Evening invite to friend’s wedding

[Loulou1902]

I’ve known the hen for 18 years, and although we’ve had our moments in the last couple of years, I consider her a close friend and have previously been invited along to any important events (her graduation, baby shower etc).

A week or so after the hen do I messaged her to find out timings for the wedding, as I still hadn’t heard anything but had overheard several others talking about invites and accommodation bookings. She then replied telling me that my invite is 7pm onwards (evening guest) and that she’ll get an invite to me in the next couple of weeks. I’m feeling a little hurt by this, as from what I can make out I’m the only one of her long term friends not invited to the ceremony. And it’s not a small ceremony either. Sounds like I have been grouped in with work and other more distant friends in the evening.

I’m also a little frustrated that I’ve just paid out £250+ for her hen do without being given the heads up that I would just be an evening guest.

Am I being a little sensitive about this? Or do I ask to meet her for coffee to discuss it?

@Loulou1902 I wouldn’t be inclined to attend the evening do. She’s putting you in your place and it’s almost as if she’s waited for an opportunity to do so. If she’s still stinging about you not being available or responsive enough (in her eyes) when you were going through hell with a newborn, then she’s pretty worthless.

It’s her wedding. If she is a longtime close friend then be happy for her. Go to the hen, go to the evening do, choose a lovely present for them. It’s her day, not yours. You are a bit hurt; understood. But, be happy for her and be generous.

Yes, it's her wedding. She gets to choose.

However, it does not give the bride carte blanche to be crass. It's incredibly crass of her to invite the OP to spend £££ on her hen and then not invite her to the wedding.

I personally don’t agree that you don’t have a right to ask but also acknowledge it’s a an awkward and possibly difficult conversation to broach. It’s up to you but i’d definitely stop putting myself out for her and place her in the acquaintance category going forward.

Sorry OP, this friendship sounds very one-sided.

You definitely shouldn't ask her out for coffee and a chat about it right now, or before the wedding at all really, but I'd probably be inclined to give feedback as to why I was declining the evening invitation, if you do. Or, feedback after the wedding just in general about how hurt I was.

I know several people have said it's her wedding, her rules, or whatever excuse for it's okay to do thoughtless things people are trotting out, but it's not really okay to invite someone to the hen do and then relegate them to an evening invitation when it's a big wedding, which you've said it is. (Adding all of that for those not reading the follow up posts!)

FWIW, I don't think she's wrong for only inviting you to the evening do if she's feeling your friendship has cooled off significantly. It's the combination of you being invited to the hen do to make up numbers THEN not wanting you as a number for the big day that I object to.

But what is the best response in the circumstances? My suggestion is try to be as generous and forgiving as possible. She’s getting married! Love her a bit.

Getting married does not give anyone the right to act like a b!tch. Yes, it's her wedding, but that doesn't give her carte blanche to treat the OP like she has.

The OP has not been shown love so the self-centered bride does not deserve any in turn. I hope the OP skips the "evening invite" and takes the money she would spend going and treats herself to a special day for herself.

I respectfully disagree. I hope that if I was in this situation I would focus on the friend whose wedding it was rather than on my own disappointment at not being invited. But, I accept, we all respond differently.

Well you would be very silly.

I could live with being silly. I think when I looked back on it in years to come, I would feel I’d done the right thing and also possibly rescued the friendship.

Its not being silly though - its about treating people the same and not treating them like crap. The Bride is this question doesn't view the OP as a good friend, if she did she would want her to spend the full day at her wedding enjoying her day, but no she hasn't , clearly demonstrated by the evening invite. Why rescue a friendship when clearly the Bride giving out vibes she doesn't really want a friendship

Because the ball is back in your/my/her court. Just because the friend/bride has erred, it doesn’t follow that we have to retaliate. There may explanations for not making the invitation that we have not considered. She may be under extreme stress. All I’m saying is that it would be better, difficult as it may be, to bite our tongue, ride it out, be generous and forgiving. I’m not saying it’s easy and I’m not saying I would manage to achieve it but I hope I would try.

@bluemoonmu I agree go and be the bigger person, as I said earlier up thread, you don’t know how many the venue holds, you don’t know how big the families are on each side ( in our family their invites would always take precedence over friends invites) and there has to be a cut off somewhere. Maybe OP isn’t quite as close as they thought but still close enough for an evening invite. There will be people who know the bride that won’t have got an invite at all. Numbers are finite and day guests especially so.
A family member invited 3 close friends only, they have loads and loads of friends via various sports etc, if they had even begun to invite them it would have spiralled into massive numbers with plus ones, kids etc. Some of them were miffed at not being invited but that’s life.
As far as the hen do goes, that’s a totally separate event. A girly friends boozy night/weekend away and not usually family so a totally different criteria for deciding who goes.

