Taking children of 5 and under to places they won't enjoy

[Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain]

DB and SIL have a 5 (almost 6) year old DS and a 5 month old. SIL's DP's live at the other end of the country to her so she sees them in the holidays and some weekends.

During these holidays, the DP's sometimes go away with DB, SIL and the DC but usually to cultural places, and on holidays which are often cultural. The cultual places are often for SIL and her DP's who like this a lot. Their DS often gets bored though he does like the odd museum/stately home etc. His grandmother will often complain about DS's behaviour when he's at the cultural places (he behaves very well though generally there). They sometimes but don't often factor in playtime at parks. He'd be much happier with his other grandparents (my DP's) where they take him to playparks and child friendly museums etc or with his other cousins of a similar age where they do lots of outdoor activities.

Do you think it's unfair to drag a young child around to these places when it's obvious they don't enjoy it and get bored?

@Remmy123

why not?

A family holiday is for a family, so adults need to be able to do things they enjoy too. And if it’s walking around historical sites, then that’s what it is.
Kids are learning something when they visit these places even unwillingly.

imagine spending 10 years of your free time ONLY in child oriented places 🤦‍♀️

When I was a child, our family holidays were always like this. Several weeks of multiple museums, churches, etc. a day, with very occasional child-centred activities like going for a swim (so there was some balance!). We learnt to behave appropriately in these settings and understand that not everything in life was about our preferences. I'm also convinced in retrospect that the boredom made us children more imaginative in our play and fostered a close sibling friendship (we would often come up with quiet little games when visiting places). Those holidays also gave us brilliant historical, artistic, religious general knowledge which helped and enriched our learning in school. My sibling and I both ended up going into related degrees and jobs and now love going to these kinds of places on holiday. I didn't always love those holidays at the time, but I recognise now how formative they were and am so grateful for all the interests they gave me as an adult.

@DoughBallss

does it have to be 100% all about the kids though?
treat yourself to something you and your partner want to do! I’m sure you both work hard - it’s your holiday too!

If you don't take kids to museums when they are small they never grow into someone who appreciates them. We have always taken our kids to these places and now they are teenagers they love them. We did have to work at engaging them when they were younger but it has paid off.

If your SILs parents like museums then your SIL is probably dealing with her parents and it's up to your DB to step up and parent his children by engaging them in the displays.

I’m not that involved but both me and DM have helped out a lot with childcare, school drop off and pick up since DNephew was young even having him overnight some nights, and this was often because SIL worked some evenings and some weekends and DB used to work away from home which he doesn’t do now, so we have developed quite a close relationship with him. Since his brother was born last autumn they’re not working like this.

She isn’t having a swipe at the other GPs.

Didn’t you read the part when the other grandma had to look after her grandson last year whilst his mum was in hospital giving birth to his brother (had to stay in and then go back to hospital)? She couldn’t cope with him at all then but I was working and couldn’t get time off and DM was on holiday. She roughly handled and shoved DNephew and spoke about him in really nasty words - DB had to speak to her about this.

When SIL was in hospital when DNephew was about 10 months old and I was staying with them with my then boyfriend over Christmas his grandma had no idea how to look after him or even feed him and I had to take over. This was because she had Nannies for both her DC and went back to work when both were 6-8 weeks old.

So yes I am a bit critical of her especially when she’s unpleasant to DNephew when he’s done nothing to deserve this treatment.

She could retire (she’s working into her 70s, doesn’t need to) and spend more time visiting him and developing a proper relationship with him but she won’t. It’s ironic that before SIL had DNephew she said she’d move closer to them and help out with childcare (never happened but don’t blame her there).

There should be a mix of activities. Kids need to learn that not everything revolves around them. And you can make anywhere interesting if you want to

You do seem to know an awful lot about these trips. Exactly what they do, how much time they spend at the park, how he behaves, how he desperately wishes he was with his better grandparents - your parents - and his cousins who have such happier holidays.

Perhaps your parents should be offering to have him every holiday so he gets a decent childhood?

Alt if you want to raise it neutrally, comment on how you're amazed they get away without half the time in the gift shop / park as it's always your children's favourite part, or suggest some places you enjoyed. How often do you suggest you and your brother go out with all the kids?

