Taking children of 5 and under to places they won't enjoy

[Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain]

DB and SIL have a 5 (almost 6) year old DS and a 5 month old. SIL's DP's live at the other end of the country to her so she sees them in the holidays and some weekends.

During these holidays, the DP's sometimes go away with DB, SIL and the DC but usually to cultural places, and on holidays which are often cultural. The cultual places are often for SIL and her DP's who like this a lot. Their DS often gets bored though he does like the odd museum/stately home etc. His grandmother will often complain about DS's behaviour when he's at the cultural places (he behaves very well though generally there). They sometimes but don't often factor in playtime at parks. He'd be much happier with his other grandparents (my DP's) where they take him to playparks and child friendly museums etc or with his other cousins of a similar age where they do lots of outdoor activities.

Do you think it's unfair to drag a young child around to these places when it's obvious they don't enjoy it and get bored?

Total bollocks. You're making this up. But yeah you do you.

I'm not this interested. It's what DB tells me or then tells DM who tells me. DM speaks to DB daily (that's another story...!).

It was just a comment on it. I'm not making a huge thing out of it and just thought I'd gauge opinion here.

I don't know the ins and outs of every day out they're having. It's what DB tells me but also DM tells me. As I said before DM speaks to DB every day. I don't speak to DB every day.

No 1, don't call me lass.

No 2, I didn't put this in AIBU so I am not being unreasonable.

No 3 - I didn't say I wanted them to do all stuff that the 5 year old enjoys.

No 4 - the grandma does get out a lot - she works still and she goes a lot herself either by herself or with her other family.

I do agree with you that they miss their daughter and her family and want to spend time doing things they enjoy with them - that's not in question. It's just hardly ever, a trip to a theatre, the cinema (where they live they have really good ones) etc.

I didn't actually complain that his grandma didn't take him to Legoland because I've been before and I agree, it is hell on earth, it's just that most fun things she/her husband tend to vetoe and then wonder why their grandson gets bored?

Anyway, as I've said before, I've made the mistake of posting here about something which to be honest I'm not that fussed about.

It's just a bit eyerolling to me and DM when I go to see her and she says "oh they've gone here for the week (to a university city) and this is what they're doing". I mean who knows, next time I see my nephew he'll wax lyrical about how fun it was. I also have a bit of an issue because last time I saw the grandma she was unpleasant including physically but also verbally quite rude to her grandson who she had to look after whilst her daughter was in hospital having her 2nd baby (there were issues so she had to stay in a few days) and the grandma also made nasty comments about him to me and DM which we both thought were unnecessary, he's a lovely boy generally too.

Is it possibly reverse snobbish- they are cultural so not allowed

Do you mean SIL's DP's?

Me and my DP's are just as cultural as they are but the grandma is a bit of a snob sometimes especially when it's come to DB's career, she thought her daughter should've married a banker/lawyer rather than the creative type he is. Grandad isn't so bad, not as snobbish.

Anyway as I said, I'm a bit biased because the grandma can be quite nasty towards my nephew, mostly because she had nannies for her 2 DC when they were children, she didn't parent them much, she admits this. I actually like and get on with the grandma (we all know each other quite well), but it's not nice to be unpleasant to a child, and sometimes I know she's said in front of me if I've been on these cultural trips, how he should look at things and do the museum trips and have patience about them.

Anyway, I'm just probably hearing DM's side of the story and I'm off work this week anyway so more time on my hands to chat to her!

If you're Scottish by the way, I've got a great pic of DNephew when he was 2 - running down the National Museum of Scotland in Edinburgh draped in a dressing up shawl/kilt they had there, he looked a bit orphan child though!

I agree with what you’re saying. We have tailored our holidays and trips now to make sure it’s stuff the kids will like as quite frankly it is fun for no one to take them somewhere they really don’t want to be and then expect them to behave a certain way. That’s not to say we don’t do any culture - but it is age appropriate and we make sure it’s fun. DD 5 loves a stately home but we do tend to do it at speed - even I get bored waiting for DH to read (slowly) all the commentary! We’ve also ended up seeing areas and attractions we wouldn’t have done otherwise when we’re away and I would argue has even expanded our cultural experience rather than limited it. It’s just different but sometimes more immersed with the locals rather than following the typical tourist trails.

It does sound as though the grandparents are more in the seen and not heard era for kids - a lively 5 year old boy does not fit into that mould and if they haven’t adjusted their expectations to meet that then they are clearly going to be disappointed which is sad.

Course it’s okay. You say that it’s literally every short break with the GPs… okay but the other 90% of their lives I bet is child focused.

Not your child, not your business tbh. It's important to teach kids they're a part of a family and family means compromise. You can't always/solely get what you want.
I'm sure these parents take the kids to also playgrounds and kids' activities (I've never met parents who don't) but they clearly don't want their holidays to be only about swing sets and sand boxes.
If your parents whinge to you about the lack of time with the grandkids, encourage them to speak to the parents directly. This really has nothing to do with you.

Slightly confused as to why you’re so worried. He’s their son so surely for them to worry about. Maybe at some point they’ll change what they do. However, it is normal for mum’s to want to spend time with their side of the family mostly.

