Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

You are an economy plus friend rather than first class friend to her.
But to you she is a first class friend. You need to bump her down to economy plus and reset your friendship expectations.
Could be worse - there are people who think they are friends with her who did not get invited at all - they're still sat back in economy with everyone she does not know.

Politely decline the invite, or feign illness and no wedding present. Moving forward, prioritise other friends over this one.

That would really hurt me. Whilst I wouldn't ask why, I also wouldn't go to the wedding.

How very horrible of her to treat you like that. I wouldn't go now out of principle.

How far away is the wedding?

It sounds like she no longer feels that your in her inner circle.
Shitty though it is, that's her choice.

Act accordingly and consider the close friendship over.

I'd not be going to the hen night nor the evening do.

Sure it’s her choice but then don’t ask OP to fork out £££ for her hen. It’s rude.

I think one way or another, the friendship you thought you had is over.

The "moments" of conflict you've had in the past couple of years, might be biting her more. Did you give her unwelcome advice? Does her spouse-to-be like you? Is he the father of her baby?

But whatever has happened between you, she's keeping you at arm's length for the most intimate part of the wedding.

She's also embarking on a new chapter in life.

Do you really want to be close friends with her in 5 years?

If your friendship ends, will you still be close friends with any mutual friends?

How many people at the hen did you think were also your close friends?

How comfortable did you feel at the hen party?

You have to have more insight than "You thought you were close friends. She's excluded you from the important parts of her wedding."

I don’t get evening guests to weddings. When I got married we had everyone there all day, no separate evening people rocking up. It’s such an odd concept. Good enough to come but not good enough to make the main cut.

You are not being over sensitive. I’m sorry to say that she does not see you as a close friend after the problem a few years ago.
You were invited to bump up hen do numbers .
If I were you I would give the wedding a miss and reevaluate this friendship.Sorry

Most people would not choose to go on an expensive hen do, it's something you do as a favour to the bride because you're her close friend supposedly and it's part of her "special time" given that the theory is we only get married once! You might or might not enjoy it, sometimes have never met the other hens before if the bride has a wide range of friends who don't move in the same circles. It's a social expectation that as a close friend you'll suck up any inconvenience or financial hardship and attend the hen do. The same social expectation dictates you invite your closest friends (ie the ones who attended the hen do) to your wedding. Even though a lot of people don't especially like going to weddings, you go so as not to snub the happy couple, to share in the celebration of their marriage and hopefully enjoy the party afterwards.

Has the hen do happened?

I think that’s off. If you should confront it though do you risk creating conflict? It’s a funny one with friends (and family) sometimes they make really weird decisions that leave us hurt. If you are brave enough to confront do it - or just attend and enjoy. I had a curve ball recently where my best friend from school told me that I was never her best friend -I’m 48! Real stomach punch. Go figure and good luck ❤️

The bride definitely should’ve told you that you were on the evening guest list before asking you to pay £250 for her hen-do. You weren’t given sufficient opportunity to decline!!

Also the bride must have known on some level that you would be hurt and offended for not being invited to the main event, otherwise why would she not just tell you? Some brides are just so unbelievably selfish and rude. It’s not you, it’s her. Time for some new friends!

I personally would be that pissed off I would say something but that’s because It would keep me up at night thinking why and I would just need to know. I would be so insainly hurt cause that’s just the way I am. I would say it nicely though and show my emotions rather than get angry and aggressive. If I went she would give me the ick though watching her swanning round in her dress thinking she’s wonderful like most brides after causing hurt. I was so careful on my wedding day not to hurt anyone or leave anyone out. Even with children’s parties I am cause I don’t like to leave people out.

Or "sorry but I had a better offer".

Awwww that’s horrible. People suck! This is why my best friends are my children cause they can’t escape me 🤦🏼‍♀️

A Tesco "value" card.

I once had an invite from someone I thought a close friend for evening only so I just declined saying I had a prior engagement and ignored the totally OOT John Lewis wedding present list. They fell off the radar years ago.

Bizarrely some years ago a friend (?) invited me to his mother-in-law's wake but not the funeral service beforehand. Made no sense so I just did not bother.

You only need a hand or two to count true friends. The rest are just passing acquaintances.

Yeh I’d be pissed off!

Yeh I’d be pissed off!

Who gets invited to a funeral? You just turn up don’t you?

Just message her and ask if there's a reason she hasn't included you. She's clearly decided your not a close enough friend so nothing to lose

Granted she doesn’t have to invite you to the whole wedding but she should have told u earlier. Don’t blame u being upset. Maybe deep down she knew the way she was treating you was wrong and hadn’t the guts to tell you until the 11th hour.

@Loulou1902 I'm going to go against the grain a bit here & ask whether you feel you can be the bigger person and accept the evening invite anyway?

A friend of mine got married & I knew they had limited places for the sit down meal so I was evening only - but I really wanted to see them actually get married so asked if OK to go to ceremony as well, as I knew there was more room at the church than at meal. I was really happy I'd helped celebrate the actually important bit of the day with them.

Understand this wouldn't work if it's "destination" wedding or a package, but maybe it's an option to check?

There are all sorts of reasons she may not have included you (struggling to see where to include you in seating plan? no +1 so thought you might be awkward as a single? doesn't want to fork out for a +1 if you're not in a long-term relationship with someone she knows already?) - as well as the potential reason you've already identified of '2nd tier friend'.

Of course it's your right to turn down your evening invite if you like, but if you're prepared to be the bigger person & keep repairing your relationship, maybe ask if there's an option to attend the ceremony then come back for evening do?