Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

this would piss me off massively. Its one thing to not invite/evening guest somebody (costs/space/drifting apart on their side) its another thing to have them spend money on your hens ect. & obviously overhear wedding plans when she couldnt even be arsed to invite you formally but to wait & see if youd even notice no invite turning up.

I'd be honest, RSVP no to the invite & tell her you beleive its an oversight (forgot to include you on the original invites/didn't want you there)
& you dont want to waste more time or money on it.

Nobody has a responsibility to invite people they know or have been close to in the past but she should have known better then to have you around during the planning then fob you off with an evening invite

My husband has been to abroad stag dos and people there have only been evening invites.. he’s even been to one where he wasn’t invited to the wedding at all! 😂 Men are different though!
Id be miffed. I definitely wouldn’t question it, she has had your name on a piece of paper with a question mark and had a decision to make. If I was her I wouldn’t have invited anyone to my hen who wasn’t going to be at the whole wedding, unless it was a really small family wedding. I don’t know whether I’d not go as people are suggesting, although the problem with going is you have the expense of an outfit, present and spending money still to come. She knows you’re obviously available that day now though. I’d certainly be moving her off my close friends list

Indeed! That's why I said bizarrely. Her parents were an odd couple and she has become odder over the last twenty years. They are very wealthy pensioners and, she in particular, buy things they don't need and probably will never use. The house is absolutely stacked and only one bedroom (they have four), one bathroom (they have two), the kitchen and the sitting room are useable. They spend most days catching up with people (not me) over coffee or doing lunch. I suspect it came from her as about thirty years ago one of my relatives told her she was a hypochondriac (all her health problems are weight related - Type 2 diabetes and knee/hip joints). As they say" There's nowt as queer as folk"!

This!
@Stickyricepudding the burn of an Argos voucher is perfection haha!

I'd also decline the wedding invitation. And consider pulling out of the hen. What a witch.

Just get your £250 back and move on. There is more to life.

I appreciate this is a long thread but you don't have to read it all to see the hen do has happened. It's right there in the very first post...

A week or so after the hen do

I’d be well hacked off having spent £250 on the hen do, that is not small change. Possibly OP was invited to boost numbers/further split costs/make the bride look popular? I too think that going to the hen do is normally followed by an invitation to the full event.

Pretty disgraceful the way OP was treated in a time of crisis.

I don’t think she’s invited to the evening do, I would definitely not go, fuck her, OP.

How weird to be invited to the hen not the main part of the wedding!
I’d be confused for sure.
You dont speak warmly of her or sound that close. Perhaps you give more weighting to history on friendships than her.?

She DEFO needs to send wedding invites before hen invites. Very poor etiquette on her part.
Then it gives you the option to plan your finances accordingly. Not everyone can afford everything and they need to know the cost of being at the wedding.
likewise if you’re only an evening guest then you have the opportunity to decline the hen or just go to part of it

The point that a lot of people are missing here is the order of sending out the invites. Wedding invites BEFORE hen invites.

I would definitely not go and just cool this friendship for now..something isn't right if.you were invited to the hen. You are right to be annoyed.

Is there an update? Are you planing to go?

Tbh just reading the news and nothing seems so important now only the worry of ww3 all other problems such as do I go to an evening do do even matter

Am not sure "AIBU" is the right place for you with that view...🙄

No sorry I'm just really worried sorry

This “drinks only” doesn’t happen where I’m from. It really a weirdly maybe only British cheap cop-out for those hosting.
in my opinion,
your a full guest, or not invited. “ Drinks only” is a pathetic invite.
The bride thinks she gets to feel good, whilst being rude. We see what you’re doing bride-face … you are being super cheap and super rude. Can’t have & keep friends by making an invite of drinks-only. Better if you tell those friends that you can’t afford to invite them. They will respect you more.

I wouldn’t be offended. I have known multiple cases of people not getting invited and feeling hurt including the best man’s wife not being invited, she was a close friend of the group but there “was no room” (quite a big wedding though). But think the couple were genuine and you just don’t know how much pressure there is to invite great aunt Mavis and all your cousins etc. couples get forced to cut back somewhere. I think your friend obviously wants to include you as much as possible because she’s invited you to everything else, this is probably just a financial decision don’t be offended, go in the evening and have a good time xxx

I don't really subscribed to the 'being the bigger person' philosophy when it comes to friendship. Sometimes it smacks of just being a doormat if someone keeps showing you you're less important to them. I've never regretted culling those people who treated me like that in the past. Being constantly made to feel you're not important by a person you care about is terrible for your self esteem. Some friends who aren't actively thoughtless but just put me below other friends still remain friends but I would be less likely to put myself out for them.

The OP has been there for her friend when she needed it but she hasn't reciprocated in the past by making the OP's traumatic experience of abuse about her (who would expect someone who's dealing with that to message back promptly!). As for being single being an excuse to downgrade someone, I think that's absolutely appalling. I do wonder whether that's part of it though. Maybe she does prioritise people in relationships. I've heard that quite a lot. But it's not real friendship.

I’d be upset as well, if your close friends i’d expect to be invited to the ceremony as well and if she couldn’t she could have at least explained why. It seems like everyone else knew their type of invites early on so why did she leave yours so late? Usually i’d expect everyone to know at the same time (unless i got that wrong). if she is really a close friend i’d speak to her about it personally see what she says then decide from there what course of action to take. Otherwise you will just feel upset and holding into resentment with no explanation to her decision and that could ruin the friendship anyway.

Not going might be a bit harsh, I’d perhaps go even for a short while, leave early then perhaps you should demote her to an acquaintance.

Any update on what you plan to do, OP?

I don't really subscribed to the 'being the bigger person' philosophy when it comes to friendship

Me neither. If you are often having to be the bigger person and putting up with behaviour that makes you feel rubbish then thats not really a healthy friendship is it? As Mel Robbins says "If you always have to be the bigger person, maybe you should stop hanging around such small people".

I'd be upset as well. She wasn't much of a friend when you were going through the awful time with your ex partner and a new baby. Instead of having a strop because you didn't reply to messages immediately, why wasn't she a good friend bringing you food and offering help and a shoulder to lean on?

I don't know what I'd do about the evening invite to be honest. I'd be incredibly hurt knowing that you hadn't even received any kind of invite until you asked for the details.

I personally wouldn't go if you were close friends she would of invited you to the whole thing .Distance yourself as its will be on your mind for years. It's probably something that's happened in the past she's upset about. A similar thing happened to me it I was left me thinking I wasn't good enough so I never contacted her again and she never contacted me to ask why don't let this worry you .invites normally go out 6 weeks before the wedding .

And sorry, I hold people to a pretty high standard in terms of keeping in touch with each other fairly (it takes 2 after all) but even I’d be lenient and there for a friend like you who had gone through toxic hell, and apologised later.. that’s a more than reasonable reason for communication to be poor, and you’ve fully told her about it after not just given some lame excuse… unless she was going through something at the same time that she could have done with your help with, but is failing to tell you even now, then, you’ve done nothing wrong. She sounds like an ass.