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Original poster

DH has just told me he's going on a lads weekend and won't be here for my birthday

397 replies

Yaddayadda89 · 25/03/2024 00:45

I'm really pissed off.
It's not a special birthday, I'll be 44
This year I'm going away with girlfriends for a week abroad. I'm working a second job to pay for this. The week away is not to celebrate (or even near date wise) my birthday.
AIBU to say DH can't go away ? I've said it's only fair he has time away too, seeing as I'm going away.
But on my birthday ?

OP posts:
skippy67 · 25/03/2024 08:21

Polishedshoesalways · 25/03/2024 06:09

He is really telling you what he thinks of you here op. This is not about your birthday per se, but how little he cares for you.

I would say fine you go, and find somewhere else to live when you get back. I would not tolerate playing second best to a boys weekend of all things, nope.

Edited

Oh FGS!

MrsDoubtfire123 · 25/03/2024 08:23

It depends where you place your priorities. For me I would be very sad … all birthdays are important (regardless if they are ‘big’ ones). In our family birthdays are a big deal and celebrating on the actual day is important to us 👍🏻

2mummies1baby · 25/03/2024 08:24

Yaddayadda89 · 25/03/2024 01:03

I have not said to him that he cannot go. I would never tell him what he can or cannot do and vice versa. I'm just really disappointed that its on my birthday. I had literally made plans for us, nothing booked but I was on the verge of suggesting a posh meal as I had seen somewhere that I really wanted to go to with him.
I just feel that celebrating on a different day wouldn't be the same. I would now rather just forgot my birthday this year as the 1 person I want to spend the day/ eve with won't be here.
DH wasn't involved in the weekend away planning and had no input on the date. It got booked, he got invited.

Edited

In the space of 18 minutes, you went from:

AIBU to say DH can't go away?

to:

I would never tell him what he can or cannot do.

Paperwhiteflowers · 25/03/2024 08:24

HeddaGarbled · 25/03/2024 00:58

So he's meant to miss a whole weekend away with friends just for a run of the mill birthday that can be celebrated another day

His wife’s birthday. You know, that person he’s supposed to care about.

I wouldn’t dream of going away on OH’s birthday special birthday or not but birthdays are pretty sacrosanct in my family. We always celebrate together.

Bollindger · 25/03/2024 08:25

This really is a mindset problem.
You have become fixated on it being your birthday and over egging the day with importance, that he needs to make it a great day for you.
Instead arrange a great day for yourself, what do you like, dinner out is sort of a cope out go to. Not an exciting event.
Could you go on a train ride with a friend, shopping a few drinks.
Go get your hair done , something he would moan about having to wait around for.
Chickflick night in pampering, make yourself happy.

Alwaysgoingforit · 25/03/2024 08:26

Easipeelerie · 25/03/2024 08:20

I wouldn’t try to stop him but I would know more about his priorities - knowledge is power.

WTAF this and polishedshoes.🤔It suggests there are problems in your own relationships and you're both projecting.

Moveoverdarlin · 25/03/2024 08:27

It wouldn’t bother me that much. I’d let him go and celebrate before or after. If it was your 40 / 50th it would be different. But it’s my birthday in a few weeks on a week day in the Easter holidays, so DH is at work, I’m home with 3 children. We’ve said we’ll go for a slap-up meal when they’re back in school and he has a day off.

Pookerrod · 25/03/2024 08:29

If one of my friends said they couldn’t make the date that worked for us all because it was their husband’s 44th birthday, I’d think they were a bit wet.

You’ve organised a week away with your girlfriends, you should know how difficult it is to land on a date that works for everyone.

beatrix1234 · 25/03/2024 08:30

Book a girls weekend out on his next birthday, if he complaints... sorry mate.

loupiots · 25/03/2024 08:32

You should definitely go the restaurant you were thinking about for your birthday, just on another day! This is only a big deal if you make it one.

Viviennemary · 25/03/2024 08:33

YABU. celebrate your birthday the week after. Only on MN is there this silly fuss about birthdays.

LolaSmiles · 25/03/2024 08:35

Birthday threads seem to suggest people fall broadly into 3 camps.

Camp 1: Birthdays must be celebrated on the day. There must be a fuss made. The birthday person must be made to feel special on that day. No other plans should be made because it's birthday person's day. Any suggestion of celebrating a different day or making plans that doesn't centre birthday person will lead to arsey flouncing and strops, probably with a bit of manipulation and guilt tripping about how now they know how little they're valued by their partner/family.

Camp 2: Birthdays are no big deal. Anyone who expects anyone to mark their birthday is a childish. It's demanding and self-centred to want a birthday card. They don't understand why any adult would celebrate something so childish.

Camp 3: Birthdays are a nice excuse to do something with partners/friends/family. It's reasonable to expect a card & present on your birthday itself, but it's not the end of the world if you have a meal out or an afternoon tea on another day close by.

