Accidentally settled for such a small life

[longingfor]

I didn't really realise until it was too late, but I had my kids at 22 and 25. I got married at 26. I live not far at all from where I was born and raised. My eldest is happy and settled in school so I can't move, my husband is happy here. It's not an urban area (small town in Wales), jobs are limited. I do admin and earn £26k, even if I re-train the only jobs around here are within the NHS or the local council. We go on holiday once a year, but mainly kid friendly sunny breaks. I have good friends and do a city break with them once a year. My life is just so small though, isn't it? One of my sisters lives in Australia and is experiencing a whole new life to what we knew. My other sister has an amazing career and makes over £100k a year, doesn't have kids, goes on amazing holidays and seems to be out all the time having meals and drinks and experiences. I love my kids and my house and my husband and my friends but I can't help but feel panicky when I think about the choices I've made. How much I've limited myself to a place which can't do anything for me. I feel claustrophobic. I don't know why I'm posting, I've made my bed and now I need to lie in it, I suppose. Be grateful for the good bits, my kids etc. It just feels a bit like, is this it? I'm not even 30 yet, and it feels like everything is just done, and small. I don't know.

Sounds very similar to my current life and most of the people’s I know tbh (apart from having kids young)…I went to uni, travelled on holidays etc before kids. You will have time to travel and live your life more when they kids have grown up as you had them young you’ll still be young yourself.

What’s that saying about comparison is the thief of joy.
Don’t compare your life to others and people on SM, look for things to be grateful for, and see what is in your ability to change.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Having your children young does mean you can get out a lot earlier into the next phase of life, if that’s what you want. By 45 you can travel, study, pick up new hobbies, sit and watch box sets.

Oh OP, you sound just like me at your age. Trust me, you haven't settled for a small life, you've settled for the life you have RIGHT NOW.

And it sounds a good one! You have a lovely family, friends who love you, a home to live in. These things don't come easy to everyone.

You had your children young, so your time for adventure will come. Your life doesn't always have to be this one, unless you choose it.

Please don't think you're wasting your life. I'm sure you bring joy to lots of people. That is a gift. Look forward to your future adventures!

Not everyone needs or has to have a larger than life 'life'. If you're happy then I'd say you'd actually won at life.

As a pp said 'comparison is the thief of joy'

If you're on social media, delete it. It will make you feel bad.

I had kids at 21 and 26, the eldest is 17 now and both kids will be adults when I'm early 40s. I have relatives older than me with babies.

You'll have a chance when the kids are older.

Also, take some time for yourself, do a new hobby or sport. It will help.

You’re too deep into it all to realise that all that matters in life really is emotional and physical stability and happiness. If you want more go and do a course in something you like, maybe go for remote jobs. But honestly I think your life sounds great. You don’t have to be in one place forever, my life changed unrecognisably from 30 to 40 for example. At thirty I was the carefree high earner living in a London, at 40 a very content mum. What do you want in the next ten years?

You have a life many people can only dream of.

I think you're at the stage a lot of women reach much older. I made my 30s very hard, single parenting young kids.

Have faith that good decades full of freedom are ahead. In the meantime, insist on a bit of you time for a hobbies, as well as socialising.

So often, men still do their cycling, or their football, and they always have that. I'm only now prioritising yoga, crafts. Before, I thought of those as things I enjoyed but never hot a chance to do..

I’d retrain for the NHS. You’ll get a good pension, and the ability to move for a job, if you decide to.

OP… I always jump on these threads because, well, I’m dying. Ha. But that gives me (a little bit of) the right to tell you to please trust me: it’s not over until it’s over.

This is what your life looks like today, true. You have children who are settled in school, and good friends. You don’t earn a lot, but maybe it’s enough where you are (I don’t know). Maybe this is a good life for right now: a safe, settled life with happy children.

BUT. There was a thread maybe a week ago asking for people’s biggest regrets. I didn’t respond then, but I’ll tell you mine: that I didn’t let myself change my mind more often. It’s never too late to change your mind until life really is over. You can say yes to things, you can say no to things, you can go back and change “no”es to “yes”es (within emotionally healthy limits). Never give up on yourself. You have today, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. Don’t regret the decisions you’ve made for today, and if you want to make different decisions tomorrow (or in three or five years), then do.

But don’t let anything that makes you feel happy let you feel trapped. These things are all for a season, and they will be gone, never to return, one day. Do not regret your decisions that led you here - count the things you wouldn’t have if you hadn’t made them.

Good luck, OP. I hope you get to live three or four lives in your lifetime and I hope they’re all what you want them to be.

