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Original poster

Another wedding one ...

275 replies

what2dooooooo · 16/04/2024 11:40

My husband's niece is getting married and they've said no children at the wedding. I totally get this and it's their choice.

As the wedding is a number of hours drive from where her family live, and most of those who have been invited (cousins) have young children, they can't attend as they can't get overnight child care. It's also an early start so guests need to be away from home for two nights.

Everyone is sad they can't attend, but the bride is hurt and upset.

Is this to be expected?

OP posts:
AnonoMisss · 24/04/2024 11:41

Kateeeeuyyy · 21/04/2024 14:08

I've never been to a wedding without kids.

Most weddings I’ve been to, the kids have made the wedding by doing or saying something hilarious. If they’re part of the family too, surely they deserve to celebrate ?

But I also have to add that the weddings I’ve been to have made some effort to include or entertain the kids . One had a colouring station, another had a park on the grounds, one had someone making balloon animals. Plus, all the adults attending made an effort with the kids to keep them entertained and involve them. Surely that’s easier than everyone getting babysitters ?

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Thats your expeirence, every wedding Ive been too kids have screamed and cried through the vows.

Hence why I made mine kid free.

Best decision I ever made.

AnonoMisss · 24/04/2024 11:45

HideTheCroissants · 20/04/2024 11:59

All but one of the weddings I’ve been to have had children at them. And yet - no screaming during the vows and no running around during the reception.

The wedding which was child free had quite a lot of “where’s [various cousins] husband/wife?” The groom’s grandmother was quite elderly and thought that some of her great nieces & nephews had maybe split without her knowing and it had to be explained to her that they were looking after the children. Her response “Well who wouldn’t bring their children to a family wedding?” I was a friend of the bride and DH a friend of the groom so I attended the service and the meal then went home and took over childcare, DH went to the evening reception. Fortunately it was local.
🤷‍♀️

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Great for the people whose weddings it was.

Every single wedding I had been to had screaming kids.

Why else do you genuinly think that people would even consider kid free weddings? Seriously, if every wedding I had been to had well behaved, quiet children just being cute and no screaming during the vows do you think I would have thought 'oh god no children'?

Vod · 24/04/2024 11:45

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 11:25

I don’t think the OP said anyone is ‘kicking off’. She can still be disappointed of someone can’t attend (for any reason).

@WhatNoRaisins It is clear from similar MN threads and comments that many parents just take objection to their dc not being invited, and don’t attend out of some kind of principal. I don’t think this is the case here and no one is kicking off

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For those who actually can get childcare, I'm not sure how far it's possible to draw a clear line between not attending out of principle and not attending because you don't think it's worth the expense/annual leave/effort/all of the above.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 12:02

Vod · 24/04/2024 11:45

For those who actually can get childcare, I'm not sure how far it's possible to draw a clear line between not attending out of principle and not attending because you don't think it's worth the expense/annual leave/effort/all of the above.

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The line is those who comment on MN actually saying they just wouldn’t attend. Using phrases such as ‘wouldn’t bother’ or ‘too much hassle’. I’d really rather not have people like that attend anyway.

I go out of my way to attend events for my friends and family. Not because it’s important to me, because it’s important to them and I care about them. I absolutely want my loved ones to feel special on their big day, it brings me joy to know I’ve been a part of that.

Vod · 24/04/2024 12:10

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 12:02

The line is those who comment on MN actually saying they just wouldn’t attend. Using phrases such as ‘wouldn’t bother’ or ‘too much hassle’. I’d really rather not have people like that attend anyway.

I go out of my way to attend events for my friends and family. Not because it’s important to me, because it’s important to them and I care about them. I absolutely want my loved ones to feel special on their big day, it brings me joy to know I’ve been a part of that.

