I was an absolute twat for saying this wasnt i?

[Timbucktwo98]

I was at the house of a school mum. I've known her and the 2 other women for about 3 years, friendly but not close friends.

For context, I have a mortgage and they rent. One of the womens brothers is moving house. I said 'is he buying or just renting?'.

As soon as I said it I wanted to ram the word just back into my stupid mouth. Why that came out I've no idea.

I got a sharp reply back 'yes he's just renting' with accompanying eye rolls.

I can't stop replaying it.

The OP has already talked about what was playinig in her mind and it is a very common thought/question in the UK that may or may not be commonly verbalised depending on the context.

I can’t see anything in your words to be honest and I’m overthinking type. For quite a while I was answering myself “we are just renting” meaning that what we could do with the house was limited, we were not the owners.
In your conversation I would use “just renting” again meaning that the range of issues this person covering during the move was different and less than when someone was buying.

Reasonable question, he could have been buying it, people do.

Honestly yes a bit clumsy but easy to do and we're human, don't beat yourself up, we've all said worse.

I don't think so, I don't think it's 'looking down' on renting it's just a much much bigger deal if you are buying so a different process.

I can see that OP didn't mean anything but, personally, I would have been upset at that comment because I used to own my own house and now I dont - and I am ridiculously sensitive about it. But I know that's my problem.

OP, it sounds like it was a genuine mistake on your part. The important thing is to try & learn from it & make a conscious effort to be more mindful in future. And it sounds as though that’s exactly what you are doing. No need to beat yourself up, we are all human.

I think there is a lot of sensitivity around housing and that’s hardly surprising given we are in the midst of a serious housing crisis. I think people have the right to feel sensitive about it, particularly as a person can now work a full-time job and still find themselves unable to afford adequate housing. This isn’t a personal failing, it’s a societal one.

Many people can work as hard as they like and still be unable to afford a safe, secure, affordable home. They’re not doing anything wrong. But huge deposits, ever increasing house prices and stagnating wages present huge hurdles. Many people who bought a home 20 - 30 years ago simply wouldn’t be able to today in the same circumstances. We’re really letting people down, particularly those aged 45 and under. They deserve the same security.

In the U.K. we are too wrapped up in the value of homes. The value is pretty irrelevant if it’s the only home you own & need to live in. Homeowners appear to be unwilling to accept any reduction in the ‘value’ of their homes. Until that changes, the problem is only going to get worse.

Our short sighted governments are also missing a trick. With far fewer home owners the tax payers bill for housing benefit for renters will increase significantly in years to come. Rent doesn’t stop at retirement age or when someone becomes too ill to work. Poor wage growth will also see the housing benefit bill soar as housing costs need to be subsidised. Additionally, renters won’t have homes to cover the costs of care. They will still get care, as they do now. But homeowners and the tax payer will have to stump up more cash to cover that increase too.

This is a ticking time bomb that no one wants to acknowledge. But it’s coming, in the next 20/25 years as generation rent become too ill to work or hit pensionable age. Whichever comes first.

Nobody can say they weren’t warned!

I really don’t get the issue moving house is a much bigger deal when you are buying a house as opposed to renting. The stress of being in chains, trying to sell your house etc. You would be having a different conversation about buying a house then you would someone moving into a house.
The person who said not being able to afford their rent was the same as not able to afford mortgage - it’s not I’m afraid. Yes they are both bad but having your house repossessed and or desperately trying to sell it to avoid that is not the same as having to move into a cheaper rental.

She was only trying to make conversation. No one was dying to find out what he was doing 🙄

@Wantosleep39 well, yes, obviously. Doesn't mean it's not a strange thing to ask though.

Woah, that’s a lot to deduce from the OP’s question and some people thought she was over-thinking 😂

Could have been worse md...? e.g.

...Oh? ..is he moving near..? = yes i fancy your hot brother
...he's not moving near here...? is he..?? = i have enough of your family already
...well, moving off the streets is a truly great thing = your family are trash

You did pretty well really.

tol

K x

Easily done, everyone's done it. Forgive yourself, move on.

I would interpret the "just" as buying = long term plan, renting = short term plan. But I realise that for many renting is long term

If you realise that for many, renting is long term then it makes no sense what you said?

What I mean is that through my own lens, renting suits shorter term plans so that would be my immediate interpretation. But the eye roll from the friend would have made me rethink.

Oh! I'd be kicking myself over this. It would keep making me cringe. But really it is nothing. You didn't mean anything by it. Were you not just asking if it was a temporary or more permanent move?

When I was renting… I have definitely said to people that I was just renting. But I guess the issue is that she seemed offended by it. I would probably drop her a text and just explain that you didn’t mean to cause offence.

I think anyone taking offence is over sensitive!!
obviously the just can be interpreted as whatever they want… I’d have said straight away though ‘sorry i
didn’t mean ‘just’ as a negative!…

I don't get the issue here.

Perfectly normal thing to say/topic of conversation. I've asked and been asked the question more than a few times, mostly in the context of home improvements/up-sizing/moving different places. Buying gives security and you can do what you like with the house. Renting gives flexibility.

You're not the problem, OP.

OP, I rent and many of my friends have mortgages. I wouldn't have thought anything of it.
If it makes you feel better, I am still cringing over this dick move three weeks on: I was stuck in a queue of traffic, about four cars back from an electric car clearly in trouble and rolling along at 10mph. Nowhere for them to pull in, just one of those things. At some point I was almost stationary and decided to get my lip balm out of my hand bag on the passenger seat. In doing this I accidentally leant on the horn for a really long time. I must have looked like such an arsehole.
Hope that makes you feel better x

Would take note of how it made you feel as well as how it obviously made them feel - and stop using words such as "just" or "only"... they make it seem like you are either talking yourself down, or pissing on someone's chips. (Whatever the innocent intent).

This is exactly me, in a WhatsApp group of 8 women, close for nearly 20 years. I’m getting more and more socially awkward, everything I seem to say on it is taken in the wrong content or ignored like I’ve made massive faux pas’ but others say things to each other so blunt and sarcastic yet everyone laughs.
It’s got to the point I write something, leave it unsent, mull it over for 20 minutes, panic and then don’t bother sending it. Then I worry they’ll see me as distant for not saying anything.