Accidentally settled for such a small life

[longingfor]

I didn't really realise until it was too late, but I had my kids at 22 and 25. I got married at 26. I live not far at all from where I was born and raised. My eldest is happy and settled in school so I can't move, my husband is happy here. It's not an urban area (small town in Wales), jobs are limited. I do admin and earn £26k, even if I re-train the only jobs around here are within the NHS or the local council. We go on holiday once a year, but mainly kid friendly sunny breaks. I have good friends and do a city break with them once a year. My life is just so small though, isn't it? One of my sisters lives in Australia and is experiencing a whole new life to what we knew. My other sister has an amazing career and makes over £100k a year, doesn't have kids, goes on amazing holidays and seems to be out all the time having meals and drinks and experiences. I love my kids and my house and my husband and my friends but I can't help but feel panicky when I think about the choices I've made. How much I've limited myself to a place which can't do anything for me. I feel claustrophobic. I don't know why I'm posting, I've made my bed and now I need to lie in it, I suppose. Be grateful for the good bits, my kids etc. It just feels a bit like, is this it? I'm not even 30 yet, and it feels like everything is just done, and small. I don't know.

Nothing to be ashamed of (sure sounds like it) and never compare yourself to others if you're happy that's all that matters. If you ever need to broaden your horizons just plan a holiday or city breaks. I live in Wales too and know my income goes further than someone in the home counties. Plus wales has stunning scenery that many would luv to experience. I haven't even gone to all the places to visit yet

Sounds similar to my mum and dad. We (the four children they had from the ages of 18-24) grew up and moved out. By that point, they'd moved on to higher paid jobs and finally had money as we were independent. At a similar time, many of their friends were dealing with primary and early secondary aged children. You have a small world for now but you'll be able to accept career or life opportunities from your late 30's+ without having to put yourself second to the children. In their mid-40s my dad accepted a job in the US and they moved over there. My dad has no qualifications to his name and just slowly worked his way up through a company to the point that no other companies cared about qualification, just experience.

Honestly as someone who is retirement age, be grateful for the life you have, a lovely family and a settled life. I have realised over the years that those who lead what we class as exciting lives rarely have any happier lives than us. Those exciting husband's are usually having affairs, doing drugs or gambling. Those that are going on fancy holidays are putting them on the credit card and racking up the debts. And when you get to certain age 75% of those without kids will regret not having them.
I also live in a Welsh town on the M4 corridor.
Most of the girls who I thought had exciting lives, turns out they didnt.

Well said. We’re all so accustomed to perception of success in financial terms. As someone who went to uni, had a career/big income with all the trappings including impressive house and loads of travel, I admire you. You’ve made a family, given your children roots and stability. The divorce courts are full of the rest of us who don’t achieve half as much. You will do many more things in life but you are in no way small

There's still so much time op. How old are your kids?

You say you could only retrain into the NHS etc but that's a nurse, doctor, physiotherapist, dietician, midwife, pharmacist as well as clerical and admin roles. There's teaching, TA, office staff, speech therapist within schools. What would you like to be when you are older?

I get the kid friendly holidays, we only ever go on holiday to Wales for various reasons atm but there are kid friendly options abroad that don't involve being stuck in a club house / holiday club.

Could you start a savings jar for Aus? Think of it as something to do when the kids are teens and you can ignore them on the plane but start the savings now.

What do you do for fun, without the kids? The weekends with the girls? Where are they to? What do you do on them? Can you get them to go somewhere a bit further out or if closer, new?

You really do have time to widen your world

Sounds similar to me also. I wish I had done more, but as you say with kids in tow, it's not the same or easy to do.
My DH always says, I have a boring life but it's simple and easy, what more do I want?
I think when you are at this stage with young kids, it's easy to fall in to routine of work/kids/weekend repeat.

Not even 30? You are a baby - you’ve got years and years - to do all the things you think you’re missing out on. I’m not an auntie, but I am a mother, my sisters would love to be. You will find in the future that you can have it all. Do not panic!! Xx

Firstly, count your blessings- what you describe is a lovely life, family, children stability, fun with friends, enough money for weekends away with friends. Many don’t achieve this ever, let alone before 30.
Secondly, more kindly, I get it - wanting more. But let that be an aspiration for the future in an exciting way, not a reason to feel miserable with what you have now. But life is long. Sometimes it’s takes time. Think outside the box. Look for opportunities, think hard about which ones, but take a punt on some of them. Talk to your partner/spouse, say how you feel but be respectful to their feelings, grow together. If you can’t, move on from them. I had a very boring profession when I was young. I have 3 kids. I started a business at 40. I’ve just started a new one at 57. I’ve work very hard. Some things have been very very tough, especially with kids ups and downs (search my Mumsnet name if you like) Life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it. (Sorry, family joke, middle child is in the music business and currently quite famous, I suspect about to be very famous) Who knew when I was young, who knows where life will take you if you are brave 🤷🏻‍♀️.

It Won’t be long before your kids are adults, either at college or working, you’ll have more freedom to do what you want and you will still be young, and you can then spread your wings.
I had my kids well into my 30s, and now have the time to spread my wings in my mid 50s. I’m kind of wishing I’d had my children at a younger age, but it is what it is. Sounds like you have a good life now and, your time will come …

If you’re happy with your husband and love him, like where you live etc you should let yourself be happy and not compare! I spent my 20s and early 30s living in London - high earner - loads of great holidays and an instagram account full of things that looked so fun (and they were fun) but I also felt so empty and like I didn’t know why. I’m now living in the town I grew up in with young children and no career prospects and never felt happier. I’m not saying that’s always the case but thinking something looks great doesn’t always mean it is! If you happily chose to get married and have your kids young then maybe that was right for you?
I have family members who had kids in their early twenties and their kids are grown up and they are travelling etc while I’m the same age running around after toddlers and absolutely knackered!!!
as everyone says comparison is the thief of joy! What is it that YOU want to be doing? Not what you think looks the best?

