Taking children of 5 and under to places they won't enjoy

[Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain]

DB and SIL have a 5 (almost 6) year old DS and a 5 month old. SIL's DP's live at the other end of the country to her so she sees them in the holidays and some weekends.

During these holidays, the DP's sometimes go away with DB, SIL and the DC but usually to cultural places, and on holidays which are often cultural. The cultual places are often for SIL and her DP's who like this a lot. Their DS often gets bored though he does like the odd museum/stately home etc. His grandmother will often complain about DS's behaviour when he's at the cultural places (he behaves very well though generally there). They sometimes but don't often factor in playtime at parks. He'd be much happier with his other grandparents (my DP's) where they take him to playparks and child friendly museums etc or with his other cousins of a similar age where they do lots of outdoor activities.

Do you think it's unfair to drag a young child around to these places when it's obvious they don't enjoy it and get bored?

We did a lot of this when I was a child. Loved it. Sparked a love of history, and cultural awareness. Kids need also to learn to adapt, to be bored, and to do things they wouldn't prefer to do. Good grounding for life. Also good not to dumb down.

I really think it's up to the parents to decide how to entertain/educate their child, so long as nobody is being abusive. You and your mum may think "poor boy" but your DB could take him to more child-friendly activities if he wanted - perhaps they can split up in museums etc and each go to the exhibit area they prefer. It won't be fun for anybody if the child is very bored and unhappy (and more likely to become an issue when the current baby becomes a toddler).

I don’t really see what it’s got to do with you? They aren’t your children and it’s not your parents.

In a nutshell.

SIL seems fine with the arrangements, but on the offchance that she isn't (or your brother isn't) it's their issue to deal with.

Playing 'who's the best grandparent/auntie' is pointlessly competitive and silly.

So she had DNeph when no one else could, it was too much, but she was spoken to and thus they've not asked her again. When he was 10 months old and you were there and therefore reasonably assumed to be looking after him she tried to help but wasn't as good as you. But despite this you think she should give up her job so she can spend her life travelling backwards and forwards to see them, even though you'd disapprove of her doing childcare and when you yourself have made it clear she's not overly maternal?

OK, you and your Mom are amazing, you'd be much better at raising him and frankly its a wonder they haven't just handed him over already.

They’re nearly 4 and 1 so taking them anywhere that isn’t catered for them just isn’t enjoyable for any of us. Let’s face it a holiday with young kids isn’t a holiday it’s just parenting in another country 🤣
As they get older that will change but right now it’s all about the kids

I know? The thread isn’t going OP’s way, and now the bad grandparents are physically abusive. And the SIL is neglecting her son in order to work, what an unnatural mother.

OP, have you considered adopting this poor, abused little child? After all, you have said you know he would have a far better time away from his awful mum and her awful parents, spending time with your fun mum and his fun cousins (which I assume must be your children?) Your poor DB might even get a chance to do some parenting, away from the harridan he married who is currently preventing him from doing anything at all with his son.

I think it is pretty unfair to be dragging an adult to the playground for the 1000th time to be bored out of their brain but hey, isn't it what we are doing with (?for) children 99% of the time?
Our kid is bored on a holiday, on a walk and while camping. We still do these things and encourage her to make the best out of the bad (for her) situation. That's life and you never know, they may learn to engage with things eventually and discover that they do enjoy them after all. Although, adults can always make effort to make museum visits interesting for younger children.

does your brother, his father, have a problem with it or is it just you and your mum bitching?!

The Ashmolean is fab for children. As are the other museums in Oxford. My parents live in Oxford and my kids were taken to the museums all the time with my parents who never did specific "child friendly" things with them. (Tbf, they never really got that kids aren't always interested in museums, opera and history, and always treated them as people who should and could be just as interested in all that as they are, and what do you know, yes, they were probably sometimes a bit bored or had enough, but they are now teenagers who voluntarily go to museums and exhibitions with their grandparents and talk fondly about their memories of doimg these activities with their grandparents when they were small.)

OP do you have any kids of your own?

There is so much wrong with your attitude here. I have an almost 6 year old and he would love the things you describe your nephew doing. Yes he also loves playing with his friends and going to the park but it sounds like your nephew does get to do a real mix of things.

The later posts where you slag off his mother and grandmother for daring to work are embarrassing.

The grandmother works because she doesn’t want to look after her husband or spend time with him, she doesn’t particularly enjoy working and has a crippling back condition. The mother works the odd day as part of her 6 KIT days.

The views I’ve expressed are mostly DM and mine, not so much mine actually.

His brother actually does have a problem with it sometimes but he thinks his DS enjoys it too.

Like I said there’s quite literally a short period for kid friendly stuff.

I never said that at all, none of that. I just hope she didn’t actually hit him when she looked after him alone overnight.

If she was aggressive and nasty within our earshot then god knows what she was like when they were alone.

No....I think more parents should be doing this! I also don't think it's any of your business how they raise their kids.

At last a balanced reply.

I often think on MN there are certain posts including this one which are best left unposted/unsaid because no matter what you say or express you’ll get shot down.

To be quite honest I’m used to getting myself shot down for far less here which is why I usually stick to nice safe topics.