Most people are in camp 3.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 25/03/2024 08:36

Wouldn't bother me at all. We'd just do something on another day. I don't expect my husband or kids to change plans for my virtyif there's something they want to do. It's just a day.

sonjadog · 25/03/2024 08:36

Saymyname28 · 25/03/2024 07:29

If a friend said to me "Hey we're going to the Maldives for the week, someone dropped out and we have a free ticket it's on blah date, you wanna come" and it meant not being with DP on his birthday I wouldn't even consider it.

It's not just a day, it's the one day a year that exists to show people how important they are, how much they mean to you. You make effort to do something for someone on THAT day even if another would be more convenient becuase that's the point, you are more important to me than convenience, you are more important that a holiday.

But lots of people on mumsnet seem to think that birthdays, Christmas, mothers day etc are all pointless and you should never expect your husbands to pretend to give a shit about you beucase they don't, so just lower your standards and be miserable like everybody else.

It's interesting to see how different people are, because to me if someone offered my partner a free ticket to the Maldives and he turned it down because of my birthday, I would be furious. I want him to live a rich life, full of new and interesting experiences and an essential part of our relationship is helping each other to reach them. That to me is so much more important than celebrating a birthday, which comes around every year and which we can move to a near weekend to celebrate.

Wataniya · 25/03/2024 08:38

If DH delivered it as 'really sorry, this is the only weekend we can all get away together, is that alright? We'll do something for your birthday before/after'.

Then I wouldn't be annoyed.

If he told me, like I should just suck it up - then I'd be annoyed.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 25/03/2024 08:40

Having a weekend free of DP making a mess and a noise would be the best birthday present ever, especially followed by a posh meal the weekend after!

Life's too short to be bothered about 44th birthdays not happening on the day.

Nearlyadoctor · 25/03/2024 08:40

Grow up - you’re 44 not 6

Pookerrod · 25/03/2024 08:45

Saymyname28 · 25/03/2024 07:29

If a friend said to me "Hey we're going to the Maldives for the week, someone dropped out and we have a free ticket it's on blah date, you wanna come" and it meant not being with DP on his birthday I wouldn't even consider it.

It's not just a day, it's the one day a year that exists to show people how important they are, how much they mean to you. You make effort to do something for someone on THAT day even if another would be more convenient becuase that's the point, you are more important to me than convenience, you are more important that a holiday.

But lots of people on mumsnet seem to think that birthdays, Christmas, mothers day etc are all pointless and you should never expect your husbands to pretend to give a shit about you beucase they don't, so just lower your standards and be miserable like everybody else.

See now this is where I disagree.

I don’t believe that we should wait for one day of the year to let those we love know how loved they are. This should be a daily occurrence.

We don’t put an awful lot of importance on adult birthdays, adult Christmas presents, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc in this house because we show we love each other and value each other every day.

My DH often books nice meals for us, we go away for lovely weekends, random presents if we see something each other would like throughout the year, random bunches of flowers etc. He brings me tea in bed every morning without fail and we tell each other we love each other every day.

We didn’t do anything for my birthday this year as we were all a bit too busy. Same with Mother’s Day, too much other stuff going on. Didn’t bother me in the slightest.

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 25/03/2024 08:50

Also depends on home circumstances. 3 kids under five it's a no from me. Or if you didn't have friends/family around I probably wouldn't go.

Did you miss the bit where OP said she’s going away for a whole week? These hypothetical children will need to be looked after then too. If her husband can manage for a week, I’m sure she can manage for a weekend.

ShyTed · 25/03/2024 08:54

I honestly wouldn’t mind in the slightest!
I just would not see it as a big deal.
We could go out for dinner or celebrate another time, he’s only going for a weekend so celebrate either the previous or following.
ilI hope you both have a great time on your holidays!

Runnerduck34 · 25/03/2024 08:55

I'm with you OP.
I would be really upset if DH chose to go away with friends on my birthday.
Yanbu to tell him how upset you are.
It's not that he's going away it's the timing.

DinnaeFashYersel · 25/03/2024 08:57

If not a big birthday it wouldn't bother me at all. We'd just celebrate on another date.

diddl · 25/03/2024 08:59

I agree with a pp about how he presented it.

If ha had said that that was when it was booked for & did you mind if he went what would you have said?

Grimchmas · 25/03/2024 09:00

DH wasn't involved in the weekend away planning and had no input on the date. It got booked, he got invited.

If I were him I'd check in with you out of courtesy before conforming with the lads, but I wouldn't expect you to have objected. Different if you already had plans (that you'd communicated and agreed with him) or if it is a big birthday.

You're adults, organise something with your friends on your actual birthday and do the meal you want with him on another day.

ClairDeLaLune · 25/03/2024 09:01

I honestly wouldn’t have an issue with this. I’d check myself into a spa for the day and spend a shed load of money! Then celebrate my birthday with DH on a different day.