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Original poster

Evening invite to friend’s wedding

402 replies

Loulou1902 · 10/04/2024 22:40

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

OP posts:
Michellebops · 10/04/2024 23:02

I wouldn't. It's her wedding, her choice.
You can't please everyone but equally trying to change her mind just looks petty.
I would reconsider the friendship if you feel that strongly or be happy you don't have to spend a further fortune on an all day event.
I wouldn't be giving too expensive a gift.

NewName24 · 10/04/2024 23:32

Yes you are being sensitive.
No, you shouldn't question her about it.
It was your choice to pay out £250 to go on a hen do.

Weddings are a ridiculous rip off now. Most people have to cut back the list of people they would have liked to invite, or, limit the numbers from the start.

You have been invited to the evening party. You can go, or you can decline, but AWBVU to criticise.

Haggisfish3 · 10/04/2024 23:34

I would feel the same op but also think I would chalk it up to experience and not view her as closely in future. And if it was going to cost a packet to go, I might not go at all tbh.

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Weddings
Zonder · 10/04/2024 23:36

I'd be a bit miffed. I can't understand why someone would consider you close enough to invite to the hen do (assuming it wasn't an enormous group) but not close enough to go to the actual wedding.

TeaKitten · 10/04/2024 23:38

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

I can understand being upset by it, it it would BU to ask for a coffee to talk about it. It’s her wedding and her choice.

minipie · 10/04/2024 23:40

I don’t see what having a coffee will achieve. It’s clear where you rank, coffee won’t change that. What you do with that is up to you.

I didn’t go to a wedding evening do I was invited to, not out of anger but it was going to be a long journey and not worth it just for an evening. You don’t have to go.

Saintmariesleuth · 11/04/2024 00:05

Completely understand that you feel hurt OP (and a bit miffed about the hen party)

However, she gets to choose the guest list and I would not confront or discuss the matter with her

If you think the hen party would be fun (sounds like other mutual friends are involved) and you can go afford then go. If not, politely make an excuse (that is nothing to do with the lack of day time invite)

Andylion · 11/04/2024 03:02

I think it’s weird that you were invited to her graduation and baby shower but not the whole day for her wedding.
I would be put out, but you can’t ask her about it.

lap90 · 11/04/2024 03:24

I wouldn't ask to meet for coffee, no.

You may wish to send regrets though, to avoid further expense.

Are efforts made to maintain the friendship outside of these life milestone events?

AE9766 · 11/04/2024 03:28

I'd drop her as a friend if someone I was close to showed me how little importance I had in their life.

coodawoodashooda · 11/04/2024 03:30

I'd be hurt and struggle to throw more money at something once I'd realised my demotion.

sheroku · 11/04/2024 03:45

Maybe I'm petty but I probably wouldn't go at all. Super shit to invite you to the hen do and not the ceremony. If it happened to me I would assume she's only interested in me being fun at a party and not actually caring about me as a friend.

theduchessofspork · 11/04/2024 03:53

It’s fair enough to be miffed. But don’t ask her for coffee to ‘discuss it’ - there’s nothing to discuss, it’s her wedding.

If you want to go go, don’t cut your nose off to spite your face, if you don’t you can just be busy.

OMGitsnotgood · 11/04/2024 04:01

I've never heard of anyone sending out invitations 3+ weeks after the hen do, I'd interpret that as the invitation was an afterthought.

I'd be hurt too OP, but I agree with others - don't ask for a coffee to discuss, that would be so embarrassing all round.,

Muthaofcats · 11/04/2024 04:13

I’d say nothing but also I 100% would NOT go to the evening do either.
It could be it’s a v small wedding in which case I wouldn’t be too offended but if the rest of the frjends are all day guests then you have been given a clear message you’re not as close as you think. I would be confused to have been invited to hen but not the actual wedding too. But I’d quietly note it and move on. Put your energies into different frjendships.

MississippiAF · 11/04/2024 04:15

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend

What ‘moments’ have you had?

LittleMonks11 · 11/04/2024 04:22

Yes, what are these moments? Might explain things ...

doubleshotcappuccino · 11/04/2024 04:23

You're right to be put out .. I wouldn't go at all .. it's going to grate at you whilst you're there

Ywudu · 11/04/2024 04:34

There is nothing to be gained from discussing it, what would you want her to say?

Who organised the hen do? Is it possible she didn't oversee the guest list?

I wouldn't go to the wedding either. Unless it is a very small ceremony and i had been informed in advance I would not be happy spending out all that on a hen but not being invited to the actual wedding.

PBandJ111 · 11/04/2024 05:05

Can you get money back from hen do?

IAmGrey · 11/04/2024 05:41

I'd think even the evening invite ws an afterthought. Invites usually go out well before the hen do. Were you sent a 'save the date?' Did anything happen on the hen do?

myfavouritemutant · 11/04/2024 05:59

It’s weird that other people have had invites and you haven’t - even for the evening do.

regardless of the ‘moments’ you’ve had, I think it’s odd to invite you to the hen do and not the main wedding part (unless it’s a very small wedding, which isn’t the case).

I’d be hurt too.

Stickyricepudding · 11/04/2024 06:07

I'm all for accepting people's choices but on my terms so given that you've paid for the Hen do, decline the evening invitation. Don't spend any more of your annual leave & money on this person. She clearly doesn't regard you as close a friend as you View her. Just send a card and a £10 Argos voucher, she doesn't deserve anymore than this.

I don't waste my money on elaborate wedding functions and wasting my precious annual leave. Match her effort so as she's downgraded you to an evening only guest, you don't need to waste anymore effort on her.

Soozikinzii · 11/04/2024 06:09

There's no point in discussing it but if the evening do involves travel and a hotel etc I'd think twice about forking more money out for a couple of hours .

Devastated999 · 11/04/2024 06:14

I would be really hurt too, but don’t try to persuade her to change her mind or explain over a coffee. What is there to gain doing that? She has made a bold statement considering that you are the only one of the group not to have a day invite. She has done it for a reason, and you have hinted at a problem which happened in the past. It isn’t nice at all, and I’d be tempted not to go, however I feel that doing that would sent a message to the other friends too that you shunned the wedding rather than the bride not inviting you.

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