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Original poster

Another wedding one ...

275 replies

what2dooooooo · 16/04/2024 11:40

My husband's niece is getting married and they've said no children at the wedding. I totally get this and it's their choice.

As the wedding is a number of hours drive from where her family live, and most of those who have been invited (cousins) have young children, they can't attend as they can't get overnight child care. It's also an early start so guests need to be away from home for two nights.

Everyone is sad they can't attend, but the bride is hurt and upset.

Is this to be expected?

OP posts:
Gettingonmygoat · 20/04/2024 10:27

If she didn't foresee the issues people would have then she isn't that smart. You reap what you sow.

AnonoMisss · 20/04/2024 10:27

MsLuxLisbon · 20/04/2024 09:53

Why should they?

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Why shouldn't they?

SpringOfContentment · 20/04/2024 10:28

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2024 10:25

How about the cost of having to stay?

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Well, it would cost more for both parents plus kids to stay! Cost is totally different question to having kids invited or not!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
AnonoMisss · 20/04/2024 10:28

RampantIvy · 20/04/2024 09:52

Was it a destination wedding @AnonoMisss?

It wasn’t

sewingstockings · 20/04/2024 10:28

Tbry24 · 18/04/2024 22:56

Im seeing this differently than others and I think it’s really sad that the bride (and groom) are upset actually. If it’s mainly cousins invited why can’t other members of the family babysit the children, or the other side of the family babysit? I hope they have a lovely day and that the bride does have at least some of her family and friends there as all brides deserve that on their special day.

My perspective is that I am the other end of the country to my family and friends and we’ve postponed our wedding indefinitely as everyone made it clear we are not important and they won’t come, we would have invited children so it’s not that. It made us both feel really upset as we get engaged, let close family and friends know and every single person makes it clear they don’t want to attend. My mother also told me I’m not to inform the wider family that we are engaged ….so I ignored her and sent a little letter to everyone letting them know, I had really hoped for a simple engagement party like the one I know my parents had which my grandparents organised for them.

We’ve been to all of the siblings, cousins and friends weddings and not one person has even asked us about our wedding plans in 18 months now, we were busy saving up so no one actually knows we’ve postponed (another peeve as my siblings had their huge weddings all paid for in full). so I hope the bride and groom are not feeling as disheartened as we are.

I only had my mum that could watch my kids overnight. If she was going to the wedding I had no babysitter. Other side of family were too old or disabled to do it. There is also the fact a wedding at a distance means travel costs, hotel stays etc. Perhaps having to use a days annual leave. If you have children you might not be able to afford to pay for all that.
It’s not a matter of importance, it’s the financial pressure people can’t afford it. Also have to jump through your hoops to find childcare.
If they were so important to you you would have a wedding close to your family and allow kids to come.

Brefugee · 20/04/2024 10:29

AnonoMisss · 20/04/2024 09:43

Ah the entitled parent who thinks the world revolves around their reproductive choices...

I had a child free wedding, everyone came it was amazing! No screaming kids during the vows, no running around at the reception etc

Bliss!

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Except that many of those invited have turned it down. So - meh.

Conniebygaslight · 20/04/2024 10:29

Drives me mad, by all means have the wedding you want but to expect people to accommodate is completely unfair. My sister got married in vegas 20 years ago when I had toddlers and a baby. I really didn’t want to leave my children at home with and fly to America. She hasn’t spoken to me since. I’d previously got married overseas and she’d come to my wedding (she has never had children) so thought I should reciprocate. I think that people who have never had children are completely different to those who have to be honest.

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2024 10:29

theeyeofdoe · 19/04/2024 07:15

Weddings with small children are shit for everyone though.

I'd much rather go to a wedding with fewer people than have lots of crying over tired bored children there. We were cajoled into bringing ours twice and both times regretted it - kids were bored after an hour and I then had to entertain them, rather than just enjoying it.

