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Original poster

Another wedding one ...

275 replies

what2dooooooo · 16/04/2024 11:40

My husband's niece is getting married and they've said no children at the wedding. I totally get this and it's their choice.

As the wedding is a number of hours drive from where her family live, and most of those who have been invited (cousins) have young children, they can't attend as they can't get overnight child care. It's also an early start so guests need to be away from home for two nights.

Everyone is sad they can't attend, but the bride is hurt and upset.

Is this to be expected?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 18/04/2024 22:17

TheNoodlesIncident · 18/04/2024 19:44

Did you point out to them that that was what they did too? And if not, how have you resisted?!

Show quote history

hahahahahaha

godmum56 · 18/04/2024 22:19

Anabella321 · 18/04/2024 19:53

If it's mostly cousins can't one or two of their non-related spouses mind the children overnight? Or the parents/family of the spouse? Maybe attend part of the day if 2 nights away is too much?

Or can't the cousins attend and their spouses mind their own children? Seems a bit much that so many can't attend.

Edited

I suspect that only some of it is "can't" I am betting that some of it is "choose not to but don't want to say so"

itsmylife7 · 18/04/2024 22:23

Well done for not saying anything to the bride . Id have to 😷 my mouth
Honestly, don't people have any common sense ?

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Weddings
Tbry24 · 18/04/2024 22:56

Im seeing this differently than others and I think it’s really sad that the bride (and groom) are upset actually. If it’s mainly cousins invited why can’t other members of the family babysit the children, or the other side of the family babysit? I hope they have a lovely day and that the bride does have at least some of her family and friends there as all brides deserve that on their special day.

My perspective is that I am the other end of the country to my family and friends and we’ve postponed our wedding indefinitely as everyone made it clear we are not important and they won’t come, we would have invited children so it’s not that. It made us both feel really upset as we get engaged, let close family and friends know and every single person makes it clear they don’t want to attend. My mother also told me I’m not to inform the wider family that we are engaged ….so I ignored her and sent a little letter to everyone letting them know, I had really hoped for a simple engagement party like the one I know my parents had which my grandparents organised for them.

We’ve been to all of the siblings, cousins and friends weddings and not one person has even asked us about our wedding plans in 18 months now, we were busy saving up so no one actually knows we’ve postponed (another peeve as my siblings had their huge weddings all paid for in full). so I hope the bride and groom are not feeling as disheartened as we are.

Anonymous2025 · 18/04/2024 23:33

We are getting married in a few months and apart from older generations everyone has kids , if we said no to kids half wouldn’t who’ve come so we have 20 under 18 s in 100 guests and we are absolutely fine with it . Bride had no right to be upset with anyone

Anonymous2025 · 18/04/2024 23:35

Tbry24 · 18/04/2024 22:56

Im seeing this differently than others and I think it’s really sad that the bride (and groom) are upset actually. If it’s mainly cousins invited why can’t other members of the family babysit the children, or the other side of the family babysit? I hope they have a lovely day and that the bride does have at least some of her family and friends there as all brides deserve that on their special day.

My perspective is that I am the other end of the country to my family and friends and we’ve postponed our wedding indefinitely as everyone made it clear we are not important and they won’t come, we would have invited children so it’s not that. It made us both feel really upset as we get engaged, let close family and friends know and every single person makes it clear they don’t want to attend. My mother also told me I’m not to inform the wider family that we are engaged ….so I ignored her and sent a little letter to everyone letting them know, I had really hoped for a simple engagement party like the one I know my parents had which my grandparents organised for them.

We’ve been to all of the siblings, cousins and friends weddings and not one person has even asked us about our wedding plans in 18 months now, we were busy saving up so no one actually knows we’ve postponed (another peeve as my siblings had their huge weddings all paid for in full). so I hope the bride and groom are not feeling as disheartened as we are.

Have you announced a date ? I’m sure people will ask you then .

Marchintospring · 18/04/2024 23:43

A wedding is a massive logistical event. Most couples gave fuck all experience in logistical events and go with what seems to be the norm.
Unfortunately weddings are now an industry and couples soon find out that huge amounts of money and number of guests are linked. But only by the time they have booked a venue and food do they know the cost and then invites get restricted.

Unless they are on wedding number three I would cut them some slack.

NewName24 · 19/04/2024 00:02

A wedding is a massive logistical event. Most couples gave fuck all experience in logistical events and go with what seems to be the norm.

I get what you are saying, but surely most couples will have parents, or other, more experienced friends or family involved to some extent - just as a sounding board ?
Long before actual wedding planning, my adult dc have been involved in chats about the pros and cons of different sorts of weddings - either if someone is going to a wedding of a friend or after we all went to a wedding as a family, or maybe when there's been something on a film or the TV. Even without a partner, they've been heard to say "When I get married I....."

NewName24 · 19/04/2024 00:06

It's not clear what you mean when you say 'Is this to be expected?' Is it to be expected that people can't go and are sad - yes. Is it to be expected that the bride is hurt and upset....

Like @heldinadream said, I'm not sure what you are asking if it is to be expected or not.

I mean, yes, once you work out your numbers and guest list, you are going to feel a bit gutted if loads of people turn down the invitation.
However if the timings and logistics are making things difficult for people to attend, then you (as a couple) have kind of created the situation.
If it is the 'child free' part alone, and there are several cousins with young dc and no sitters, then why don't the cousins go and let their spouses look after the dc, rather than all missing the wedding ?

Padz · 19/04/2024 05:55

Like you said absolutely her choice but if and when she becomes a parent she will understand that her children will come first hence people not attending her wedding.

