I was an absolute twat for saying this wasnt i?

[Timbucktwo98]

I was at the house of a school mum. I've known her and the 2 other women for about 3 years, friendly but not close friends.

For context, I have a mortgage and they rent. One of the womens brothers is moving house. I said 'is he buying or just renting?'.

As soon as I said it I wanted to ram the word just back into my stupid mouth. Why that came out I've no idea.

I got a sharp reply back 'yes he's just renting' with accompanying eye rolls.

I can't stop replaying it.

The thing is buying a house is a huge thing - not least with the ridiculous cost of housing. Renting is 'just' renting. Nothing wrong with it but not the huge life event or commitment that buying a house is.

I’m pretty sure I could easily say something like this without meaning to be offensive. Most of my friends though would be faux-offended and laugh it off ‘Oh really? JUST renting? How dare you?!’ and they would laugh and so would I, and I’d say ‘Oh God, I’m cringing at myself, that isn’t what I meant!’ And then everyone would just move on. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don’t beat yourself up OP.

Are you going out for dinner or just getting a takeaway?
Are you wearing a dress or just jeans?
Are you married or just living together?
Have you got kids or is it just the 2 of you?

Some things are bigger / more involved than their simpler alternatives. The word just is fine! They were being oversensitive if they were offended.

Oops! It was only a minor slip though OP, I wouldn't stress.

She did it by mistake and is beating herself up about it for no good reason. Perhaps you get upset at very minor things that other people wouldn't give another thought to but try not to make the OP feel worse than she does. It's not very kind.

It's a very rude question anyway and one I've only ever heard in the UK. 'Are you buying or renting?' I don't know why people feel entitled to ask, what is it to them? Do they want to know your bank balance as well?

I would have assumed you were talking about the commitment. Taking out a mortgage and buying is a bigger deal in that sense than renting (I’ve done both and am currently renting).

So o don’t think it’s an awful thing to say at all. People will read what they want into it.

Please don’t feel sad. You sound lovely and the right friends will take you as it’s meant!

I'm not trying to make her feel worse. I was just saying yes it wasn't the best thing to say.

Are you prone to dramatics at all?

💯 this

I wouldn’t be insulted at all by that question x

When we say 'just' something, we don't always mean it in a derogatory way. I know I don't. It's almost like a turn of phrase.

Agree. Really not a big deal IMO. Relax and try to enjoy your evening OP.

"Entitled to ask?" 😂
There's nothing wrong with making conversation and as PP have pointed out, renting IS "just renting" compared to the commitment and complexities of buying a house.
As a lifelong renter I would not be offended being asked that question. You weren't rude at all but your friends were, rolling their eyes and huffing. They are clearly bothered and feel inferior perhaps, hence getting touchy over such an innocent question. I wouldn't be kicking myself, I'd be re-considering the friendship tbh.

It is an odd turn of phrase though. Just renting implies that it's inferior. Like at work, if you say 'so and so is just part time'. No need for the extraneous word, but it does indicate a bias.

Maybe apologise to her?

'Conversation' isn't supposed to refer to people's financial decisions or circumstances though @MoodyMargaret11 but to each their own, I guess.

No it doesnt indicate bias at all, don't read things into something that wasn't there. The OP has told us what was going through her mind.

The problem with things today is that people only judge words and use their own bias to interpret them. They dont judge the words and also the intention of the person actually saying the words. Important I think.

Oh, I’ll get back in my box then, if I can’t have an opinion. 🙄

I think we all make slight mess-ups and assumptions if we talk a lot with friends, and people who are nice and genuine friends won't jump on that because they would know you are just making conversation. If people are looking to be offended, then there will always be something they can latch on to. I wouldn't have found this annoying at all, but I wouldn't have replied 'yes, JUST renting' and rolled my eyes anyway because that's doubly rude.

I would stick with one other person if you want to make friends, a three can be quite a difficult number and lends itself to one person being a bit left out and then the others exchanging glances, which is so rude, I never do that if I'm in a three.

It was a mistake/slip of the tongue, I think some of the comments here are harsh

People say things without thinking a lot

Now don't overreact....

It’s not that bad: move on OP, you hardly punched someone in the face.

I don't get why anyone would be bothered if someone said 'just renting' maybe because I say it too. People who get their back up over that is highly strung.

Why? It's the same as "do you live here or are you just visiting?" It doesn't mean you think less of visitors if you ask that.