Taking children of 5 and under to places they won't enjoy

[Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain]

DB and SIL have a 5 (almost 6) year old DS and a 5 month old. SIL's DP's live at the other end of the country to her so she sees them in the holidays and some weekends.

During these holidays, the DP's sometimes go away with DB, SIL and the DC but usually to cultural places, and on holidays which are often cultural. The cultual places are often for SIL and her DP's who like this a lot. Their DS often gets bored though he does like the odd museum/stately home etc. His grandmother will often complain about DS's behaviour when he's at the cultural places (he behaves very well though generally there). They sometimes but don't often factor in playtime at parks. He'd be much happier with his other grandparents (my DP's) where they take him to playparks and child friendly museums etc or with his other cousins of a similar age where they do lots of outdoor activities.

Do you think it's unfair to drag a young child around to these places when it's obvious they don't enjoy it and get bored?

People are missing my points. I don't think he should go to farms and soft plays all the time - in fact he rarely goes to soft plays.

He is a boisterous child who likes spending time with his cousins - who live near his grandparents (SIL's parents). That's what I meant, he likes doing other stuff.

The reason I wouldn't take my DC to places like this is because he would be a pain in the arse and I'm not prepared to say "no!" and "don't do that!" 20 million times.

If they're prepared to put the work in to make him behave, kudos to them. It was probably easier in the days when it was ok to wallop children so they'd stay silent out of fear.

Why don't they ask SIL to swap her DC for a more compliant model?

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain

Oh yes forgot tours of the cathedrals of Europe - kids loved the gold in particular.

I agree with you OP.

I actually booked tickets for him and went with him to see Shakespeare (forgot which) at Regent's Park Open Air Theatre last summer.

He's been exposed to lots of classical music, not opera (his other grandfather likes that) in his time too. And yes, lots of NT places do have good playgrounds, ones near us which are good are Chartwell, Igtham Mote and other places. His parents have a Royal Palaces pass which includes Hampton Court etc for the year. So he's not devoid of culture at all.

He's actually really good. No walloping needed. He has 'privileges' now which are granted or taken away due to behaviour, sounds worse than it is, but works for him.

Thing is while they may find it boring as a child, they also develop interests.

FIL dragged his kids round German baroque churches every holiday.

Now as adults one of them is interested in German baroque churches and another has happy memories of the hideous mummified bodies covered in jewels they all contained.

I think it's important to understand children's needs and abilities in this scenario and these vary with different children.

Some children will be interested in attending 'cultural places' for long period of time, some will hate every second, some will be okay for a period of time.

It also depends on the adults around them - their enthusiasm and also if they have some consideration for the children or they just expect them to cope.

I have a problem with adults who decide to go to somewhere that is boring for the children, stay for too long and then either expect the children to be grateful for this or even get annoyed at them for lack of enthusiasm.

I do not expect children to behave better than adults. Most adults would not be keen on going somewhere they had little interest in for long periods of time and where people expected gratitude for the 'lovely treat' or to fake interest.

Well said.

To be fair, they're off to Ireland I think next half term. DB was debating whether to take him to see Oliver Plunkett's head in Drogheda and then decided that DNephew would love it (he's into gore).

This is exactly what I mean! Thank you.

They quite literally spend hours wandering around, looking at the cultural bits and taking a long time as grandmother is slow walking (she has a bad back) and grandad is in an electric wheelchair, not doing things he (DNephew) would like, and then it's only 30 minutes or maybe an hour for DNephew to do children's bits, when they've been there easily 2-3 hours. DB isn't even allowed to take DNephew to the bits he does like but he's said that on this trip he's done that now once and they met up later.

I credit my grandchildren with having intelligence and curiousity. I take them to playgrounds and zoos, but also to archaeological sites and museums. I'm taking them on holiday next month and will follow the pattern I set with my own children when they were young - each individual gets to choose an activity, we all go along, and nobody spoils it for the others. That way, we all get to share each others' enthusiasms and interests.

I don't really see where you're coming from. You say in places that you yourself do museums and NT but don't think the GPs should have culture-based holidays in case the 5-y-o gets bored. In other words, stick to the narrow range of activities a 5-y-o will definitely enjoy, rather than expose him to something new. How very boring!

You seem to be expressing your dislike of how your SIL parents and how her parents act as grandparents by claiming that you and your parents know so much better what your nephew likes, you sound weirdly possessive over a child that’s not yours.
i think you need to butt out, they are hardly abusing him by taking him to “ cultural places” so he gets a little bored for a wee while, it’s not the end of the world.

OK. Last Easter when they went to Amsterdam. It was mostly focussed entirely around what the grandparents wanted to see and do, not DNephew. One of the reasons why SIL and DB go on these holidays is to help grandad (SIL's DF) as he's a paraplegic and grandma (SIL's DM) usually cares for him, so it's a rest for her.

Nothing you describe sounds remotely problematic to me.

I meant that I didn't think the holidays should be entirely culture based. Having said that, last summer they all went away together but separated half way through, I joined them with my then boyfriend and we were in France for a while (Normandy and Brittany) before I went to my own DP's holiday home in SW France. And then it was beaches as well as culture.

So you are fine with him going to stately homes and museums, as long as it is with you and your parents and not SIL’s parents?

Not just me saying this though, my DM says it. And see what @Womblingmerrily says, different children have different needs and abilities in these scenarios.

Like I said they expect DNephew to wander for 2-3 hours around a museum whilst they stop at every exhibit. That would test most people's patience, let alone a 5 year olds!

Where we go we are out far more and near playparks. Where they go they aren't as they don't like it. They prefer inside and seeing all the exhibits.

This is true for some, but not for me. My DF forced us to traipse round ruins and battlefields for hours on end when we were kids and I've not voluntarily been to any since - there was never any accommodation for things we might actually have been interested in and DF would not leave until he was completely done with absolutely everything which was long after any interest or curiosity we might have had for whichever place was gone. Same for opera - I still can't stand it as an adult after being forced to listen to it for hours in the car as a child/teen.

I don't think it is unfair. Life is a combination of things you enjoy and things you don't enjoy. Kids who learn this early on are more likely to grow up into well-balanced and resilient adults.

It may well test his patience, but that doesn't mean it's a problem!

I'm not keen on the 'MY children/grandchildren are curious and intellectual and just love museums and opera' which infers superiority to other (more usual) children who enjoy running round and sliding down slides.

Being bored at home is one thing - the child is in an environment which they have some control over. Being bored in a place where they cannot exert any choices at all - even if that is just sitting outside because they are overwhelmed/tired/had enough is entirely different, and I think unfair

You seem to know an awful lot about their family days out down to the timings.

However your newest update that the grandparents need support to enjoy activities and that Nephew gets to do all sorts of things with other family members makes far more sense. It's still not problematic in anyway but these are days out for the GPs as they can no longer do these things alone and DNephew is there with his parents helping them and spending family time together so that the GPs still have a good quality of life regardless of their struggles. If they have health issues then they may well not be around when DNephew is older and these may well become cherished memories for him and why shouldn't they do the things they want and see the world in the way that they want. Your DNephew has two parents and one can always take him to a park etc if they felt it necessary.

Yep. Children need to learn about all kinds of things. Including boredom.

I HATED going on country walks as a kid. I HATED foraging with my mum. I just wanted to stay home and watch cartoons.

Now? I crave country walks and LOVE foraging. If I'd not done these things as a kid, I'd not have a frame of reference for them. I matured and learned how valuable these things were. As a dumb kid, I just didn't understand the value. I'm glad my mum dragged me out and taught me about the natural world around me.

Kids are dumb. We need to fill their brains with rich culture for them to develop.