DH has just told me he's going on a lads weekend and won't be here for my birthday

[Yaddayadda89]

I'm really pissed off.
It's not a special birthday, I'll be 44
This year I'm going away with girlfriends for a week abroad. I'm working a second job to pay for this. The week away is not to celebrate (or even near date wise) my birthday.
AIBU to say DH can't go away ? I've said it's only fair he has time away too, seeing as I'm going away.
But on my birthday ?

The codependency is strong on this thread! Birthdays are not dependent on a devoted spouse being ever present. Dear God.

Maybe some are. Others just have different ways of being in relationships and prioritise different things. Whatever floats your boat.

Just book that special meal for after he comes back, like you said yourself, he didn't have any say in the dates so hasn't booked it with no consideration to you. You could get the girls together on the day of your actual birthday and do a bottomless brunch or whatever you like to do. That way you get to celebrate twice!! It's not really fair to have a strop over it when you are going away too.

My husband would discuss with me before committing to be away at my birthday. If he really wanted to go he'd probably say so, and suggest we do something really nice together the weekend before or after.

I reckon I'd be ok with that.

But I'd deffo be a bit annoyed if DH just announced as a fait accompli that he'd be away.

Context is everything though isn't it: we usually make an effort to do something really nice together on birthdays. So it'd be a bit of a departure from our usual habits if one of us just binned it off.

Oh jesus. This reminds me of my drama-queen, storm-in-a-teacup, argument-in-an-empty-room mother.

She wants all the hoopla with cake&candles&champagne, dancing, party, guests every time. On milestone birthdays she insists on booked and decorated venue, black tie and the like. Fine. Each to their own.

However, if her birthday is, say, midweek - she expects everyone to drop whatever they're busy with and come to her party. I ONCE dared to suggest waiting for the weekend, so all the people could come, relax, no work next day, etc. She looked at me as if I shat in her Manolos. 'But it's not the saaaaameeeee - stamp stamp stamp - weekend it's not my REAL biiiiirthday!!!!!!!! She was 53 that year.

It's just so fucking pathetic. My 11 year old understands the 'weekend' rule and isn't bothered. But a 53 old woman can't.

Wow, I'd just move the Birthday dinner to another weekend.
Does DH act like this about his birthday.

Does he go away a lot on these lads weekends?

You are going on a girl's week holiday later on.

He had no say in when the weekend was arranged for.

You are being very precious about this. It's only a 44th birthday.

If you had a 50th party planned that'd be different.

What would you do if the posh restaurant you liked was booked out that night?
Would you forget about the birthday because it HAS to be that day and that day only?

Certainly!
I think there is a pressure on posters here to show they are great spouses and I think it might be excessive. It seems men are often happy to accept themselves as medicore while women feel pressured to present themselves and ever generous and forgiving.

This is where you lost me completely. I will never, ever understand why anyone is fixated on celebrating something on one exact date and nothing else will do.

Absolutely. I’m completely on board with adults celebrating their birthdays, but I’m realistic about the form it takes. A few years ago a colleague was horrified that I was at work on my birthday. My reaction was that taking a Tuesday off work when none of my friends would be around to do anything was a complete waste of a day’s leave. I was going to a concert a couple of days later - THAT was a celebration. Similarly, one year there were Tube AND train strikes on my birthday. Yes, it was a bit disappointing to be on my own that night, but I wasn’t going to throw a strop about it when I could just celebrate a day later.

It just a birthday, whether you celebrate on a Saturday or a Wednesday you’re still celebrating. YABU to be upset at the age of 43/44 about this

I celebrated my 40th 2 months early (big holiday to see a total eclipse of the sun) and then a day late, due to holding DD’s birthday party on my actual birthday.

DH went to cycle the north coast 500 on one of my birthdays. I was grateful for the gift of peace and quiet!

I hate this "only on Mumsnet" refrain.

Maybe when we come across something on MN that noone of out acquaintances would do, it just means our social circles don't include every subset of society?

I don't know a single person who employs more than one Nanny, or who is Sikh, or who is has been in prison for life, or votes for Reform, or redecorates their house every year. Pretty sure they exist though...

We have a day out for each person's birthday, every year. Shocking 😁

Why would that be 'shocking'? People are not asking the OP to forget her birthday...just have her day/meal out another day. It's one day, one year. I'm sure her birthday will all be back to normal next year.

It boils down to the idea that you want everyone to rearrange a trip that they've probably found difficult to organise with everyone's schedules because you can't cope with the idea of have ONE birthday where your husband isn't there. It's not even like you can't celebrate on the day, there are a million ways to celebrate a birthday that don't involve going for dinner with your husband, use your imagination.

Their birthdays are in the holidays anyway so that's irrelevant

Course they are. You didn't answer the other question.

Can you only make a partner feel special, wanted and appreciated on their actual birthdays?

I really don't understand why so many people can't just view something from another person's perspective. It's almost like most of the people on this thread have an empathy deficiency

Oh the irony. Where's the OPs empathy for her husband and his friends? It's one day, one birthday that can be celebrated on her actual birthday next year. Why can't it be celebrated before her husband goes away or comes back. She can still celebrate her birthday on the actual day. I'm sure she'll have cards and gifts to open from her DH and family.

Op you do realise there are plenty people who NEVER get to celebrate on their actual birthdays.

Thinking about those with Christmas, Hogmanay, New Year's Day, Valentines has different issues, and Leap babies have once every 4 years.
Their are also people who share birthdays with other family members. Who takes priority Granny 👵 or the child who share a birthday? I also know a mum who shares with a child, and two siblings (not twins)

The vast majority will celebrate on the nearest weekend.

I am skeptical that as many would be as blasé in the OP's shoes as they make out
Why though.
I love birthday's and not just my own. I make a fuss over dh's and my sons and their girlfriends. I always get a fuss back. It's nice having everyone round. However we can't always have the celebration on the actual day. Last year Ds 2 was on a golf trip with his mates on his birthday. He didnt plan the trip. On Ds1's birthday it was mid week and he goes to bed really early as he is up early so we went out on Saturday.

As long as we all get together I don't care what day we celebrate as long as we have some fun, a nice time and enjoy each others company.

There's a middle ground I think. Birthdays are important because everyone (whose not a complete shit head) deserves to be made a fuss of once at a year at least in my opinion. But life happens and it can't always be on the fixed day, so it should be as close to it as possible.

To be completely honest, and I'm not proud of this, I'd be feigning a certain level of disappointment so that he overcompensated on the day we actually did celebrate my birthday! But I wouldn't stop him going or resent him.

And that would be in addition to having a day I wanted on my actual birthday.

Yes, but you forgot one-

1. Celebration on my actual birthday date doesn't work for whatever reason, so I book a nice dinner out on another date. I get presents on my actual birthday, and might treat myself to a day off or something. Two birthdays! Better than one.

Is that not the same as 3?

I think it is the pressure on people to be seen to live up to the MN ideal. That many of them rely on their husbands for a birthday treat and would be upset if they did not get it would fall short of that.

LameBorzoi
I'd say that falls into the same as group 3.
Most people fall into group 3.

There aren't many adults that stamp their feet and demand family life, work and friendships stop because it's their special day and they expect to be made to feel super duper special on that specific day.

Most adults have common sense.

I thinks it’s okay for mothers and women in general to have at least one day a year to enjoy feeling appreciated.

Of course they can organise it themselves, they organise everything else! And that’s the whole point, one day a year someone does it all for once. I appreciated my birthdays much more once I had a baby - it was a guaranteed lie in and extra sleep as a minimum!