DH has just told me he's going on a lads weekend and won't be here for my birthday

[Yaddayadda89]

I'm really pissed off.
It's not a special birthday, I'll be 44
This year I'm going away with girlfriends for a week abroad. I'm working a second job to pay for this. The week away is not to celebrate (or even near date wise) my birthday.
AIBU to say DH can't go away ? I've said it's only fair he has time away too, seeing as I'm going away.
But on my birthday ?

Not in a million years would my dh think of doing this. He takes the day off and organises something special. I'd never "make him" but would be really miffed if he didn't.

I’m confused.

• Did he book the weekend, having forgotten it was your birthday?
• Did he knowingly book it before confessing to you that it was on your birthday?
• Did he ask, “We’re getting together for a weekend, but the only dates we can do in 2024 conflict with your birthday.”

I need more details about his a) mental recall of your birthday, b) how deliberate he was in booking on your birthday, and c) whether he cleared it with you first.

I just feel that celebrating on a different day wouldn't be the same

This is where you lost me completely. I will never, ever understand why anyone is fixated on celebrating something on one exact date and nothing else will do.

DP and I take each other out for a fancy meal for each other's birthdays every year and I don't think it's ever been on the exact day. The past few years it's often been months later! My birthday falls in a hectic time of year for work and other reasons, and I'd rather celebrate it when I don't have 15 million things on my plate. Similar for DP. The important things are the meal and the company, not the date.

And if nothing was planned for my actual birthday I would just get on with having a normal day. It wouldn't occur to me to wallow.

I'm fairly sure we've both been away on the date of the other's birthday too. If you want to go away with friends then a date you can all do is like gold dust.

I've always said that if you feel loved and cherished generally in your relationship, what your partner does for things like birthdays and Xmas just doesn't matter very much.

Yeah, it’s the old adage: “if you love someone, make sure they can’t set you free”.

Tbh I assume anyone who insists that everyone else recognise their birthday on the actual day doesn't feel appreciated or special at other times. But then the larger problem in those cases is the relationship, not the birthday.

It’s probably difficult to find a date that works for the group. Celebrate your birthday a different day.

Ok, so by OP stopping her husband going on his weekend break and her going on her week long break...she's putting herself first and you think that's the right thing to do?

If that date collectively suited the group so everyone could go, I wouldn't mind celebrating my birthday another weekend.

I am skeptical that as many would be as blasé in the OP's shoes as they make out.
I think most would probably be fine.
3 camps of people:

1. It's my birthday and you better make a fuss of me and spoil me and it has to he on the exact day. If you don't do this we'll enough or make me feel special enough on my special day then I'll huff and puff and claim you've shown me how little you care about me.
2. Birthdays are for children. I don't see why people place that much value on them in adulthood.
3. Birthdays are nice and I'd expect my partner to have a card/present on the day for me, but if we mark the occasion another day it's fine. The world isn't on hold for someone's birthday.

Most people are in group 3.
Some people are in group 2.

Most people don't fall into group 1.

Yes, this.

Since the weekend seems to have been planned without OPs husbands input there's not much he can do. There's no way I'd expect him to miss out on a weekend with friends for my birthday, especially when I was going on a week's holiday without him

However there's no way I'd 'cancel' my birthday. That's just cutting off your nose to spite your face

On your actual birthday, arrange a night out with friends, or invite them over for drinks & a takeaway or spoil yourself for the evening

A few years ago I found myself alone on Christmas evening. I'd been working & by the time I finished it wasn't worth joining the rest of the family at my brothers. I was prepared though. I bought some nice food from M&S, had a bottle of prosecco chilling & an extravagant dessert beside it. I got into my pj's ate l, drank & watched TV & had a lovely wee evening. On the 27th we all went to my Mums & had our family Christmas Day then. It was every bit as nice despite it not being on Christmas Day.

Have the best of both worlds. Spoil yourself on your birthday then do something nice for a belated celebration when your husbands home

The issue here is he didn't ask you first. If this is the only weekend they can all do it it is understandable, but to book it and just inform you I don't think is very respectful. If my DH was to do that I would be upset. My DH's good friend is having his stag do on our anniversary, and my DH asked if I was OK with him going and he wouldn't go if I was, and he booked a night in a hotel for the weekend after to show that he cares. So yes I can understand why you are upset.

Are you German? Germans apparently don't think beyond the day itself. The idea of a "birthday weekend" is confusing for them ("How can a whole weekend be your birthday?")

That strikes me as pretty linear thinking.

Depends how it was handled, if he said "I'm really sorry it was the only weekend available we could all do, we'll book a date in to go for dinner just the two of us to celebrate and cover a spa day for you to go on with the girls on your actual birthday as your present" I would say great have a lovely time 😂
If he said "I'm going get over it" I would be a bit upset.

What a load of shit, and you can swear too. We're all grown ups 😂

Yep, I do. I bet it's not that often, putting herself first.

Probably because he knows she's definitely going to say no, and sometimes it's easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission, at least this way he still gets to go AND celebrate OPs birthday with her on a different day.

It's not something me or Dh would do, but then we wouldn't ever try and stop each other going on something like this without a very good reason.

So you hadn’t made plans then, you’d just decided what you might like to do?

Personally I think you’re being ridiculous, but your feelings are valid. Dont lie and say plans were made and he changed them though.

Bloody hell there are some nasty people on here. Also, so very joyless. Of course you want to celebrate your birthday OP and I'd miss my DH if he wasn't here on my birthday too because he is the person whose company I enjoy most, so I get it.

Holiday and a birthday tea when he gets back. What on earth is joyless about that?

Seems I’m in the minority but yeah, I’d be pissed off too.

So you'd ask your DH to miss a break away with his friends because you'd miss him? I think that's pretty 'joyless' of you. I'd miss my DH too if he way away on my birthday but I'd never dream of asking him to miss a trip one of his friends arranged just because of when my birthday falls.

I think my first reaction would be to be a bit pissed off. My second would be to book a spa day for myself!

Nope, I never said that at all.

As it happens my DH wouldn't book a holiday away on my birthday and vice versa so it wouldn't come up. All couples are different.

The DH didn't book the trip, his friends did. Yes all couples are different, some are very co-dependent and don't seem to cope on their own at all.