WaitingfortheTardis · 19/04/2024 06:05

It's a shame she's feeling hurt about it, but it's just one of those things if she wants adults only. I think it's fair enough to want that, but I personally wouldn't go to a wedding without dd.

TubeScreamer · 19/04/2024 06:49

If that bride is that hurt and upset she could rethink her decision.

I assume she doesn’t have children.

RampantIvy · 19/04/2024 06:59

Is it a destination wedding or do the couple happen to live a long way from the rest of the family?

If the former then they need to work out what is more important to them - an Instagram worthy backdrop or the people they love to attend. If the latter why not get married closer to where all the guests live to make it easier for them to attend.

theeyeofdoe · 19/04/2024 07:15

Weddings with small children are shit for everyone though.

I'd much rather go to a wedding with fewer people than have lots of crying over tired bored children there. We were cajoled into bringing ours twice and both times regretted it - kids were bored after an hour and I then had to entertain them, rather than just enjoying it.

CatamaranViper · 19/04/2024 07:28

NewName24 · 19/04/2024 00:02

A wedding is a massive logistical event. Most couples gave fuck all experience in logistical events and go with what seems to be the norm.

I get what you are saying, but surely most couples will have parents, or other, more experienced friends or family involved to some extent - just as a sounding board ?
Long before actual wedding planning, my adult dc have been involved in chats about the pros and cons of different sorts of weddings - either if someone is going to a wedding of a friend or after we all went to a wedding as a family, or maybe when there's been something on a film or the TV. Even without a partner, they've been heard to say "When I get married I....."

Yes but I'd say about 90% of the time, if there is a bridezilla then there is also an MOB/FOB Kong too.
They're worse because often they're a lot more subtle in ensuring they get their way. They lead their inexperienced young into making decisions to suit them.
I say this as a former wedding manager.

MeridaBrave · 19/04/2024 08:04

If she wanted people with small kids to come she should have discussed what would work. If it’s particularly challenging then of course it’s too hard. A consequence of a child free wedding is that some adult guests can’t come. 2 nights away is particularly difficult.

Could have found compromise, eg children welcome in the day, but no children under a certain age at the evening dinner, and she could have sourced local babysitters.

Snugglemonkey · 19/04/2024 08:14

Anabella321 · 18/04/2024 19:53

If it's mostly cousins can't one or two of their non-related spouses mind the children overnight? Or the parents/family of the spouse? Maybe attend part of the day if 2 nights away is too much?

Or can't the cousins attend and their spouses mind their own children? Seems a bit much that so many can't attend.

Edited

Why would people jump through hoops? I just automatically refuse wedding invitations that don't include dc. Especially if it is family, people need to realise that they are shutting down childcare options.

Anabella321 · 19/04/2024 08:16

Snugglemonkey · 19/04/2024 08:14

Why would people jump through hoops? I just automatically refuse wedding invitations that don't include dc. Especially if it is family, people need to realise that they are shutting down childcare options.

Show quote history

I mean it's organising a babysitter...not a major hoop in my opinion.

Where I live children are always excluded from weddings unless they are very close family. Everyone manages to book childcare and attend without any fuss or upset.

elevens24 · 19/04/2024 08:24

Where I am children are usually excluded unless immediate family- nieces/ nephews. My family is too big to be inviting cousins children etc.

Nobody I know has ever had an issue getting the child minded by a friend or family on the other side of the family.

RampantIvy · 19/04/2024 08:30

Weddings with small children are shit for everyone though.

In your opinion @theeyeofdoe.

When DD was little we knew no-one who could have babysat for us. We had recently moved to the area (and lived hundreds of miles away from family), and were quite isolated. If either of us was invited to something only one of us would go so that the other could look after DD.

The assumption on here that babysitters can be found easily is very misplaced.

Snugglemonkey · 19/04/2024 10:42

Anabella321 · 19/04/2024 08:16

I mean it's organising a babysitter...not a major hoop in my opinion.

Where I live children are always excluded from weddings unless they are very close family. Everyone manages to book childcare and attend without any fuss or upset.

Show quote history

I would not leave my children with a random babysitter.

But actually, you said about people leaving the children with non related spouses, or going on their own. I think that going away for 2 nights without my children is jumping through massive hoops.

I would not spend money from our family budget on 2 nights in a hotel and a wedding I would not want to go to alone.

I think people need to consider what they are asking of their guests before they get annoyed about people refusing.

LlamaLoopy · 19/04/2024 19:30

We had this and arranged for all the ‘blood’ cousins to go - husbands, wife’s and partners stayed home with the kids.
i had a great day with all my cousins that wedding 😁

Beachwaves127 · 19/04/2024 19:35

Completely fine to do a wedding with no kids. Completely not fine for bride to then be upset if parents can’t come.

NewName24 · 19/04/2024 22:06

Snugglemonkey · 19/04/2024 08:14

Why would people jump through hoops? I just automatically refuse wedding invitations that don't include dc. Especially if it is family, people need to realise that they are shutting down childcare options.

Show quote history

How is going to something with your cousins "jumping through hoops" ? Confused

Logistically, when my dc were small, going to a wedding without dh and dc would have been FAR easier than going with them.

If people don't want to go, then say so, but you can't seriously say it is easier to travel with 2 or 3 small dc, than on your own.

Snugglemonkey · 19/04/2024 22:22

NewName24 · 19/04/2024 22:06

How is going to something with your cousins "jumping through hoops" ? Confused

Logistically, when my dc were small, going to a wedding without dh and dc would have been FAR easier than going with them.

If people don't want to go, then say so, but you can't seriously say it is easier to travel with 2 or 3 small dc, than on your own.

Show quote history

There is nothing easy about leaving 2 or 3 small breastfed children. I have found going out for an evening difficult. No way would I be interested in actually going away.