:04

Hi,

There's something that's been on my mind for some time.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

My niece spends every single weekend alone with her paternal granddad without exception.

My sister's partner drops her off on a Friday and picks her up again on the Sunday.

They've had this arrangement since she was very small (maybe 1 year old).

Her granddad lives alone (he used to live with his mother (my niece's great grandmother) , but she passed away a year ago).

My mother said that he really enjoys spending time with his granddaughter and I feel awful for being concerned.

I've never mentioned my concerns to my family, as I feel doing so would be hugely offensive.

I have 3 children myself and wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Maybe it's a case of me being distrustful and jaded and if you think that's the case, please tell me so xx

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 25/04/2024 19:11

@Devilshands "We can read, OP"

Actually quite a few posters seem unable to grasp the meaning of what they have read. I feel OP's frustration.

jannier · 25/04/2024 19:15

HcbSS · 25/04/2024 17:09

Not a safeguarding issue, but extremely selfish.

Emotional abuse is safeguarding

okaythensure · 25/04/2024 19:16

I think the OP is badly structured and that's what problem are struggling to understand.

You could have just said your sister sends her three year old daughter to her grandfathers house every weekend and that you are concerned.

By mentioning the ex-husband, new partner and son it causes confusion ans takes focus away from what you're actually getting at.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds 3 year olds 8 year olds Families
okaythensure · 25/04/2024 19:17

*why people 🤦🏼‍♀️

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/04/2024 19:18

I find it weird that the parents don't want their child at all any weekend

Thank god for the grandad picking up the slack

crumblingschools · 25/04/2024 19:19

I would have safeguarding concern that neither child seems to ever spend weekends with their parents

WolfFoxHare · 25/04/2024 19:23

WhatDoIDoPeople · 25/04/2024 18:57

I don’t agree. As long as the child is getting their needs met, it doesn’t need to be the parents (most people mean mother here) meeting them.

It’s not selfish to have needs of your own when you’re a parent; you don’t stop being a person because you’re a parent. In most cases this will be when someone is in peak health etc and they’re expected to forego all needs for the 20 years after becoming a parent.

The parents in this case work during the week. We don’t know how well the 3 year old sleeps or whether there are any additional health needs for the parents. For all we know there may be depression or burn out from mentally taxing jobs.

if they’re spending some family time in the evenings Mon-Thurs, and having time on Sunday too. I think that’s not awful tbh.

This modern fixation with the nuclear family unit, and “making memories” has to be one (of many) reasons for the falling birth rate. Parenting is hard. Expectations of what good parenting is have rocketed at the same time that both parents are juggling careers, and numerous other societal expectations.

People live differently. In the same way some people think it’s ‘weird’ to not spend weekends with your children, I wouldn’t choose to set children the example of a mother without financial independence and outside interests. But horses for courses, right?

Show quote history

Sorry, you’re wrong here. They’re bad parents. It’s ok to call lazy self-centred poor parenting out. In case you’re not aware, you can be a financially independent mother with outside interests AND spend time with your children. Most working mothers manage it without farming their kids out to other people every weekend so they can have mini breaks and get their nails done. Maybe you just have lower parenting standards - horses for courses, though, right?

BigFatLiar · 25/04/2024 19:29

Someone I grew up with was basically raised by her grandparents. Her parents both worked long hours and the grandparents lived local to good schools so she stayed with them from infancy through primary school.

Sounds to me like grandad enjoys looking after his granddaughter, good for him. Nothing wrong with that. DH's best days are when the grandchildren are here, he'd have them all the time.

pinoco · 25/04/2024 19:32

nb2023 · 25/04/2024 13:04

Hi,

There's something that's been on my mind for some time.

My sister has an 8 year old son with her ex husband and an almost 3 year old daughter with her partner.

My niece spends every single weekend alone with her paternal granddad without exception.

My sister's partner drops her off on a Friday and picks her up again on the Sunday.

They've had this arrangement since she was very small (maybe 1 year old).

Her granddad lives alone (he used to live with his mother (my niece's great grandmother) , but she passed away a year ago).

My mother said that he really enjoys spending time with his granddaughter and I feel awful for being concerned.

