I was an absolute twat for saying this wasnt i?

[Timbucktwo98]

I was at the house of a school mum. I've known her and the 2 other women for about 3 years, friendly but not close friends.

For context, I have a mortgage and they rent. One of the womens brothers is moving house. I said 'is he buying or just renting?'.

As soon as I said it I wanted to ram the word just back into my stupid mouth. Why that came out I've no idea.

I got a sharp reply back 'yes he's just renting' with accompanying eye rolls.

I can't stop replaying it.

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator - I think your comment is rather an overstatement! The OP put it a bit clumsily but without any ill intent.

But there is a massive difference between having to sell your home to buy another place and moving from one rental to another. When we had to sell our last place to move our chain collapsed more than once and things were very uncertain for over a year. Meanwhile my brother who rents just gives notice and moves when he feels like it (not saying that's everyone's situation).

Next time you see her you could apologise. Then it's water under the bridge.

Why? What word would you have used?

That is nothing. You aren't a twat. Don't spend any more time thinking about it, because apologising or second guessing yourself is pointless. Apologising would make it seem like you did mean something unkind by it. Second guessing yourself will probably make you more socially awkward until you really are making gaffs.

You were clumsy, nothing else. People shouldn't be so
touchy.

I certainly wouldn’t have taken offence, when we moved to a new area I’m sure I said we were “just renting” to start with until we found our feet.

I made some flippant comment about my husband getting a worse GCSE result than me in the presence of friends (it’s funny because this subject is the basis of his profession and I am definitely worse at it) My friend reminded me what her result was in this subject and I felt like a slight twat. But she wasn’t bothered because she knows I’m not actually a twat but I am a bit clumsy. If she’d dumped me
as a friend because of it then I think that would’ve just shown we weren’t really compatible as friends.

same here. join the foot in the mouth brigade OP

I'm cringing for you 🙈 I say things like this without thinking and then dwell on it foreverrrr. But please remember, they will not think on it as much as you will! Try and let it pass. About 4 years ago I was talking to a neighbour who is severely visually impaired, and actually said "like the blind leading the blind" about something. As soon as I'd said the words I wanted the ground to swallow me up! I apologised immediately and he laughed it off but I still physically cringe when I remember it (very frequently!). Am hoping in ten years or so I can forgive myself.

I agree. It's like "only" "just"
I'm just saying.
Different to I'm saying

I wouldn't be offended by it, but I think it's a totally weird thing to ask. Why would you care whether your friend's brother is buying or renting the house? Do you even know him? I know I'm slightly missing the point as it was the "just" that was the problem.

Oh god, don't apologise unless they bring it up. You're just dragging it out, it will have all been forgotten about. You will feel like a twat even more after bringing it up again.

Agree we have all said silly things and it's not the worst thing you can say at all. Try to forget about it. It's awful when your mind plays over things like this. I'm sure they're not still thinking about it.

This, because otherwise you do sound judgey or smug.

Agree - this is how I read the comment in the OP.

Yes you were, but I could easily have said it myself.
The 'just' would relate to the typically shorter term financial commitment of renting vs buying, rather than an indicator of a person's social status.
But I'd feel like a dick too.

Honestly it's not that bad OP. It looks worse because you have highlighted it to us by writing it down out of context, but I doubt I would even have noticed. (I myself am "just renting".)

Try not to worry about it too much. Hopefully they will forget about it too.

I would have interpreted your sentence also in terms of permanence/commitment. (For context, I am a house owner who tends to rent the house we live in at any given moment. The house we own is always rented out.)

But they clearly didn't. So I would say something next time. "I asked you whether DB was buying or renting. I meant to ask whether he intended to stay there long term, but I could tell from the way it come out that you might have though I was asking about his finances. I am sorry it came across that way."

And then don't dwell on it.

It's reasonable enough to give you the benefit of the doubt, and you shouldn't let social anxiety come into it any more than necessary.

It happened

Move on

We own our house. Whenever I think about moving (approximately every other day), I wish we were just renting!

Maybe I’m a bit on the spectrum but I don’t get what the problem is.

Look at it like this.
People need to be told honestly and most will be careful next time.

If the OP was told that by a friend, it may hurt. But coming from strangers on a forum, honsty is even more important and therefore, IMO, it will register better with OP and they wont make the same mistake

Mum always said, before saying anything, think, then open your mouth as once out you cant take it back

Shows what you think of people who rent. Yep. You should feel bad.

Oops, yes. In future remember no one minds if you just say “sorry that came out wrong”- we’ve all been there. But let it go now, these things. Happen.

This!

I really wouldn't apologise after the event, but if anyone brings it up or you're feeling vibes, then use the above!