Yes, I’ve dripfed a bit here, apologies I wouldn’t normally do that.

DB and that side of the family have just told us they’re taking them all away to Egypt to the Valley of the Kings in the hot season, of course we all said it’ll be so educational and don’t bother going to common Sharm El Sheikh for some R&R. 🤣🤣🤣

@Compsearch no I don’t have kids of my own, so what?! I’m allowed to have an opinion on parenting so don’t start that one on me.

DB isn't even allowed to take DNephew to the bits he does like but he's said that on this trip he's done that now once and they met up later.

I’d say your brother is a large part of the problem with this. He’s the child’s father - he doesn’t need to be ‘allowed’ to take him to the park/childs section - he just needs to say “right, X is clearly getting bored after 2/3 hours so I’m taking him to the park”. Then he goes to the park.

You must be the millionth person to say that…

So when DNephew says like he did today when he visits… we visited another boring museum. What am I meant to say? He even looks bored in some of these places which is hilarious.

I agree with you here, he’s actively trying to do this and apparently they got side eye in a museum last week when their baby started crying so he had to take both kids out.

You try and encourage him to think of the good stuff he did during the day. Because I’m pretty sure he can’t have hated every second and if pushed he will tell you the bits he enjoyed. If you agree with him you’re going to share the narrative that cultural activities are boring

Not sure about this specific situation but generally our lives have revolved around child-friendly activities since we've had dcs. I don't agree with allowing them to get bored, I like to see them engaged and enjoying themselves so I research lots of different places that have good activities for kids. This includes loads of cultural places as we're in London and most museums/historic homes are child-friendly. In other cities they aren't and I don't take them there unless I know they have something to interest them. Sometimes I'll take them to something a bit more grown up for a short period, but only with the promise of a park nearby or similar.

It's not something I'd comment on to another family directly people make their own parenting decisions and that's for them, but I'd just be thankful it wasn't my dcs having to endure it.

I’ve got my arse handed on a plate to me here…

I’m not going to flounce but I certainly can see this place has got bitchy over the years (I’ve been here approx 15 years) and can see why some posters like SP (the single parent from Newcastle I think) have left and not returned.

Just stick the boot in even further because I don’t have kids and you don’t know the reason you bullying lot. I love and care about my niece and nephews.

Our holiday activities revolve around the children. Although we might try to tweak some days so we can do things for us for example I enjoy open water swimming so I might do that whilst DH plays with the children on the beach. DH likes cycling so may go for a ride one afternoon whilst I look after the children doing an activity in our holiday accommodation. Generally though the days are all about them and in the evening we kick back with a nice meal and glass of wine!

I don’t agree with how your DB and SIL are doing things but it is their choice and ultimately I’d advise to stay out of it unless you could maybe suggest going on holiday / days out with you and your parents which won’t directly criticise their way of doing things on previous holidays but would perhaps involve different activities.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain the reason you don’t have kids isn’t relevant though? (Sorry if you want kids but can’t have them/haven’t had them yet). But if you did have your own you’d realise that some of the comments you made (eg comparing his attitude to climbing a wall with your own, commenting on his vocabulary) were a bit ridiculous.

Your posts are dripping with disdain for these people, who are your nephew’s family just as much are you are.

And it’s really really easy to be reductive when talking about someone’s personal life. You say the grandmother works because she doesn’t want to care for her husband - is that the whole story? Likely not but you’ve said it here in order to make her look bad, even though it’s not relevant at all to your original complaint about her.

Also, at first you said:

One of the reasons why SIL and DB go on these holidays is to help grandad (SIL's DF) as he's a paraplegic and grandma (SIL's DM) usually cares for him, so it's a rest for her.

but then you said:

The grandmother works because she doesn’t want to look after her husband or spend time with him, she doesn’t particularly enjoy working and has a crippling back condition

which is it?

You asked me if I had kids. It may not be relevant but you asked me. I didn’t offer that info up.

I’m not criticising his vocabulary at all or his climbing skills but I do sometimes think he says words which he says he understands but doesn’t fully. His DPs think the same re this as they’ve said it. He’s 5 but looks 7/8 due to height so I admit we’re guilty all of us of treating him that way when he is 5 emotionally. The wall thing maybe that’s critical. Today though I took him to the play park and within minutes he’s playing with and introducing himself to other kids and their parents as he’s an active and extrovert and friendly child, I actually got compliments from one set of parents today as to how lovely and friendly he was.

Actually the grandmother does enjoy working to a degree, but one of the main reasons (it’s unsaid but we all know it) is that her DH has recovered from a stroke and is a paraplegic but gets very moody and angry (he also has cystic fibrosis) and when he’s at home he can be hard to live with. It’s tragic because before the stroke he was working and driving, more or less normal and his speech and motor skills are very refined for a CF sufferer. He’s been like this with the stroke since his mid 50s.

He doesn’t want outside caters but needs them, I think she would like and they can afford private carers but this is never addressed. But she does the majority of the work caring for him so that’s probably why her back is F’ed and she’s moody from time to time.

I suppose also I don’t see DB’s in laws as much as used to so the disdain comes in, maybe they speak the same about me, who knows?

If it makes the vipers here happy I’ll drag him around every museum in London despite his protests, because it’s good for him.