You’d choose your own problems though, I bet.

My life felt a bit like yours for a while, but looking back it was a happy life. Married 22, kid 1 at 25, kid 2 at 27. I’m 34 now and life has opened up now the kids are at school, busier than ever but have added so many fun things into my life.

How far is your nearest town/city with stuff related to your interests? Theatre, galleries, good shopping? Or get some new interests? Or the ocean? Watersports?

When my eldest is 20 I’ll only be 45. Get fit and healthy now is my aim, and I’ll be off on child free adventures in a few years!

Or retrain! Whats your passion? What were you obsessed with as a kid?

I'm out the other end of your situation.
Having your kids young means that when they are adult you still have time to travel, focus on a new career, live somewhere else for a while.....do all those things but with a house and adult kids to look after your cat or pick you up from the airport or help you with your job application or studies.
Life s still ahead of you .

“The modern age equates a good life with being extraordinary and distinguished. But the truth is likely to be quite different: learning to cherish and appreciate an ordinary life belongs to wisdom and the art of living” - from a School of Life video “why an ordinary life can be a good life’ which might be helpful for you to watch.

Spot on

@5YearsLeft amazing post 💐❤️

Ok, so if you’re unhappy with your life, start changing it, start small. Is there anything you’ve always wanted to do? Any hobbies you could take up? Any small changes you could make? I get the small town feeling, I went to London for a trip recently and felt really inspired maybe you need to get out a bit without the kids and rediscover yourself?
tbh I think for some people getting settled into family life young comes with its negatives, do you feel like you’ve missed out on your youth a bit? I had my first young then had my wild phase age 26-28ish after a breakup so got my dose of escapism there. It was great, going on loads of dates, messy nights and raves but i got it out of my system and im happily settled now. Maybe you just need to go off the rails a bit?
end of day you have the power to change your life, don’t settle!!

If you want better opportunities then move. Your child is still young and will settle into a new school - it could be the best option for all of you as it doesn't sound like there are lots of opportunities for your kids when they get older.
I had my kids at similar ages and also felt a bit weighed down. It DOES get better. Now they are in their teens I can work many more hours, so my career has really picked up again. I'm studying as I can find more time to do this and give myself better career prospects for the future. In my early 30s I set myself career goals for when I turn 40, and I'm due to meet them this summer at 39yo.
Financially we are comfortable which has made life so much easier - it wasn't like that in our 20s. We have plans in our 40s to pay off the mortgage, and to travel a lot more. We have a physical list of the places we want to visit and try to do at least one a year. The kids, now older, are equally happy to do more than just a beach holiday so they are more than happy to work on our list.
You may not earn 100k or move to Australia. But maybe you will. Having kids doesn't prevent either of those things if you really want it. I think you need to have ambitions and set out a plan to reach them, then you won't feel so trapped. It may take years (mine certainly have) but seeing the progress I was making was enough to keep me on track and not feel disheartened.

@5YearsLeft
Yes, momento mori, I didn't even know what that was when one day the thought "if I had a year to live I'd leave (x "partner") popped into my head.
Then it dawned on me, I could leave anyway.

I hope your time left is what you need it to be xX

I'm in my mid 40s.
I married at 18, had my children at 23 and 26.
I am so much less stressed than my friends with small children, I can go out and do what I like. We don't have massive money worries we have a few years left on the mortgage.
My career took off when I went back to work after nearly a decade as a SAHM.
I watch my friends, permaknackered and struggling with childcare and I am so glad I did that bit while I was younger.
My 'small life' was and is a happy one. Look at the good things you've got, there's probably more than one person you know wishing they had your life.

Wow @5YearsLeft Thank you for your post.

It's good you feel this now, things aren't horrendous but you know you want more. You can't do things just now but you have time to plan and take action. The best thing might be to do a remote training/study for a job that you could do once the kids are older. One that allows you to move to a more dynamic area. Your next decade can be about you

This is not your life. This is a stage in your life. Enjoy this stage, when it’s gone it’s gone. Your kids will be older and when they are you will enter a new stage in your life.

Well first of all, I'd enjoy what you do have, having a family, home and friends is a lot more than many and certainly not what I'd call small. Secondly, it sounds like you want more experiences, and that is within your control. Councils and NHS have room for progression, and I know the councils in Wales have been pretty good for home working so you may be able to look further afield. I'd concentrate on finding work that gives a little more fulfilment, and a little more income to allow for more holidays and weekends away. Remember the bonus to having kids young is even if you're not able to do that stuff now, you'll have plenty of time 40s and beyond too.