I think you can make an effort to make these places more interesting for children. Set them a photo challenge and lend them your phone to take five pictures of something blue. Bring some art materials and challenge them to draw something they find interesting. Have some horrible history type facts ready that will bring it to life.

I think factoring in a museum visit is important for variation but it wouldn't be what we exclusively did. I must admit, I do plan our holidays / weekends around what the kids would be happy with. But my dad wasn't in my life growing up, and my mum never did anything for me/with me so that has coloured my parenting. Whilst my friends were at the zoo / safari park / days out to parks my mum was taking me around Marks and Spencer and to watch films she wanted to see in the cinema.

It sounds fine to me. It also sounds like whoever is informing you about this (your DM?) is a bit jealous. Unless your DNephew spends all day every day with these grandparents only going to cultural things, it’s not a problem.

Also, apart from the cultural interest, it will be teaching him patience and empathy. All sounds good to me.

This.

So what, though? Holidays are mostly for the benefit of adults. When I had DS I didn’t magically want to start taking bucket and spade beach holidays or going to Disneyland.

This thread will probably split a lot of people.

Our holidays 100% revolve around our children, we have fun watching them and giving them a nice childhood - it’s what it’s all about and is a reward seeing them happy with all the hard days you have as parents!

Anyone saying they need to learn to act - yes true but this also comes naturally with age, there will be a time when they grow up and enjoy museums/cultural places so we will take them when it becomes more age appropriate…5 definitely isn’t there yet lol.

Kids seem to be growing up waaaay too fast now, they act 15 at 10 so I will cram as many memories in that time as possible

Yes, well said - so much implicit judgement in this thread!

I always thought “it’s good for kids to be bored” meant it was good for them to be bored at home where they could draw, read, play with toys, use their imagination, and generally make their own entertainment. It’s pretty hard to exercise your creativity in a situation where you are supposed to be being entertained.

Update, so DM told me part of the reason they went to this university city is so that SIL could work for a few hours or a day (she gets paid on mat leave for doing the odd day’s work). I’m not judging her at all for this but can now see why she’s chosen there for a short break.

For those saying it’s none of my business and my DM is jealous. DM is not jealous of this, she just knows as an ex teacher how much value children get out of these trips (or not). To a pp who said kids are encouraged to grow up too quickly, this is exactly the case with DNephew who’s almost 6 going on 16. In one way it’s great that he knows certain words and even to an extent what they mean. But he is his age. In my opinion you can’t get enough play time but then I was of the generation where you could play out in the streets. He’s great but eg walking along a wall he’ll worry if he falls whereas me at that age would be wall, fall, whatever!

I “dragged” my kids to museums etc when they were little. We always included the children’s activities in our day. My sixteen year old and a couple of friends took themselves to the V&A a few weeks ago and are planning a trip to the Tate after exams. I’m sure if I’d have instilled the idea that museums are boring when they were a kid this wouldn’t have happened. The trick is to balance the day, but not avoid it.

This is partly what I mean. We went to an interactive dinosaur exhibition at a local museum recently which was very sensory overload in the way it was portrayed and DNephew got upset (he’s NT!) and some of the dinosaurs were quite scary even for an adult. Yes there things to entertain him in the exhibition area and even outside it but the main thing he wanted to do after it was run around the park with a huge toy crocodile 🐊 I’d bought him!

He loves being bored at home (if he can help me and DM in our homes even better!) but we can also guide his entertainment there and not have him
in a place where he’s supposed to be enjoying himself and appreciating it at the same time.

In my experience these places cater to children much better now than they used to. They usually have some sort of game the kids can play as they walk around, like spotting all the hidden Easter eggs or Christmas reindeer or whatever. There’s usually an activity sheet and you can be quite engaged with children. But if they’re not bothering with that stuff and just wandering around quietly then I do think that’s a bit rubbish for children. Yes they need to learn not everything is fun for kids blah blah blah but also teaching them about compromise is good. You can split the day by doing the boring stately home tour followed by a trip to the park or something then everyone’s happy.

I'm not a viper. We took our our school kids to museums and national trust places regularly. But of course managed the visits so that we didn't overdo it and they were engaged.

These days out/ mini breaks are the grandparents' too. They're not bottom of the heap in priorities, and don't have to have their day/s spent entirely on child focussed activities.

The only thing they might be doing wrong is not recognising that the grandchild might need physical activity breaks.

You seem very involved.

What does your DB do as a parent?

Honestly, it sounds like your mum is just having a swipe at the other grandparents. Which is really not pleasant of her or something you should indulge.

My DGDs' other grandparents are very different from me and enjoy different things. But she's every bit as loved by them and I don't sit in judgement of their tastes or their style of grandparenting.

I think a mix is good. We dragged our kids round a Roman ruined city on holiday a few years ago and my god the kids moaned and cried and sulked but it was 1 day out of a weeks holiday and me and DH wanted to go.
Sometimes they need to do things they don’t want to. However it’s actually really hard work doing holidays and day trips that aren’t geared towards kids because they moan and sulk and play up and spoil it for everyone. I’m not sure how SIL copes doing non child related activities for her entire holidays. Sounds like hell