I was an absolute twat for saying this wasnt i?

[Timbucktwo98]

I was at the house of a school mum. I've known her and the 2 other women for about 3 years, friendly but not close friends.

For context, I have a mortgage and they rent. One of the womens brothers is moving house. I said 'is he buying or just renting?'.

As soon as I said it I wanted to ram the word just back into my stupid mouth. Why that came out I've no idea.

I got a sharp reply back 'yes he's just renting' with accompanying eye rolls.

I can't stop replaying it.

The 'just' is just a slip of the tongue, because really people think it's lesser to rent than to buy. I think that generally people who rent are no less interested in keeping a roof over their heads than people who buy. I don't understand this whole level of responsibility difference. Yes you can move on if you don't like a rental but so can you if you've bought. You know, you just sell and move on, I've done it, what's the problem?

If I was these women i wouldn't give it a second thought.
It sounded like you were interested in the conversation.
I'm sure I say worse things everyday 😂
Don't worry about it x

Yep it was twattish. These things happen. The only thing to do if you say something like that again is apologise immediately, sincerely and briefly. Friendships survive poorly chosen words.

I wouldn't be bothered by your question. It's not at all offensive.

Do you feel that you have to rehearse everything in your head with these people? It may be that you need to find friends more suited to you.

Yes OP I have to say you did sound like a twat. I would never question whether someone was renting or buying when they mentioned moving house. You obviously subconsciously think renting is less than buying with the ‘just’ as a PP said. Why ask? The act of moving house is the same stress whether you rent or buy, packing, sorting out utilities, moving stuff in a van etc.

There is a mentality in the UK, obviously from the class system that is still alive and kicking especially on MN, that tenants are feckless scumbags and lower class than owner occupier/landlords.

We noticed it very clearly when we sold our house here, moved abroad then came back and had to rent for a few years. It was quite shocking to experience it actually. Neighbours telling us we couldn’t park near our house because we only rented and they owned their home so their visitors should have first dibs, another neighbour taking down the adjoining garden fence with nothing said beforehand to start building an extension. I came home from work to find their builders in my garden trampling plants I’d put in and they left loads of bricks, cement dust and polystyrene all over the garden. Neighbour said it didn’t matter because we only rented! Another neighbour blocking our drive and it was not an issue because ‘you don’t own the house’!

If these friends of yours have been made to feel lesser because they rent, it’s not wonder they rolled their eyes and probably do think you’re a twat tbh.

I wouldn’t worry too much, I’m sure they’ll have forgotten it by next time you see them, unless they’re looking to be offended in which case you’re better off without them anyway.

OP don’t be hard on yourself. I once made a similar comment about someone being ‘just a stay at home mum’ I didn’t mean anything by it and neither did you. Your friends clearly feel conscious about the fact they are renting and projected that on to you. Xx

Excellent post and in hindsight, the friends may be feeling like you

The bottom line, you was not being nasty, you noted it, you felt bad. This just shows you are caring as many would not have given it a second thought.

I rent and I'd say it the same way, it's less of a pain moving into a rental so I can see why you'd say 'just' if you're talking about moving house and the process. No solicitors or chain, simpler.

I wish my mum would engage her brain before talking, my bf met my family and sil's family at Easter and my mum decided to start telling me (and everybody in the room) about a broadband service that's only for people on benefits so I should apply! I do not talk about my finances to bf or brother and his family. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. She says the maddest stuff to fill the silence, asked my Irish bf if they celebrate bonfire night, asked him if he's catholic or Protestant. Just unnecessary stuff. My dad asked my brothers Brazilian/german gf at the time if her family were nazis. I can't cope with them near new people.

Ugh I did something similar just the other week. Talking with a very good friend about a mutual acquaintance's son. She thought he was at uni and I said 'no he quit in the first year and is working for his father - it's no problem to drop out if you can just get handed an easy job by your dad he'd never get on his own'. To a woman who's son was handed a job straight out of school by her husband that he'd never have got on his own 🤦🏻.

To me, this doesn't seem an awful thing to say, I can easily imagine myself saying the same 'is he buying or just renting'? - with no emphasis on 'just'. It could be about a temporary or more permanent move. We've most of us rented at some point in our lives.

OP, you should like a lovely person, and definitely someone I'd like to be friends with - this is just the sort of thing that I would say, and then make worse by apologising effusively! I saw it more as the word 'just' implying something more temporary than buying.

I think you are selling yourself short when you say you probably stank of desperation. You are clearly a kind person who means well - they'd be lucky to be friends with you. Give yourself a break.

Eye roll.

I wouldn't worry about it. I rent and I'm pretty sure I've told people I'm just renting. It's pretty minor in the scheme of things.

There are problems with our society’s attitude towards home ownership and the concomitant snobbery, but your comment clearly just rushed out and you don’t mean anything by it. Don’t worry about it.

If you're not comfortable around them then they're not the ones for you anyway. I only make stupid gaffes like that when I'm uncomfortable and therefore trying. When you find your people you'll be comfortable around them and feel at ease.

Renting is a simpler and faster process than buying a house. For that reason I would also have used the word just.
But yes I see why you regretted it.

Agree. I found the obsession with property striking. But I think it's because the rental market was (and is) so ridiculous.

God if they judge you on this, then they aren't friends worth having!!

Go big or go home. Next time someone is buying say,
"Cash buyer or just a mortgage?"
You will soon get a rep as the unapproachable ice queen.

I'd see "just renting" as in its less commitment so just trying it for size. Renting feels more flexible to me so I'd say something stupid but with a totally different reason behind it.

I have three sons then a daughter and I once said to someone "if I had her first, I'd not had any more"

What I meant was "dd is a nightmare, my sons are angels"

But what came across was clearly " I hate boys, my dd was the prize"

It never, ever, ever entered my head. Not everyone gets me and that's OK. I know I mean well ( unless your my fiesty dd of course)

It was somewhat insensitive but you're hardly Hyacinth Bucket. I had an obnoxious, graspingly materialistic ex-SIL who used to say things about our 'little house', 'small rooms' 'old car' and so on. It's the complete and ongoing lack of self-awareness that makes people twats. Don't worry about it.

I wouldn't have found it vaguely rude. Buying is more permanent, renting not necessarily. You were making conversation and showing polite interest, no more.

If we avoided every single topic that might cause offence, there wouldn't be much left to talk about.

I'm a renter and probably always will be. I don't see a problem with what you said unless you used a really derogatory tone or something. I wouldn't worry.

Tbh that's probably something I'd say and I rent myself! Honestly I couldn't be around people who nit pick at every word you say