Museums are full of things a 5 year old would find interesting. I can't think of any I've visited recently that didn't have dressing up and dinosaurs, weapons, vikings and a toy section to see what mummy and daddy played with. The museum of Scotland in Edinburgh was absolutely packed with families when we went.

When DDs were young, at least on holiday, we only did things they’d enjoy, which were beach/pool/watersports/playgrounds/animals. Because quite frankly dh and I wanted to enjoy our time, too, and we wouldn’t if there were bored children being dragged around ‘culture’.

They enjoyed plenty of more cultural activities when they were of an age to enjoy them. Both have RG degrees, one also has an MA so I really don’t think they suffered, educationally speaking.

BTW under ‘cultural’ I wouldn’t include museums such as the Nat. Hist or others which are very child-friendly.

But that's life. I don't know if you have or would like kids op but if you do, you can't make every choice about them. She's picked a holiday where she can earn a bit of money which will benefit them. Is it Disney land all inclusive? No but it's a break with relatives he'll be able to remember when he's older and they're dead.

It does sound like your Mom is jealous she doesn't get equal access, and it sounds like your brother doesn't have it either - you mention him not being ALLOWED to take DS to see something fun. I couldn't imagine ALLOWING DH to go off to a different part of an activity with our kids! But that's his problem and of your Mom wants to see your nephew more and take him out places, she needs to sort that with DB

So much drip feeding that it’s practically a torrent!

I think his life sounds fantastic and filled with lots of interesting and different experiences with his various family members. What a lucky boy.

Don’t side if always doing the activities children find fun:
they never learn to like other things that you find interesting.

I think it’s restricting for THE CHILDREN to only do what’s children orientated tbh. aAnd they miss out on opportunities.

fwiw my dh has very particular interests. He has always spent a lot of time telling the dcs about it, taking them to see stuff etc… Most if the time the dcs weren’t interested or it went way above their heads (too complex).
Once they became young adults, they realised how much they still learnt. And they are grateful for that exposure (even if it’s still not their cup of tea).

In the case you are describing, the children have plenty of time with other children to play. They have plenty of time outdoors. It’s ok for them to do something completely different when they are with their other grandparents.
(I probably would have incorporated a bit if time at the playground but only because it makes my life easier rather than because I wanted to have something child orientated iyswim)

My 2 year old loves this stuff and actually asks to go to it when asked for a day out - as others say there is so much for children to do. The Ashmolean has lots of Egyptian stuff and craft activities. Plus, parenting is full time so for the one of visit every few months it sounds like a break for the parents too where the grandparents can helps I'm sure they take kids to the park lots too, sounds like those kids have a great life!

Tbh I really dint understand your logic @Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain

You're saying that the child doesn’t get enough time to play but they are rarely going to see that set of grandparents so the endless cultural activities are unusual for him.
Youre saying he is 6 going on 16yo and knows words that few children his age know. But again, he is hardly spending time with them so I doubt this is where it’s coming from.
Youd like the grand parents to do more child orientated activities but those grand parents have physical limitations themselves that will make a lot of those outdoor child activities hard work.
You think not everything should be about the children but at the same time say that the activities the adults are choosing (including your DB btw) are not suitable because they are not what the child likes.
And then you defend the idea that the child is happier when going to see your DP, your dcs etc… because you are child orientated….
And of course we have the drop feed that actually his mum was working in that town anyway.

The reality is that people are different. Some enjoy doing child orientated stuff all day long. Others don’t. That’s parents and grand parents alike.
Some people enjoy being outdoors, others don’t or can’t. And yet again, some enjoy both outdoor and cultural stuff.

Seriously, the only thing to learn from that is that his other set of grand parents do things differently.
Fir the rest, seeing that it’s all based on hearsay and is basically a gossip (my db told my mum who told me…), I dint think you can make any judgement on what’s going on tbh.

Most of these stately home etc have great activities for kids, so if they are bored is that because the adults are not planning around them too? Mine went to NT properties from babies. The promise of cake and a hot chocolate in the cafe usually kept them focused, but there were usually treasure hunt type activities for them to do (or we made them up - let’s count how many pictures on the wall have a dog or a horse in them; how many swords will we see?); Many, such as Hampton Court have dressing up costumes, mazes or nature trails.