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Mmm, not sure it is. Too much hassle suggests they're making the decision based on the level of hassle, not principle.

swayingpalmtree · 24/04/2024 12:14

Are you so flabbergasted you could only read half the comment? As I said, it’s unfortunate if people don’t have support and can’t have a full social calendar when they have children. That’s the choice you make

I think you are misunderstanding - I DONT CARE if I have to miss a wedding. I accept that choice I made to have kids comes with responsibilities. The issue being discussed here and in the original post is the BRIDE and GROOM getting angry about it and moaning. Not the guests, the bride and groom. That is what I am referring to. They have no right to get pissy about people missing their wedding if they have no childcare- thats the entire point

fashionqueen1183 · 24/04/2024 12:27

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 10:57

Hardly what I’m saying. One of my parents died when I was 21. It’s a bit of a shame if people can’t attend events because of childcare, but that’s all it is - a bit of a shame.

It’s simply not the bride and grooms fault or responsibility. Everyone knows that having children means you can’t do everything else you’d like to.

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But this whole post is about the bride not being happy that these guests arent coming!
Whether the guests want to go or not isnt part of it. They may care or not care.🤷🏼‍♀️
The issue is that the OP said the bride is upset.

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 12:45

Vod · 24/04/2024 12:10

Mmm, not sure it is. Too much hassle suggests they're making the decision based on the level of hassle, not principle.

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The word used by the OP was ‘upset’ not ‘angry’ or ‘pissy’

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 12:47

fashionqueen1183 · 24/04/2024 12:27

But this whole post is about the bride not being happy that these guests arent coming!
Whether the guests want to go or not isnt part of it. They may care or not care.🤷🏼‍♀️
The issue is that the OP said the bride is upset.

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Yes they are upset, because it’s a shame the cousins can’t attend. At no point has the OP said they are kicking off about it. Of course they can be disappointed and upset that someone can’t attend. If they didn’t care they wouldn’t have invited them in the first place.

Vod · 24/04/2024 12:54

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 12:45

The word used by the OP was ‘upset’ not ‘angry’ or ‘pissy’

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Did you mean to quote me there?

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 13:08

Vod · 24/04/2024 12:54

Did you mean to quote me there?

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No sorry it was @swayingpalmtree

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2024 13:33

upthehills1 · 23/04/2024 15:44

How many cousins? I find it difficult to believe that not one of them can get childcare. If that’s the case, I do feel sorry for them. I know my family and parents would go out of their way to help in these situations.

My own parents travel a long way to my sisters to look after their children for things like this. Weddings are planned so far in advance, so I don’t think it’s an unrealistic expectation of couples that most people would be able to arrange childcare.

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Well as my mother died years before I got married it wouldn't have been possible for me...
And MiL died before I had my second child

CheapThrillsMeanNothing · 24/04/2024 13:38

Tbry24 · 18/04/2024 22:56

Im seeing this differently than others and I think it’s really sad that the bride (and groom) are upset actually. If it’s mainly cousins invited why can’t other members of the family babysit the children, or the other side of the family babysit? I hope they have a lovely day and that the bride does have at least some of her family and friends there as all brides deserve that on their special day.

My perspective is that I am the other end of the country to my family and friends and we’ve postponed our wedding indefinitely as everyone made it clear we are not important and they won’t come, we would have invited children so it’s not that. It made us both feel really upset as we get engaged, let close family and friends know and every single person makes it clear they don’t want to attend. My mother also told me I’m not to inform the wider family that we are engaged ….so I ignored her and sent a little letter to everyone letting them know, I had really hoped for a simple engagement party like the one I know my parents had which my grandparents organised for them.

We’ve been to all of the siblings, cousins and friends weddings and not one person has even asked us about our wedding plans in 18 months now, we were busy saving up so no one actually knows we’ve postponed (another peeve as my siblings had their huge weddings all paid for in full). so I hope the bride and groom are not feeling as disheartened as we are.

If your family aren't interested in your wedding, why don't you just book a small wedding with friends )and don't invite those family members). The important thing is the marriage ceremony, not the party.

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 13:50

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2024 13:33

Well as my mother died years before I got married it wouldn't have been possible for me...
And MiL died before I had my second child

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Yes everyone is in a different situation. My father died long before I got married. I did say ‘most’ and not ‘all’ can be realistically expected to be able to arrange childcare with a years notice. If they can’t or don’t want to, that’s up to them and the bride and groom shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for that

ToWhitToWhoo · 24/04/2024 14:48

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 11:05

Why is it the ‘bridezillas’ fault if you can’t attend their wedding due to childcare?