I've never mentioned my concerns to my family, as I feel doing so would be hugely offensive.

I have 3 children myself and wouldn't be happy with that arrangement.

I don't know this man, most likely it is completely normal, but would you agree that it is a safeguarding risk?

Maybe it's a case of me being distrustful and jaded and if you think that's the case, please tell me so xx

It would cross my mind too as we know the statistics and especially with older men

CloudPop · 25/04/2024 19:33

Thehobbit2013 · 25/04/2024 19:10

Have you also ‘cautiously’ raised concerns about your nephew spending most weekends with his maternal grandmother? Or is it just men that spend time with their grandchildren that’s a safeguarding issue?

And what about cautiously raising an issue that your sister spends all of her weekends away from her two children ? Am I alone in thinking that's the strange / worrying thing here ?

Original poster
nb2023 · 25/04/2024 19:37

Lalor · 25/04/2024 19:09

Why does your sister not want to spend any weekend with her children?

Show quote history

Good question. Her son has a father, who was never really much interested in him. He didn't live with my sister and only saw him a few times a week.

As a result, my mother had to support my sister a lot. I think that's why my nephew wants to spend a lot of time with my mother, he's very attached to her.

They also live in the same house, just different apartments. So my nephew just has to go up the staircase and hang out at my mother's apartment at the weekend.

I think, although he's very nice in most ways , he's not an easy child, he has problems with listening. He shouts a lot when he doesn't get his way and my sister finds it convenient sending him off to my mother.

With my niece, I don't understand it. She's a very laid back, calm child. She also has a father that's involved in her life and lives with her.

Her grandfather lives in the same village, but not in the same house.

I think the official reason why she's being sent to her granddad every single weekend is because "he loves her so much".

I think a lot of it also has to do with it being convenient for my sister to have child free weekends.

OP posts:
Babycatsmummy · 25/04/2024 19:39

I used to spend every Thursday and Friday evening and Sunday with my Grandad from the age of 3. I absolutely loved my time with him and made some unforgettable memories of our time together. He's now in the sky and I miss him dearly.

Doesn't mean anything untoward is going on, my mum did it because she had mental health issues and it was in my best interests.

Gummybear23 · 25/04/2024 19:40

Are you suggesting grandad is a pedophile?

If you have any concerns report it.

Lalor · 25/04/2024 19:41

nb2023 · 25/04/2024 19:37

Good question. Her son has a father, who was never really much interested in him. He didn't live with my sister and only saw him a few times a week.

As a result, my mother had to support my sister a lot. I think that's why my nephew wants to spend a lot of time with my mother, he's very attached to her.

They also live in the same house, just different apartments. So my nephew just has to go up the staircase and hang out at my mother's apartment at the weekend.

I think, although he's very nice in most ways , he's not an easy child, he has problems with listening. He shouts a lot when he doesn't get his way and my sister finds it convenient sending him off to my mother.

With my niece, I don't understand it. She's a very laid back, calm child. She also has a father that's involved in her life and lives with her.

Her grandfather lives in the same village, but not in the same house.

I think the official reason why she's being sent to her granddad every single weekend is because "he loves her so much".

I think a lot of it also has to do with it being convenient for my sister to have child free weekends.

Show quote history

Have you ever said anything to her about it? It sounds like your sister isn't very maternal.... I'm glad your niece and nephew have stable loving grandparents

The way you described your mum living upstairs but in the same house, are you in the UK?

NoMoreNaps · 25/04/2024 19:50

Jesus I’ve heard it all now.
Unless you know this man and have seen be inappropriate towards your niece then mind your own.

This is the type of attitude that destroys families and friendships. I had a fantastic relationship with my grandparents and ended up living with them from the age of 9, my grandad would often take me away for the weekend, just us or with my cousin.
He would also very often come and pick each one of us up from school on a Friday and take us to France or Spain for the weekend and have traveled all over world, which I am eternally grateful for.

It’s sickening to think that people may have thought that about him, he was and still is the happiest when we are all around him and if he was still able to he would still be off around the world with all of his great-grandchildren too.

Shocking!

Needanewname42 · 25/04/2024 20:00

I'm finding ALL of it very strange.