We must have had 20 under-10s at one of my DC's wedding. Mixture of family and friends

There was no screaming through the ceremony
There was no bad behaviour at the meal
They had a whale of a time dancing at the reception
Then they quietly conked out in corners/were taken home/ laid in pushchairs

Maybe we were just lucky but it was a beautiful day

So not everyone would agree with you

silentassassin · 20/04/2024 10:29

Gettingonmygoat · 20/04/2024 10:27

If she didn't foresee the issues people would have then she isn't that smart. You reap what you sow.

Ultimately its this isnt it? you'd have to be really stupid to not get that if you have a certain type of wedding not everyone will be able to go. That doesnt mean you cant have the wedding of your dreams but you definitely cant whine about the consequences lol

RainIsCosy · 20/04/2024 10:31

Crazycrazylady · 20/04/2024 09:23

Honestly what I don't understands is why all the cousins don't just go and leave their partners are home. I'd love a knees up with my cousins reminiscing over our childhood.
I actually think it's pretty crap that people aren't willing to make an effort.

My partner would have had no success breastfeeding for the 24 hours required (wrong equipment) and I couldn't express, so...

AnonoMisss · 20/04/2024 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Willmafrockfit · 20/04/2024 10:32

AnonoMisss · 20/04/2024 10:25

What on earth is wrong with people not understanding not everyone wants to be around children?

The entitlement that everyone should share your view is off the chain.

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chain?

no, i am interested to know what is wrong with children at a wedding?
you are touchy, so i presume you didnt want children at your wedding.

i am just interested in why. its just a meal and a dance surely, after the ceremony

beyourownchampion · 20/04/2024 10:33

For every action there’s a reaction. Bride needs to get over it, she’s caused this with her choice to have a child free wedding! Suck it up buttercup!

theholesinmyapologies · 20/04/2024 10:33

ZenNudist · 20/04/2024 08:27

I got invited to a childfree wedding abroad. Had a great time. Took family with us to look after dc, booked a hideously expensive villa for all of us, and a separate hotel on the night of the wedding. When we walked out onto this beautiful terrace, which was all blue sea and sky in the background, we knew why they had chosen such an inconvenient and expensive location. They also had lovely food in a fab restaurant.

I think it's a shame if family are punishing B&G for having a child free wedding. I've always managed to make them work. So if all of DH's side have been at the wedding, then my family have babysat, etc. It's surprising given enough notice, and if it's UK, that people wouldn't try and go. As long as a lovely venue and nice hospitality are chosen, it will be a memory for life for everyone.

A huge percentage of people would not be able to afford that.

Others may not want to use up their precious holiday time that way, going to a 'designated wedding place of someone else's choice' for X days, especially if their children are young and they need time off for family holiday, childcare, sick days, etc.

RampantIvy · 20/04/2024 10:42

There are too many tone deaf posters on this thread.

  1. Lots of people can't afford to go to a destination wedding.
  2. Lots of people don't have overnight childcare - just telling somene to magic a trusted babysitter from an availability of 0 isn't possible.
  3. A mother can't leave a breastfed baby for 24 hours if they won't take a bottle.
WappityWabbit · 20/04/2024 10:44

Anabella321 · 18/04/2024 19:53

If it's mostly cousins can't one or two of their non-related spouses mind the children overnight? Or the parents/family of the spouse? Maybe attend part of the day if 2 nights away is too much?

Or can't the cousins attend and their spouses mind their own children? Seems a bit much that so many can't attend.

Edited

Why? Maybe it’s because they’d prefer to spend time with their family than attending another Bridezilla type wedding? Honestly, that’s not a difficult decision at all.

I’m attending a wedding later today as a friend of the Brides mum and the young bride is one of the nicest people on the planet and she’s the total opposite of an entitled twit.
She and her mum (and mil) have focussed on making things nice for the guests rather than all the pointless superficial stuff.

There will be lots of children there and I guarantee that everyone will have a great time and leave with lots of wonderful memories of the occasion.

