Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

I would not go. I think it’s very rude to invite people to the hen, especially one that costs a lot of money, then issue them an evening invite. I would question her about it though

You're not being sensitive. It's painful (and, yes embarrassing) when you realise that someone you regarded as a close friend makes it clear that she holds you in a different league.

Someone I considered a really close friend from Uni, who I've known for over 2o years who I have supported through some incredibly difficult life experiences (she has done the same for me, tbf) invited me to the evening part of her wedding. I was genuinely stunned. Especially since, like you, I know that at least 3 or 4 of our friend group were invited to the ceremony and the entire day.

I didn't RSVP, because I thought she'd obviously made a mistake and would be sending another one, but she texted me to ask if I was able to 'make it' closer to the date.

I made up an excuse, and went out with my DH and my children for a lovely day out instead.

Messaged her to say I hope she had a wonderful day and I haven't initiated contact, spoken to or seen her since.

I wouldn't bother going for the evening do, she's taken you for a right mug inviting you along to the hen do and then pulling the 'you're not a good enough friend to warrant an all day invite' stunt.

I was friends with someone for 30 years and we’d been through everything together. She was my child’s godmother. She got married in secret but let me know weeks before!! I felt this was to punish me for something. People must have helped her with planning, her dress etc but she chose not to let me be part of this. It killed me at the time but I knew, our friendship was done and I’d been used for years. Always me making the effort etc. the icing on the cake was when my brother attempted suicide and was in intensive care on a breathing tube, and I rang her and left a desperate voicemail as she did t pick up. She sent me a message back saying things must be hard. Weeks later I had a message have o done something h to upset you? I ignored. My brother was ok but she never asked just snooped on social media. Sometimes yku just have to let things go. I like the saying, let them xxx

I had the same experience- it hurt! I just chalked it up to not being as close as friends to her as I thought we were.

Well, I got married in secret, told my best friend weeks before, but there were no plans for her to be involved in. We just had two (less close but local) friends as witnesses, purely because both of them were ‘resting’ actors who were free at lunchtime on a Tuesday. I wasn’t punishing her for anything!

Imagine having a friend contribute to your pricey hen do but not inviting them to the wedding 🤣

The Super Special Big Day for the Princess turns some people very self indulgent - she is a shit mate OP

I wouldn’t go. My company at her hen party would be her wedding gift.

I wouldn't want to go but would send apologies and a card.

I would be hurt too.
It's times like this when it all becomes apparent which group we fall into.

I agree about the “ tiered” wedding invitations. Either do something cheaper and ask everyone , have a smaller wedding fullstop or, if you must do something that you can’t afford to ask everyone to, make it very small - not much more than the wedding party and immediate family. It’s just not nice to grade people into levels of importance.

It's an absolute cheek. Don't go and buy her a toaster.

And it's especially crappy to invite people to pre-wedding parties like the hen do, but not invite them to the wedding.

OP you're not unreasonable, I think things like weddings kind of show where you sit in someone's life. With a long friendship, where you've supported her to the best of your capacity and been invited to her hen do, it's not unreasonable to have expected an invite to the whole wedding.

When faced with similar situations, I've just taken it as a cue to be less involved in that person's life - there's other people who value my company more and I'd rather spend time with those who view me on the same level as I see them.

On a side note, it always bothers me when people start cutting the guest list due to costs but then it transpires that their budget went on a nice venue, a fancy dress, flowers, and other extraneous crap. DH and I got married at the local register office with a reception in a cheap hall afterwards to accommodate everyone we wanted to invite, bought plenty of food and alcohol for everyone, splurged a bit on a ceilidh band and made sure the venue was easy for everyone to access.

The level of entitlement some people have over their weddings these days never ceases to amaze me (i.e. not inviting family members/not inviting children but still expecting parents to attend, underfeeding and under-serving their guests, fucking off for hours for photos with no entertainment provided, not considering access to venue etc.), and then they have the audacity to be upset that person X/Y/Z weren't able to come to the wedding despite being generally a crap host. Makes for entertaining mumsnet posts though at least!

Yes. The friend sounds like someone OP should not weep over tbh. Chin up, move on. But I’m sorry OP: crappy behaviour always hurts.

