DH has just told me he's going on a lads weekend and won't be here for my birthday

[Yaddayadda89]

I'm really pissed off.
It's not a special birthday, I'll be 44
This year I'm going away with girlfriends for a week abroad. I'm working a second job to pay for this. The week away is not to celebrate (or even near date wise) my birthday.
AIBU to say DH can't go away ? I've said it's only fair he has time away too, seeing as I'm going away.
But on my birthday ?

If he’s planned this date it means he wants to go and essentially doesn’t care it’s your birthday.
At 44 aren’t you a bit passed sulking because not everyone can see you blowing out your candles?
As for refusing to ALLOW - wow does this sort of behaviour actually exist?

You're 44 FFS let it go!
Like you said he didn't plan it but by the sounds of your whining you'd prefer he miss out on a boys weekend and spend another birthday with you, again you're 44 not 5!

@Yaddayadda89

You cannot be serious ---- surely.

Ok it’s not great but wouldn’t you prefer that he has fun with his mates? How often do these lads weekends happen? If it’s infrequent then I think it’s be a bit mean to not let him go, even though I too would be a bit disappointed. It’s very petty to not want to celebrate if he’s not there in the day though. Why not let him enjoy his weekend and do something lovely another day?
if he has past form for being putting your needs second then this would be a bigger issue and you need to talk with him about it - this would seem like a good opportunity.

To me it depends how it came about -

"Sweetheart, annual golf trip is being planned it's looking like it's 1-8 Junes so will be over your birthday. Do you mind if I go? Could we do a celebration the Saturday before?"

"I'll be away 1-8th June". "But that's my birthday " "so?"

Also depends on home circumstances. 3 kids under five it's a no from me. Or if you didn't have friends/family around I probably wouldn't go.

Wow, OK, I wasn't aware people still went OTT and celebrated their birthdays in their 40s or even their 30s.

I think I stopped in my early 20s.

It just seems so egotistical to celebrate a birthday when you're a grown adult.

Sure, have some cards, maybe a cake, and go for a little meal, if you feel you must, but anything else? Forget about it.

He should have made you aware of it first out of politeness, but there is no reason not to be able to celebrate it with him on a different day.

My DH once went to footy on my bday, we agreed he’d take me away the following weekend instead.

I once spent a birthday at the office, then going to a hotel by myself. It was the next day i flew to venice with my friends who met me at the airport.

I’m sure there’s something nice you can do on the actual day. He should be offering to celebrate with you a different day though.

See this I don’t agree with.

Life is short, and quite often crap. Taking any opportunity to celebrate is a good thing.

Sit there wearing a dressing gown pining away like a long lost puppy and wailing into some prosecco holding his photo and sobbing that she has been abandoned and the Daily Mail needs to be told (might knock H&M off the front pages, or gasp Kate)

I understand where you're coming from!

I do celebrate Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Day of the Dead etc. even putting appropriate bunting out....but for some reason I can't get excited about celebrating my birthday, nor anyone else getting excited about theirs.

I like proper festivals that appear on the calendar, not Janice in HR's 37th birthday.

And to note, there's nothing more embarrassing than a work birthday either.....shudder.

Trying to get a weekend away with friends can be a complete nightmare to find a date that suits everyone especially if one or more of the group who work weekends. Or if they have kids and a partner who works weekends.

Op I think you just have to chill do something with friends or book a beauty treatment.

Oh just to add, my nephew was ill the day before my DH's birthday.

He didn't have a strop that his dinner had to be moved 24 hours. In fact he suggested it.

Life and all that........

Oh 100% agree with you about work birthdays! Fuck that shit. Forcing you to pretend to care about someone you would not speak to outside the office.

Carry on with life as normal, as a 44 year old woman should.

Maybe meet a friend for coffee, or book a massage, or chill out with a glass of wine and your favourite TV show/radio/music.

It's only for one day, 24 hours - and 8 hours of that will be spent asleep.

Be brave, it can be done!

If a group of people in their 40s have to avoid spouse and childrens birthdays it's going to be hard to find a time to suit everyone.

I actually think that parents should try and avoid being away for kids birthdays but that's kids. Birthdays are important when you are 4.
44 you can be a bit more understanding that trying to get a weekend in the diary for a group of adults is a nightmare.

I'm one of a group of 5, if we were to get diaries out to try and get a Saturday together we'd be at least 6 months time. That doesn't even include anyone working weekends.
Just avoiding the weekends that people are on holiday, or have other events on.

At the end of the day this has upset and disappointed you. It doesn't matter if other people would be fine with it if they were in your position. Everyone puts different levels of importance on these sorts of celebratory dates.

Talk to him and be honest. Better that then letting it turn into a sour note.

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Group holidays are hard to organise to get dates everyone can do. A birthday can easily be celebrated another day.
The meal you were on the verge of suggesting can still happen.
Personally I'd do something really lovely or fun on my own or with a friend, and fancy meal when he gets back. Everyone wins, no biggy.

So he can’t help the date of the trip. You are going away with your friend, he is going way with his? 🤷‍♀️

You haven’t “literally made plans”. You have thought about something you would like to do. That’s not the same thing. You’re acting like a big baby. Birthdays really aren’t that important at our age.

In your OP you mention that you’re going away for a week with your friends and that you’ve had to work a second job to pay for it. Is that the real cause of your anger? Is your husband able to afford to go away without having to work a second job? Or is he using family money? Otherwise, I’m not sure what the significance of your comment is.

I disagree. We’re all trying to give OP some perspective so that she doesn’t go crying to her husband and spoil his fun. She’ll end up guilt tripping him into not going and then he will be angry and resentful.

Neither DH nor I would contemplate going away on the other's birthday. I completely understand why you're upset.

Wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't want my dh to miss out just for the sake of a birthday meal.

Now you sound childish! Just book the meal for a date nearest to your actual birthday!

I think it partly depends what impact it would have on me. If you have young children so you are going to have to do a lot more work over the weekend and perhaps have the hassle of arranging childcare for your job etc then I would be more annoyed that this is also on my birthday, it would go down as a bit of a low point. If you don't have young children/ childcare issues then I would try to embrace it as an opportunity to relax and do whatever you want on the day and then have a bonus day as an official birthday the week before.