Her MIL to be is very ill and the Bride wants her to enjoy it as the next time the family will get together will be at her MIL’s funeral.

AnonoMisss · 20/04/2024 10:46

Willmafrockfit · 20/04/2024 10:32

chain?

no, i am interested to know what is wrong with children at a wedding?
you are touchy, so i presume you didnt want children at your wedding.

i am just interested in why. its just a meal and a dance surely, after the ceremony

Show quote history

Yes I had a child free wedding, it was amazing, gave plenty of notice and everyone came - no regrets!

LlynTegid · 20/04/2024 10:48

Their choice, they should have expected some people to decline. I hope that is not an indication that they have unrealistic expectations of parenthood, should they have children.

Notreat · 20/04/2024 10:52

Of course they should expect people with children to turn down invitations in those circumstances.
The Bride shouldn't be angry or upset. Her choice to have a child free wedding, if that is what is important to them they should realise many people with children won't be able to attend.

RampantIvy · 20/04/2024 10:52

She and her mum (and mil) have focussed on making things nice for the guests rather than all the pointless superficial stuff.

She sounds lovely, and this ^^ is IMO what a wedding should be about. I hope her MIL enjoys the day.

Anabella321 · 20/04/2024 10:54

WappityWabbit · 20/04/2024 10:44

Why? Maybe it’s because they’d prefer to spend time with their family than attending another Bridezilla type wedding? Honestly, that’s not a difficult decision at all.

I’m attending a wedding later today as a friend of the Brides mum and the young bride is one of the nicest people on the planet and she’s the total opposite of an entitled twit.
She and her mum (and mil) have focussed on making things nice for the guests rather than all the pointless superficial stuff.

There will be lots of children there and I guarantee that everyone will have a great time and leave with lots of wonderful memories of the occasion.

Her MIL to be is very ill and the Bride wants her to enjoy it as the next time the family will get together will be at her MIL’s funeral.

Edited
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Some people like going to family weddings. That's why?

Geebray · 20/04/2024 10:57

Everyone is sad they can't attend, but the bride is hurt and upset.

Then the bride is an idiot.

Really, what's one crying toddler versus many of your family not being able to attend?!

I bet she thinks they should all be paying out for hotels and/or babysitters, just to please her idea of her perfect wedding...

Annio82 · 20/04/2024 10:58

godmum56 · 18/04/2024 22:19

I suspect that only some of it is "can't" I am betting that some of it is "choose not to but don't want to say so"

Edited
Show quote history

It doesn’t matter. Attendance at a wedding is not mandatory

NojudgementGem · 20/04/2024 10:59

We also have a similar situation where kids aren’t invited to a cousins wedding. The kids will probably stay home with their dad and I’ll go alone with my sister. I personally wouldn’t miss my cousins wedding for anything. It’s not ideal and it would be lovely to take our husbands but it is what it is. Is this an option for you?

Notreat · 20/04/2024 11:03

NewName24 · 19/04/2024 00:06

It's not clear what you mean when you say 'Is this to be expected?' Is it to be expected that people can't go and are sad - yes. Is it to be expected that the bride is hurt and upset....

Like @heldinadream said, I'm not sure what you are asking if it is to be expected or not.

I mean, yes, once you work out your numbers and guest list, you are going to feel a bit gutted if loads of people turn down the invitation.
However if the timings and logistics are making things difficult for people to attend, then you (as a couple) have kind of created the situation.
If it is the 'child free' part alone, and there are several cousins with young dc and no sitters, then why don't the cousins go and let their spouses look after the dc, rather than all missing the wedding ?

But why should they? There are all sorts of reasons why that isn't always easy.
A wedding invitation isn't a summons but some Brides and Grooms seem to think it is. It is an invitation, not inviting children and having the wedding in a area that means guests have to be away from home for two days means more people will quite reasonably turn down the invitation

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