DH has just told me he's going on a lads weekend and won't be here for my birthday

[Yaddayadda89]

I'm really pissed off.
It's not a special birthday, I'll be 44
This year I'm going away with girlfriends for a week abroad. I'm working a second job to pay for this. The week away is not to celebrate (or even near date wise) my birthday.
AIBU to say DH can't go away ? I've said it's only fair he has time away too, seeing as I'm going away.
But on my birthday ?

He is really telling you what he thinks of you here op. This is not about your birthday per se, but how little he cares for you.

I would say fine you go, and find somewhere else to live when you get back. I would not tolerate playing second best to a boys weekend of all things, nope.

Op YABVVVU. He didn’t booked the date, his friends did. It’s a birthday and it happens every year.

He doesn’t HAVE to go. One wonders why he wasn’t involved from the beginning. Maybe he is an after thought.

No you’re right, he doesn’t. If the controlling DW tells him not to go……. If this was on the other foot, everyone would be telling her to go, and then LTB.

These are the kind of views I notice in couples that eventually break up - and then also downplay the break up as not a big deal (‘that’s modern family’).

Our philosophy is, celebrate those birthdays, shower them with love, say those words THIS year. Not only are you then living a full, happy life now (instead of ‘one day’ when it’s more convenient or you’re richer or your retired), creating cherished memories, but also have no regrets if life suddenly changed for the worse. If I ever want to smile I usually just need to think back to my last birthday, or my loved ones last birthday, or any recent meaningful date because we always make it special. It’s a great way to live and we have a happier home life than most!

I really don't get the 'you're an adult why do you celebrate birthdays, they are for kids' crap on here. I love me, why the hell shouldn't I be celebrating me for 1 day (same as I do for my daughter and my husband). With an August birthday mine was always overlooked growing up. No parties, everyone was away. Couldn't afford much, had to buy new uniforms etc. So yeah, I make up for it now.

OP, I'd be bloody furious if my DH did this. It is something that is important to you, he should respect that.

It’s not like he planned it to be then, it’s just a coincidence. I wouldn’t be bothered about this but I might milk it a bit and suggest a fancy restaurant/day out/ tickets for a gig or something else a bit indulgent for when he gets back.

Very overly dramatic, 'you don't do what I say has to happen or you leave' a tad controlling or would be if it was reversed of course

Honestly I think it would depend on what you husband is normally like with birthdays and special occasions.

My husband always goes OTT for my birthday, so if one year he was going to be busy it wouldn’t bother me because I know he’d find another way to make me feel special.

If I often felt like my birthday was an afterthought, I probably would feel hurt and like it was a confirmation that he genuinely didn’t care.

So OP, I think it depends what he’s normally like.

Nope. It’s called standards and self respect.

its not a big birthday. Just move it to the next weekend / one before. I wouldn’t suggest someone missed out on a break with friends because it’s my birthday. Maybe if I was 40 or 50, but even then I’d make plans to celebrate the day itself with friends, or just wait. No big deal for me but I know some people are big on birthdays and I’m really not. I feel a bit weird having a day dedicated to me kind of thing, that might be weird, but I guess that’s just how I feel about bdays

Think I would have preferred to know before booking
. Would not have changed the fact that partner would be going though. At 44 I would be able to make arrangements yo mske mu.own day special OP

My husband is often away for family birthdays due to work - he calls, texts and we have a second birthday celebration when he gets back. He also goes away on a boys’ weekend every year - it started around the year we met, so the lads golf tour has been going on 32 years. At times it has doubled as the stag for them - sam group of 8-12 lads-now-dads. Difficult to find a weekend they can all go on that doesn’t clash with work, school holidays and, yes, someone’s birthday.

YABU to expect hime to decline, I think, given it’s not a significant birthday with some major party/family celebration. It’s just a day in the calendar and I’m sure you can do something together when he gets back.

I couldn't get worked up over this.

My boyfriend works in the emergency services so we often have to move birthday/valentines/christmas celebrations to another day.

Have you really gotten to 44 without having to celebrate your birthday on a different day?!

I don't see the big deal unless these trips away are a monthly occurrence or something. It's really hard to find suitable dates for group holidays, adding in partners' birthdays could make it impossible.

It's my 40th today, DH is away with work. I celebrated with my mum yesterday. Today my young DC are very excited to be in charge of giving me my presents, I've booked the day off work, they'll go to childcare so I'll actually get some quality downtime (omg luxury!!) and then we'll have pizza and cake this evening. Then we'll celebrate again with DH in a few days. It's all good. Sure I'd rather he were here but sure that's life, things get in the way.

I certainly wouldn't be preventing him from a rare weekend away with friends for a 44th birthday.

It wouldn't bother me because I know how hard it can be for friendship groups to find dates where everyone is free.

I'd expect DH to talk to me about it, tell me that the provisional weekend is over my birthday and we'd plan something small for my birthday another day.

I'd be annoyed if he went ahead and booked it and informed me he was away.

I find the idea of allowing/not allowing your spouse to do things quite odd. We talk about things as equals, not ask for permission like a child.

I’d be disappointed too. If he came to you and told you the situation and asked how you’d feel and that he couldn’t change the date but would make plans for before or afterwards to celebrate with you, I’d feel he was at least aware. But if he just announced he was going , it would be thoughtless.

Of gosh, where to start!

A spa day
Good long swim
game of tennis
new hairdo
new outfit
new make up
go out/stay in with friends
eat a big juicy steak and drink wine
go for a lovely hoke
visit a cool nearby town
go for a walk on the beach and get an ice cream

I would LOVE a whole day to myself to do what I wanted. That would be the best birthday.

@PrinceLouisWeirdFinger what is a hoke ? Or is that a typo

Anything she likes with one of her holiday friends. She’s not 5.

I think as he had no input in the date I would be ok with it. If he had been a part of the date planning I would expect him to check in with me to see if it was ok before locking it in but that’s because he and his friends alway look for a date that’s everyone is free.

Do you have kids? Are you able to go out for the meal with friends?

I agree that It's nice to do something for birthdays, even as adults.
But surely not everyone can celebrate on their actual birthday? Because of work etc.
Just do something another day!

If you were "on the verge" of suggesting somewhere but hadn't actually suggested it then you hadn't "literally made plans" except in your own head.

Now you're just cutting off your nose to spite your face. Go to thee nice restaurant a few days later. That's a perfectly normal thing to do and the restaurant will be just as nice.

Really? You honestly were not aware that people celebrate their birthdays? You must move in quite unusual circles. I am in my 50s and I make a point of celebrating my birthday.

That said, if my birthday clashes with something that DH has and he cannot move, I will survive without him and wouldn’t want him to miss out.

I dont see an issue with male only female only holidays.
Id be more interested to find out if it was a fuck you, im going too..with the lads, on your birthday !from her partner