DH and I got married at the local register office with a reception in a cheap hall afterwards to accommodate everyone we wanted to invite, bought plenty of food and alcohol for everyone, splurged a bit on a ceilidh band and made sure the venue was easy for everyone to access.

As it should be. Formula for planning a wedding: 1. list all the people you want to invite. 2. Establish a budget 3. Choose venue, etc. based on those two things.
If you wind up serving finger sandwiches in the church hall, that is better than signaling to friends and family that "my big fancy wedding is more important to me that you are."

And all this palaver that is constantly spouted about "it's all about the bride and groom" is bullshit. It's an event to which people are being invited and other people (parents, the couple) are hosting. It's about the guests as much as it's about the bride and groom.

“OP you're not unreasonable, I think things like weddings kind of show where you sit in someone's life. With a long friendship, where you've supported her to the best of your capacity and been invited to her hen do, it's not unreasonable to have expected an invite to the whole wedding.

When faced with similar situations, I've just taken it as a cue to be less involved in that person's life - there's other people who value my company more and I'd rather spend time with those who view me on the same level as I see them.”

This, OP. I was an evening guest at a close work colleague’s wedding whereas more or less all the other mutual work friends were invited to the whole thing. I could rationalise the distinction (most of the other colleague-friends were much closer in age and socialised more outside work) but it did still sting and at some level I felt vaguely ashamed for not making the cut. In that case, I went but in your shoes I think I’d be tempted to bow out if you don’t think you would regret doing so. Alternatively, if you want to maintain the friendship at some level, then it may be better to go.

What do the guests get out of the hen do, then? Why does anyone go to a hen do?

Going to a wedding is expensive enough. The argument seems to be that the OP paid £250 for the privilege of spending even more as a guest at the full wedding.

i’m not defending the bride btw. I think the hierarchy of wedding invitations is awful (we had one event that went on into the evening), as is expecting people to attend expensive hen parties. It’s the height of entitlement.

What do the guests get out of the hen do, then? Why does anyone go to a hen do?

I honestly hate hen do's. Hate them. They're always cringey AF and everyone gets smashed out of their minds. I have only ever gone to them out of obligation because I care about the hen, and want to celebrate with her, not because I enjoy them. I'd far rather have a nice meal out and actually be able to chat to my friends without having to carry around an inflatable penis 😂

What do the guests get out of the hen do, then? Why does anyone go to a hen do?

Beats the shit out of me 🤷‍♀️

Fuck that.

Yeah I’d be miffed too, especially having just spent that on the hen… it you’d known before the hen I’d imagine you’d have attended neither. And not lost out, but now you’re set to lose our £250+. If you can’t claim back the money in any way, and it’s before you need to give an answer to the evening ceremony, I’d probably go, spend no more and then decline the evening and cut the friendship. Although if you’re the only evening invite on the hen that’s gonna be weird too.
if the hen is after you need to give a response, I’m not sure what I’d do regarding going to the hen! I certainly wouldn’t be going and would cut the friendship. I don’t get why people are so weird like this! Sorry you’ve had to experience this time of shit, thought it was only me!

Decline (make up an excuse). Wish her well. Plan a day out for yourself on the wedding day and then minimise her in your life. She has treated you shoddily and damaged your friendship. Do not feel ashamed. It hurts like hell though so sending a big hug.

Oh sorry I think I’ve misread, you’ve already been ON the hen do! Decline the invite, spend no more on her, remove from life. Doesn’t seem like a friend.

years ago I had a “friend” who got married a few months before us. My (then fiance, now husband) wasn’t invited at all and it was several hundred miles away, yet people she had just met had their partners invited…
I declined, they never their invite to our wedding and we’ve not spoken since… I’m pretty sure they’ve split up now.

@spacehoppercommuter you made me smile with images of carrying around an inflatable penis

I used to enjoy the ones in days of yore, when you went out to dinner for the evening or had a gathering at someone's house for a few hours. But several days holed up in some "destination," possibly having to share a room (and worse a bathroom) with someone you barely know and being expected to drink mass quantities of alcohol on a daily basis? No indeed.