Another wedding one ...

[what2dooooooo]

My husband's niece is getting married and they've said no children at the wedding. I totally get this and it's their choice.

As the wedding is a number of hours drive from where her family live, and most of those who have been invited (cousins) have young children, they can't attend as they can't get overnight child care. It's also an early start so guests need to be away from home for two nights.

Everyone is sad they can't attend, but the bride is hurt and upset.

Is this to be expected?

You are assuming that all events except weddings are local

I'm not. I am stating the facts about why some people don't have childcare for a whole weekend.

It is just not the bride and groom’s responsibility

I'm not saying it is, but the lack of understanding from some posters and bridezillas about parents who don't have childcare for a whole weekend is just ridiculous.

It isn't rocket science to understand that if you want a child free wedding at a distant destination that not all parents of children can make it, and telling them that they aren't trying hard enough is just childish.

It’s unfortunate when people genuinely can’t go. Many just don’t attend to try to make some kind of point. As has been evident on many other MN posts and comments.

The weekend thing depends on a number of factors. The wedding itself is only one day, not a whole weekend. The issue is the distance, not the type of event

It is just not the bride and groom’s responsibility. It’s unfortunate that some people can’t attend, but it’s due to their own life choices

No, it isnt their "responsibility" but equally, not everyone has available childcare, I never did- I have no family whatsoever to help out- not even for a few hours, and neither does my husband. I dont expect anyone else to take responsibility for that but they cannot then moan if I cant go can they? My life choice is I chose to have kids, they are my responsibility and if it means missing a wedding then I'll miss it. There is no point in the bride and groom moaning at me about it if I have noone to help me is there?!

The issue is not that they choose to have a child free wedding- they can do whatever they want, the issue is them then complaining that people arent going.

To be honest I wouldn’t even attempt to go as I hate leaving my children for days . If people impose this sort of stuff they should be cow t some won’t go

I think most people accept when they have kids it's going to limit your social life and freedom. You sometimes have to miss out on things. It's not always a big deal unless the bride and groom are complaining about it.

If someone’s parents are dead or ill , or live abroad or perhaps hours away, then going out of their way isn’t possible…

At the end of the day they made a choice to get married miles from where everyone lives, then make it even harder to attend by excluding kids…
People can’t have these events and expect others to fork out hundreds for transport, overnight stays plus childcare… how much do people think is reasonable for others to have to spend and be inconvenienced to attend their wedding?!? Hen dos too… why does everyone suddenly think it’s reasonable to have these big expensive dos that are going to cost guests hundreds of pounds? Plus expect their bill to be covered!!!
I find it all very entitled … The wedding is supposed to be about two people marrying… not putting on some big show!

My parents certainly wouldn't travel a long way to watch my kids. In fact, when the topic did come up and the couple insisted my parents could watch our children so we could come to their wedding, my mother got annoyed at the assumption she would drop everything to babysit and the assumption that she was even available at all that day. No other family to call on that weren't at the wedding. So we didn't go and the bride was upset with us. Oh well.

I don't go to hen dos or birthday parties without nursing young babies either.

My own parents travel a long way to my sisters to look after their children for things like this

My parents are dead. So no, not all parents are able to travel. HTH

even with a relatively local one it can be difficult- my sister wanted no children but then proceeded to invite my in-laws to the wedding as well as obviously my side of the family - meaning i had no family childcare for a 5 year old and a three year old. ended up asking a friend who very kindly had them all day and overnight - which was amazing of her as she had 2 young children of her own - i was honestly flabbergasted at what she expected me to do with them from 10am to midnight.

I can’t imagine not wanting my own nieces and nephews at my wedding! One of my highlights was my little niece being a flower girl.

Apparently we aren’t trying hard enough to go to peoples weddings if we don’t bring back to life our dead parents now.

hehe! I know right- I am just flabbergasted that people think that just because their parents do something, that must mean everyone's parents do the same!

Even if people's parents arent dead there is no guarantee they'd be willing to help anyway (or they could be old, ill, live too far away etc)

Hardly what I’m saying. One of my parents died when I was 21. It’s a bit of a shame if people can’t attend events because of childcare, but that’s all it is - a bit of a shame.

It’s simply not the bride and grooms fault or responsibility. Everyone knows that having children means you can’t do everything else you’d like to.

Are you so flabbergasted you could only read half the comment? As I said, it’s unfortunate if people don’t have support and can’t have a full social calendar when they have children. That’s the choice you make

Except for bridezillas.

Why is it the ‘bridezillas’ fault if you can’t attend their wedding due to childcare?

I think the issue is the wedding couple kicking off at the non-attending parents because they refuse to believe that they can't get childcare.

What the husbands doing? Why are they unable to be childcare at the least allowing wives to go?

It isn't the bridezilla's fault, but she shouldn't be kicking off if some can't get childcare. You misunderstand me.

Basically, what @WhatNoRaisins said above

Maybe the mum doesn't drive?
Maybe she won't know anyone else there?
Maybe the dad is useless?
Maybe she just doesn't want to go without her partner?

Someone else's wedding won't always be the biggest event of the year for all the guests. Whilst I would try to be tactful and diplomatic the fact is that there is only so much bother I'm going to for a cousin or uni friend that I've barely seen in the last 10 years.

I have limited help from relatives so when I do call on it is either urgent or something I really want to do, not a wedding I'm not that fussed about.

I don’t think the OP said anyone is ‘kicking off’. She can still be disappointed of someone can’t attend (for any reason).

@WhatNoRaisins It is clear from similar MN threads and comments that many parents just take objection to their dc not being invited, and don’t attend out of some kind of principal. I don’t think this is the case here and no one is kicking off

That’s fair enough. And from their perspective - if they haven’t seen you for 10 years, they obviously barely know your children and therefore don’t want them at their wedding

The principle thing is definitely a big deal for some people. Personally I wouldn't refuse out of the principle that I think kids should always be invited but I would if the invitation used the phrase "let your hair down" 😁