I think it sounds as though you/DGPs are not selecting sites that are family friendly and/or ignoring the activities that are child focused and would allow them to run of steam. DGPs, frankly, can go to stately homes anytime, so if there are ones that they really want to see, they can visit without the DGC, surely, and maybe they could mix things up also just take the kids to a farm/play centre from time to time?

If you don’t want him to go, don’t send him. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

So many kids don’t have any idea about culture and it’s a real shame as it’s so important to have some understanding.

As PPs have said, kids need to learn to be bored at times - problems, too many parents think they should be doing something interesting with their kids 24/7, whereas actually, they need to learn to cater for themselves.

If you don’t want him to go, don’t send him. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

It's not her child it's DN.

Other GP have mobility issues and mother partly chose location due to her work. All OP information comes second or third hand and though lens that OP doesn't like other GM.

Maybe Op right and DN is miserable as his parents and other GP picked rare cultural sites with no child friendly bits or don't allow him access to ones there - and thus drag a tried fed up child round sites they have no interest it - surely a chore and punishment by itself.

Not sure why that means everyone else on this thread that did cultural stuff with young kids must automatically be the same and all those kids must have hated it - I know it's changing rapidly but many of these museums and art galleries were free when my kids were young and child aware so actually made for good days out with young kids.

A couple of weeks ago I visited Wisley.
I watched a 3 year scrabble under a bush weeding the under planted flowers as she moved out of reach of her mother. She was still there when I passed back 15 minutes later.
Then there was the 5 years jumping on a low lying tree bough with his mother trilling 'darling don't break the tree, it would be terribly embarrassing'
I saw numerous tantrums too, esp in the shop
Yeah don't take your kids to boring places and expect perfect behaviour.

Mind you, I once took my 7 year old to see David Tennant in Richard II, yes full on Shakespearean Richard II, at the RSC. The DD made it quite clear she hadn't a clue what was going on - at the top of her voice - so we all live and learn 🤭

OP the more of your posts I read the more unpleasant you sound about your feelings for your nephew's other grandparents. (you come across as judgemental over her having nannies, her job, her interests and you seem to put down that she is active because she isn't in the way you feel she should be when your nephew is there)

I had 2 sets of grandparents. 1 you could have fun with and talk with and do all sorts of stuff. The other I was expected to sit quietly and play quiet things.

I grew up learning about both lifestyles and both were valid and I had 2 sets of grandparents who loved and cared about me (and an extra-grandmother too)

If your nephew gets time to run around playgrounds and do stuff he enjoys in other parts of his life. it will not do him any harm to learn that at Grandma and Grandad A we do x and at Grandma and Grandad B we don't.

I would argue if anything it comes across as if your nephew will grow up and appreciate people from very different directions of life and this will only be a strength as he grows.

Weird how you think it’s any of your business tbh. It’s not your child.

I don’t really see what it’s got to do with you? They aren’t your children and it’s not your parents. Museums and such are often free to visit and obviously in bad weather the park isn’t always possible. It’s obviously not all the time, you say they go the park as well.

My son would hate being taken to stately homes etc, I try to add some educational things in that appeal to him- history museum, science museum etc but frankly I find stately home type stuff dull! We do lots of child centred stuff that I also enjoy- zoos, theme parks. He has his “dull” time at home when im cleaning/cooking and he has to entertain self, im
certainly not paying out money for us both to be bored! But also saying that, if there is a group of you out it needs to be something you all enjoy and if we were taking my mum out somewhere that wasn’t for him he would have to suck it up for a bit then we would head to a playground after for him

I think it’s pointless dragging young kids around places they won’t enjoy all the time. There’s no enjoyment for anyone? Kid hates it, adults enjoy it less than they could, because they’re aware of kid hating it. What’s the point?

I took my kids to various different places when they were younger. Sometimes they had to be persuaded at the start, if they thought it would be boring, but I chose venues carefully that I knew they’d enjoy once they’d given it a chance. Other times we went to places they loved straight away.

Now they’re older so DP and I can go to as many places (that the kids would find boring) as we like.

Childhood is very short. Make the most of it before they only want day trips with their mates.