DH has just told me he's going on a lads weekend and won't be here for my birthday

[Yaddayadda89]

I'm really pissed off.
It's not a special birthday, I'll be 44
This year I'm going away with girlfriends for a week abroad. I'm working a second job to pay for this. The week away is not to celebrate (or even near date wise) my birthday.
AIBU to say DH can't go away ? I've said it's only fair he has time away too, seeing as I'm going away.
But on my birthday ?

Or BY HERSELF, amazing. So many women in their 40s spend their time working and caring for children and often aging parents too. Guilt free time off to do nothing productive is so rare.

I'm usually pretty hot on disrespect from DHs but even I think you're being unreasonable here OP.

The worst aspect is you saying if you can't celebrate on the day, then you don't want to celebrate it at all. That's manipulative and brattish and you need to cut that kind of thing out of the way you operate in your relationship. It's a love-killer.

I understand some mild disappointment but as PP say it's incredibly hard to find a date everyone can make for trips with friends. I had to arrange a birthday weekend away with friends nearly a year later because of everyone's commitments.

Unless there's a massive drip feed as in this is part of a series of ways in which your DP shows he doesn't love and respect you then you need to get a grip. Find a date you both can celebrate your birthday and then do something else lovely on the actual day. If you reframe this you can have double the pleasure.

What a load of rubbish, if anything it’s a bit of a shame you have to think back to your last birthday to think of a special day when you were ‘showered with love’. For most couples that should be any time or day, not just on a special occasion where it’s most likely more forced because you’ve set these expectations around ‘special’ days.

The only thing that would annoy me about that was not being told beforehand. My DH would definitely tell me and say that he wouldn't go because it's my birthday - and I'd insist he went. Just celebrate your day another day.

You clearly have an axe to grind with women. It’s not controlling to celebrate the birthday of the person you love and spend your lie with. Most people WANT to be with their wives/husbands on their special days.

I agree!

Let him go! The two events are really not comparable, especially with you going away for a week with the girls. If you stop him he may feel resentful and your birthday will be spoiled anyway, possibly your week away too if this turns into a bigger issue. You’re being quite selfish and making it a bigger deal than a 44th birthday should be.

A group of friends made a date decision- and he has agreed. I don't see adult birthdays as things that need to be an event, sorry. It does sound unreasonable of you to want him not to go.

I don’t but have just pointed out the obvious if this had been reversed. It’s a birthday not something vitally important. A real first world problem.

At 44 you are being ridiculous - if he is going away with friends he might not have had a major say in choosing the date, or it could be the only date some of his friends could get leave.

simply celebrate before or after.

Just move on and do something nice for yourself. Tbf I think opinions will be split based on what you do for birthdays, me personally growing up birthdays were quite quiet, my mum never really bought me gifts so now I’ll maybe treat myself to something but don’t really expect anyone else to. That’s just my experience! End of the day though you are a grown ass woman it’s just another day, do something nice for yourself, you dont need to wait for others to swoop in and do the big surprises anymore

Mumsnet thread #3456235 about a grown adult being ridiculously precious about their birthday 🙄

Enforced birthday fun sounds like a great way to celebrate.🥳
It might make you happier to feel like you got your own way but it’s unlikely the result will be a happy birthday for you.
YANU - celebrate you birthday before or after the weekend away.

I do understand why you’re annoyed, honestly I would be too at first. And it’s easy for me to say because it’s not me in this position, but sometimes when arranging time away with friends there sometimes can only be one weekend/week possible and it’s unfortunate it’s on your birthday. It’s a tricky one but I think you should just try and let it go, and make up for your birthday after or before xx

Absolutely agree.

I steer clear of people who are this precious about their birthday, red flag red flag.

If a friend said to me "Hey we're going to the Maldives for the week, someone dropped out and we have a free ticket it's on blah date, you wanna come" and it meant not being with DP on his birthday I wouldn't even consider it.

It's not just a day, it's the one day a year that exists to show people how important they are, how much they mean to you. You make effort to do something for someone on THAT day even if another would be more convenient becuase that's the point, you are more important to me than convenience, you are more important that a holiday.

But lots of people on mumsnet seem to think that birthdays, Christmas, mothers day etc are all pointless and you should never expect your husbands to pretend to give a shit about you beucase they don't, so just lower your standards and be miserable like everybody else.

I love birthdays but in this circumstance we’d just move to a different day. Dh’s birthday is 29 Feb so only gets an actual day every 4 years so we celebrate a different day on the other years. I think you’re being a bit precious but it does depend a bit how he communicated.

I've always been happy to celebrate events on a different day. Sometimes we just can't celebrate on my birthday so we do it a few days later. That's fine, as long as I have my celebration, I'm fine!
Assuming your birthday weekend was the date they could all do, then I'd be OK with it. If there were lots of other options then I'd find it a strange choice.

“Only on MN are every single birthday a huge event that needs celebrating”

Amen to this. It’s like people don’t realise you can celebrate on any weekend close that’s convenient. Let the man go on his holiday. From reading the title I was expecting this post to be from someone who was late teens 🙄

I have not said to him that he cannot go. I would never tell him what he can or cannot do and vice versa

But your OP asks if YWBU to say he cannot go, suggesting you would tell him.

FWIW I am not arsed about birthdays so wouldn't be bothered by this at all, but if I was, I would 'do' my birthday another day

I would not let my partner miss out on a holiday because of my birthday nor would I expect to miss out on something because of his

I'd just say to him 'well, you'll better make it up to me when you're back' in a honey way and organise a nice birthday without him.

We do make a bit of a fuss of birthdays- gifts, cook nice dinners etc. DH was a bit worried about what I'd think of him going on a golf tour covering my birthday a few years ago (he didn't choose dates). I didn't mind. I went for cocktails with my daughters, and he brought me back something nice from the tour. And we went out another day.