The parents not wanting to have any time with their child.
The Granddad wanting the child or having the child dumped on them every single weekend.

Someone asked about swapping the genders around boy staying with granny all weekend - I'd still find that weird.

Grandparents are either young enough to still be working so little down time.
Or pushing 70 and getting tired.

Op I'm also going to ask does the child ever show odd behaviour?

It's a weird set up, good reasons or bad something isn't right in either the child's own house or the Granddads house.

Needanewname42 · 25/04/2024 20:02

@NoMoreNaps can you see the difference between occasional trips and being sole carer for a small child all weekend every weekend?

Boydd · 25/04/2024 20:05

My loviest memories was spending summer holidays with my grandad. He was such a lovely man and I was so safe with him. He would of been heartbroken if he felt that all his time given to his 13 grandchildren was misconstrued

Itradehorses · 25/04/2024 20:07

Unless there is a real reason for concern, and OP has given none, then it's a child care arrangement within a family and nothing more. Where will we be if everyone is under suspicion all the time. It seems to me the parents are being maligned as neglectful and the grandad a paedo for no good reason. These types of baseless allegation are really dangerous.

2boyzNosleep · 25/04/2024 20:36

I'm with OP that it's weird.

Not because a grandad is looking after his grandchild.

It's weird because:

They claim the reason is because he loves her so much, and it's for the entire weekend every weekend. If it were a grandmother in this story I'm sure people would say that the grandmother needs to maintain some space as its a bit bloody clingy to say the least.

I'm sorry, having been tainted by my work, this is could be a classic 'groom the parents' scenario by offering lots of childcare, loves the child so much, etc

It's also bloody weird that the parents think this is ok to not see their child at all at the weekend when they also work during the week.

If your sister is happy to cart her DS to his grandmother constantly, why on earth did she have another child to do the same with.

We all need some time to ourselves but I don't think you need the entire weekend every weekend to palm the kids off so you cam go to the gym, brunch, have a weekend getaway. It's not like either grandparent is doing this to help woth childcare whilst your sister & DP work or have the occasional social plans.

Do they actually spend any quality time with their own children? I feel sorry for them.

Give it another 5-10 years and your sister will be wondering why her teens don't talk to her, play up and have mental health problems.

Needanewname42 · 25/04/2024 20:41

Itradehorses · 25/04/2024 20:07

Unless there is a real reason for concern, and OP has given none, then it's a child care arrangement within a family and nothing more. Where will we be if everyone is under suspicion all the time. It seems to me the parents are being maligned as neglectful and the grandad a paedo for no good reason. These types of baseless allegation are really dangerous.

There are two concerns,
1, The parents aren't coping. Not bonding. Not wanting to spend any quality time with the child.
And Granddad is helping out.

2, Or Granddad forcing unrestricted access to the child.

Which ever it is it needs fixing something isn't right.
If it was the odd weekend or one night a week, I wouldn't think too much of it but most grandparents are at the lovely to have them, lovely to hand them back - especially at the 2/3 year old, into everything, very full on stage.

2boyzNosleep · 25/04/2024 20:44

Also, is it because the grandad loves her so much or is this what they tell people as am excuse to make themselves feel better?

You also said that the 8 yr old is close to his grandmother and that's why he wants to spend so much time with her. Did he actually say that himself? It's either another excuse your sister has said to guilt trip your mum into having him. Or he does like being there because he actually gets some 1:1 attention.

Do the DS & DS even have any time together? How are they meant to have a bond if they are in different places all the time

Itradehorses · 25/04/2024 20:45

@Needanewname42 and upon what evidence do you base your detailed conclusions. It's all just speculation based on the fact that a grandad looks after his granddaughter for two nights a week.

crumblingschools · 25/04/2024 20:50

@Itradehorses they also farm out the son to grandma as well, every weekend. The only 2 days they don't work. If they can afford to gallivant off many weekends in a year, they could cut back on them, have a cleaner so they don't have to spend so much time doing housework and spend more time with the DC

What do they do in school holidays @nb2023

Needanewname42 · 25/04/2024 20:54

@Itradehorses
Spin that round.
Do you think it's normal never to have a full day with your very young child?