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It's not their fault that you can't attend. It's their fault if they impose a guilt trip on you for not being able to attend.

RampantIvy · 24/04/2024 14:56

ToWhitToWhoo · 24/04/2024 14:48

It's not their fault that you can't attend. It's their fault if they impose a guilt trip on you for not being able to attend.

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Quite.

fashionqueen1183 · 24/04/2024 15:00

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 12:47

Yes they are upset, because it’s a shame the cousins can’t attend. At no point has the OP said they are kicking off about it. Of course they can be disappointed and upset that someone can’t attend. If they didn’t care they wouldn’t have invited them in the first place.

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The OP asked was this to be expected. The answer is yes.

If you make it hard for someone to come you’re then wasting your time being hurt and upset about it. I’m not sure why the bride is feeling hurt! It’s not a personal attack.

There is a way to rectify it after all if she really wants them there.

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 15:02

ToWhitToWhoo · 24/04/2024 14:48

It's not their fault that you can't attend. It's their fault if they impose a guilt trip on you for not being able to attend.

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And vice versa when invited guests impose a guilt trip on the couple for not inviting their children they have barely met.

WhatNoRaisins · 24/04/2024 15:36

See if I really wanted someone at my wedding I wouldn't not invite their kids on the logic that I know many people won't have childcare for a weekend away. Even before I had kids I knew this.

Vod · 24/04/2024 15:42

I think if there's one thing this thread makes clear, it's that 'your wedding your rules' and 'invitation not a summons' don't always fit neatly together.

swayingpalmtree · 24/04/2024 16:08

Yes they are upset, because it’s a shame the cousins can’t attend. At no point has the OP said they are kicking off about it. Of course they can be disappointed and upset that someone can’t attend. If they didn’t care they wouldn’t have invited them in the first place

OK, upset then! The principle is exactly the same- there is no point getting "upset" if I cannot attend a child free wedding if I have no childcare is there? how is telling me they are upset doing anything except trying to impose a guilt trip??? You make a choice to have a childfree wedding - its entirely up to you, but you cannot then be upset if people cant come. Good grief- this is just common sense surely?

RampantIvy · 24/04/2024 16:58

This thread is going round in circles.

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 18:49

WhatNoRaisins · 24/04/2024 15:36

See if I really wanted someone at my wedding I wouldn't not invite their kids on the logic that I know many people won't have childcare for a weekend away. Even before I had kids I knew this.

I attended a small wedding recently. Only nieces and nephew invited. One friend couldn’t get childcare for their 2yo. The wedding was 30 minutes from where they live and save the dates were sent almost a year in advance. The bride and groom had met the child once.

The couple reluctantly agreed the child could attend. She was noisy during the ceremony and the didn’t take her out. Mum was not involved in the days celebrations as she spent all day and evening fussing over the child then left early. This was a small wedding so there were many people the couple didn’t invite but felt obliged in this case

ToWhitToWhoo · 24/04/2024 20:58

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 15:02

And vice versa when invited guests impose a guilt trip on the couple for not inviting their children they have barely met.

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Certainly. Huffiness over real or more often imagined slights is hurtful in either direction, and takes the enjoyment out of a wedding or other occasion.

T1Dmama · 24/04/2024 23:55

upthehills1 · 24/04/2024 15:02

And vice versa when invited guests impose a guilt trip on the couple for not inviting their children they have barely met.

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Since OP has said the cousins are more like siblings I’d presume they would know the children pretty well!
it also doesn't say anywhere that the cousins are making anyone feel guilty, they’ve merely stated facts by declining the invite and suing ‘sorry but we can’t get childcare for a whole weekend to attend!’….
The bride is obviously annoyed to verbalise how disappointed she is!…. If she was merely just a little disappointed or upset there wouldn’t be a thread… the fact there is suggests she’s annoyed and is moaning to OP

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