Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

Well it does sound like you have drifted a bit - if that's the case then I'd just gracefully accept the invite. Planning a wedding is hard work and guest lists are one of the most difficult parts.

It’s weird that other people have had invites and you haven’t - even for the evening do.

We sent out evening invites much later than the daytime invites.

It's not unusual to do that - people don't generally need as much notice for an evening event and usually aren't travelling as far.

You went to her graduation? A friend, not a relative? Aren’t tickets super limited and allocated and usually one or two per graduand? I remember getting two tickets, which I used for my two (divorced) parents and applied in a ballot for one more ticket for my sister but was unsuccessful

See it as her stating how she views your friendship and adjust your expectations accordingly. If you feel really bad, just accept the invite for now not to make it too obvious you’re upset, and then cancel the day before or closer to the time w a plausible excuse like a stomach bug, babysitting fallen through (if you have kids) or something like that.

She doesn't consider you to be a good friend, so just move on. Don't go to the evening do and don't send it gift.
I'm guessing you were invited to the hen do to help with the costs? Anyway, the situation is clear. Don't waste any more money.

I wouldn't go at all now, it's clear what she thinks of this friendship. Don't waste your time and money trying to fix it!

I think the hen do has been and gone.

Right. Tbh it sounds as if you hadn't mentioned it, you wouldn't have been invited to any of it.

At least you know where you stand in her friendship head. At least you don't need to get a gift. Wins there. No more shelling out for this wedding.

you were invited to the hen but not the wedding, thats awkward.
hold your head up though, dont be embarrassed

You can’t ask her about it. But you’re right to feel upset about it. Especially as she didn’t tell you you’re only an evening guest until after you forked out ridiculous money for her hen do.
I’d maybe go to the evening do if it’s close by, but decline if I’d need a hotel/lots of money spent on it. I’d probably take a slight step back from the whole friendship.

Are you close friends with those other girls who were at the hen do or who are invited to the full wedding? if so, then go to the evening part if you do not want to lose those friendships but if not I would not bother going to evening do at all as she left you out and not fair that she asked you to the hen do and for the price of it all. Hope you are ok and don't get too upset about it.

You can be quietly pissed off, but don't talk to her or your mutual friends about this and drag them into any drama. As a pp said, hold your head high and attend the evening event with grace, and a modest gift (for the sake of your mutual friendships) Evaluate your friendship, you aren't actually as close as you thought. Perhaps she isn't over the 'little moments' you've had over the years that you refer to in your op. She's showing you where you stand with her, in the future you can invest exactly the same energy back into the friendship.
'Keep those who keep you'

Her wedding, her choice.

BUT

Her actions aren't free of consequences and I agree OP should re-evaluate if she wants to attend the wedding at all and even reconsider the friendship should OP feel strongly enough.

Having a wedding is not a blank cheque to freely upset lots of people on the premise of it being their day.

Did she organise the hen? I’m wondering if she has quietly decided to move on from your friendship and someone in the wider group planned the hen party? That or they needed numbers to reduce costs. I’d just quietly move on OP.

I'd be annoyed too but then I wouldn't be paying out for any hen do costing £250 plus if it's so far ahead that the invites aren't out it's not a he do in my opinion. Hen dos and stags were the night before the wedding, a couple of weeks before perhaps is smart but not months

I think its cheeky of her to not have got the invite to you before the hen do needed to be paid for personally. Also I'm not entirely convinced you would have been invited at all if you hadn't chased..

I would be hurt too OP! I always thought the hen do was for your closest friends and by default, they'd be invited to the whole shebang. 'Evening only' invite is really what you give to distant friends and colleagues and sadly I would read this as her letting you know where you rank. I totally get it and yeah, if travelling to the evening do was a big extra expense, I think I'd be reconsidering whether to go.

Sorry OP, as @SoulMole points out I had missed the part about the hen do having been and gone (and based on my assumption that a hen do is normally held close enough to the wedding that all guests will have received their invitation)

If you wish to hold on to the friendship, go to the evening reception if its not too much hassle and don't mention a lack of day time invite. It does unfortunately sound like the bride has re-evaluated your friendship and feels less close

I think that is very poor of her ,and odd,why would you be invited to the hen but not the wedding
TBF i did not have evening only guests
Dont speak to her about it though
Just hold your head up high
I would consider not attending

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it

You're thinking about having a discussion about her wedding guest list?

Wtaf? Seriously? But it's none of your business

The bride views you as an acquaintance or non close friend, close enough to be at the hen party not close enough to attend the ceremony ....what's to discuss?

How would you imagine the conversation panning out?

I'd be miffed too. She should have told you earlier.

I’d be upset by this. Especially if you’re close friends and close enough to go on hen do.

There’s nothing you can really do though without coming across in a bad light.

A similar thing happened to me years ago. A very close friend told me she was getting married. She had been with the guy decades but they decided to have a smallish ceremony -

She text to say she was getting married. When I said can’t wait etc she replied with: oh I don’t think you’ll be invited. I’ll have to let you know? After much ‘you are invited, actually you’re not, actually you are’ - (my then partner made me attend, against my wishes to be honest)

It was the shortest weirdest ceremony in a registry office (I think it was only for the photos if I’m honest - (she was Instagrammy before Instagram was a thing) then a long drive back to a meal in a local area. It was all a bit weird to be honest and she had filled the seats of the registry office with producers of shows that her child has starred in, at the expense of having her actual friends there. She was always a bit of a wannabe social climber. When I split with my then husband she cut all contact with me because she preferred hanging out at his new girlfriends parents mansion. Despite the fact I had practically raised her youngest child whilst she spent long periods of time in Wales filming with her eldest child for children’s shows.

Just one of life’s takers. People who aren’t nice always end up with the life they deserve. She is an old woman now with very little to show for her life.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Fine to be miffed, but it’s not appropriate to have a go or try and change it. Don’t go to the hen if you don’t want, but assume the money is spent already if accommodation etc

Also I think Brides suddenly having a God complex is a really common thing. I’ve had a few friends turn into arseholes as soon as they have a wedding to plan. The useful thing is you learn who people are. You don’t have to put up with rubbish from people. She could have just as easily invited you to the ceremony with the other hens. It’s similar to when you have a baby. You quickly learn who your friends are.