I would be very hurt and angry at being left out of the wedding itself. If I had been in close and regular contact.
You can’t get the money back for the hen do so that is the end of that.
I definitely would not go to the evening party. However is it possible the invitation for evening only was a mistake?
I would be inclined to ask her. No need to be embarrassed.
Personally I would not attend the evening do if leaving you out of the wedding was intentional.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C50enpotnsn/?igsh=MXg1bnR4b2Y0bWk3ZA==

Just looked at our wedding quotes - the venue we ended up choosing was under £1.5k and had a capacity of 400. Not the fanciest place, but fit everyone we needed to invite.

I think weddings showcase what someone's priorities are and highlights where values may differ. I'm fundamentally going to think differently about someone if they value a fancy venue, a dress, flowers, or other extraneous crap over inviting people who've been in their lives for decades, and I wouldn't see backing away from that friendship as a loss. I have other people who value me on the same level as I value them, I'd rather nurture those relationships instead.

It's not just about being the bigger person, it's about recognising where you stand with people and then treating them respectfully but accordingly.

There's so many mumsnet threads about people who constantly have acted as the bigger person only to be treated like absolute mugs and doormats by people who are supposedly friends or close family. It just chips away at the person's self confidence over time and removes time and opportunity to find better relationships elsewhere.

This is by far the best response- totally agree and it’s where i was coming from in my response but you broke it down wonderfully.

Also there was a comment about what if evening invite was a mistake lol can you imagine if that were true and the OP went through all the worry because she decided not to ask lol

@CaribouCarafe 1.5k to feed 400 people, you’re having a larffffff!!

I too had a bang average venue under pressure to invite absolutely everyone, a private room in a pub. Big regret, it was my day and I should have had it somewhere special and some of the people who came I haven’t seen from that day to this . I’ve been married 40 years.

If my DH finds we’ve only been invited to the evening he calls that a result!

That was just the venue price for ceremony and reception. We paid 3.5k in catering in total for 100 guests (including a sit down meal for lunch, plenty of alcohol (we had so many bottles left over at the end of the night we were giving them away as favours!) and an evening buffet) but could've paid less if we wanted to. The main lunch was done in a decent local pub with people choosing their food in advance. This was 6 years ago though, so pre-inflation.

My point was more that when you're planning a wedding, you choose the guests first and then you match your trimmings to the budget that allows for all of them to attend. Rather than making the day just about your whims and then being surprised at any fallout that may occur

@CaribouCarafe so that’s what I did 40 years ago. Matched the guests to the venue and it was truly basic. We had 130 guests and a buffet. I would have been much better having the day and venue I wanted and have regretted it ever since. Especially as I said some of the people invited I have not clapped eyes on since that day.

What I was trying to say was that there would always be a cut off. My adult child plays in several teams, works with 80 people who they have to liaise with every day, and still has loads of friends from school and University. Most of them are married or have partners who would have needed an invite. There is no way he could have invited them all. They both had large families and got to 90 guests before friends were even added. And by families I mean aunties, uncles and cousins that they bother with regularly. They also invited the kids. There is no where round here that you could do what you did and unless you have a Wednesday in the middle of winter the costs mount up.

I bet whoever would have come 101 or 102 on your list, ie missed the cut were silently peeved.

I empathize.Very hard not to not feel it.

The only thing you can do is recalibrate your attachment and weigh up the cost to you of any adjustment. What else can you do?

I have had so many friendships impacted by the whole wedding thing. It's so easy to hurt and be hurt on all sides.

A good friend of mine asked me to be her unofficial best woman, then booked a date right after I'd booked a family holiday. I had wanted to go and then said I couldn't undo the plans and she has kind of dropped me since. I guess fair enough (!) but less than six months notice is not enough.
I think it's impossible to make everyone feel important enough, impossible to not hurt anyone, it's all too much.

I try to take things in my stride and accept that I am not trying to square the circles which the bridal party are trying to square.

It's a weird moment of make or break your relationships. A great moment of status signalling. It's all very loaded isn't it?

100% this.
Show your face at the wedding. Congratulate her , say how lovely she looks etc. etc.
Then just don’t bother with her again.
Her loss…

And others of us don't feel a one-sided friendship should be rescued.

I, for one, am not that desperate for that style of "friendship".

I don’t feel it is one sided, she was invited to the baby shower, hen, evening do, they see each other regularly. I don’t see why it’s suddenly one sided as she’s an evening only invite. Your post makes you sound very high maintenance.

That's so sweet! The OP has been invited to all of her friends "occasions" that would cost the OP money! But when an occasion happens that the "friend" would spend money on the OP, "OOPS! That isn't going to happen!".

Your post sounds like someone who doesn't mind being a doormat and desperate for friends.

IF you had read her posts, you would see the ONLY one putting out effort without a "gimme money time", is the OP and her "friend" has stood her up, more than once. If that's YOUR idea of a "good friend", then, I am mind-boggled. facepalm