This is an amazing post. I’ve even taken a picture of it (a mn first for me). I wish you all the very very best.

Why not work from home? My husband is a pensions administrator and does. They’re always looking for people if you want more information.

We haven’t had a holiday for years and Defo no girly breaks.

Your world does shrink when you have little ones, mine certainly did.

Think about what little micro adventures you’d like to have - maybe a weekend break, seeing more of the UK, going somewhere new, climbing a big hill, swimming in the sea… what speaks to your heart and connects you with the wider universe?

read books or listen to audiobooks to expand your imaginative horizons and take you outside of your own head

make new friends, take up new hobbies

enjoy the life you’ve made for yourself

Also sounds a bit like you’re jealous of your sister who lives in Australia. Why not move? Your kids would settle quickly no doubt. X

I think your life sounds idyllic. I love wales but no chance of me doing my job there. I think it depends on whether you are feeling claustrophobic and bored because you need more. Or is it because you are comparing? If it’s the former you could do an online course or take up a hobby and take some more days out and things to do that could make your time feel special. Otherwise just ignore what everyone else is doing and stop comparing as you are bound to feel you failed. They will always be someone who has more, so what?!?! Who cares?!?! Be happy with your lot!

You can move if you want to, your children don’t have to stay in the one place forever to be happy. In fact staying there has made you unhappy so you might be doing them a favour.

Talk to your husband about changing things up, he might be open to the idea of relocating or having a family adventure. You could take the kids on an extended trip to Australia or somewhere else.

Just because other people would be satisfied with your life doesn’t mean you need to be. The future isn’t guaranteed, only the present is.

Life of full of choices and our lives branch off in different ways all the time. No one’s life is small - it is their life. I have a friend who went to Australia, one who went to hon king and one who is in Canada. We all live very different lives. Very, very, very different. But no one’s life is better. It’s just different. We are all jealous of some part of each others lives.

my fiend in Canada misses her parents terribly. I am
Wildly jealous of all the winter sports she does! My friend in Australia lives in a tiny teeny apartment that costs the earth and she can’t afford to travel despite having a fabulous career. All I see are the beautiful sunny beaches!

I see my rainsoaked dreary life - they all see elements of it they wish they had.

your life is not small.

Your life isn’t small. You have love, family and interests. Take it from me, I had the career (over £100K), I live far away from where I was born, competed in sport internationally. I was raised to always try for the next thing, the next promotion, live a ‘big’ life. I now have a less well paying job (don’t worry, I’m doing fine, just have to watch what we spend more), work reasonable hours, see my family more, enjoy what I do. And I’m happy.
Please don’t let other people define what a full and good life means. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realise that - would have saved me a lot of stress and anxiety. Sounds like you’re doing just fine x

Ah bless you, This is how I’m feeling but I’m in my 50’s (can’t even believe I’m typing that , where does it go)? So if you’re not even 30 I’d say don’t panic you have plenty of good things to come!

I married young, had my child at 24 and became a single mother 6 months later. I felt just as you do - that I was trapped in my life.

At 42 I did an organised hill walking challenge. I loved it but I was terrified of heights so I enrolled on an indoor climbing course to try to overcome it. I loved that and joined a climbing club, which led to me travelling to the most beautiful parts of the UK every weekend to climb, and to travel to various parts of the world for climbing having barely left my home town, and never left the UK for the previous 20 years.

Life's a funny old thing, with twists and turns. At 40 I never imagined the turn it would take for me.

At 52 I became disabled. I can't do those things I loved so much now, but I face different challenges which have also led me to a life I hadn't imagined.

Your life will change in ways you can't now foresee too. Go with the flow, but grasp at opportunities as they come floating by!

I married young, had my child at 24 and became a single mother 6 months later. I felt just as you do - that I was trapped in my life.

At 42 I did an organised hill walking challenge. I loved it but I was terrified of heights so I enrolled on an indoor climbing course to try to overcome it. I loved that and joined a climbing club, which led to me travelling to the most beautiful parts of the UK every weekend to climb, and to travel to various parts of the world for climbing having barely left my home town, and never left the UK for the previous 20 years.

Life's a funny old thing, with twists and turns. At 40 I never imagined the turn it would take for me.

At 52 I became disabled. I can't do those things I loved so much now, but I face different challenges which have also led me to a life I hadn't imagined.

Your life will change in ways you can't now foresee too. Go with the flow, but grasp at opportunities as they come floating by!

. It is very different from.my life, but does not sound small to me. The issue is it does to you. We should not see our sense of value or self- worth in one thing, e.g. motherhood or a job. We need multiple things ime. I hope u can get this sense of dissatisfaction under control OP.

Echo what others have said. It sounds like you have a fab life but if you have career aspirations get on an nhs apprenticeship scheme and work your way up. That then gives you more financial options to travel etc if you choose to.

I married when I was very young, had my first child at 23 and second at 33, went back to work in my early 40's and managed to build a fantastic career. This enabled me to travel extensively and have a really good life. I am now retired and single with a good pension and still have a great life plus my 2 children and 2 grandchildren live close by. Enjoy your life as it is now and plan for the future when your children are older, the grass is rarely greener on the other side.

I did similar initially but studied distance learning for a degree, fought for a job in male dominated career when we moved away, rented for years as kept moving around, moved countries and travelled, then he left to go home. I got M E and now have very little life. Family is in another country.
My sister married at 17 and stayed in our hometown ever since never being independent. She has lots of lifetime friends a husband who takes responsibility (that is a huge biggie and not often valued by those who have one of those) and amazong support network. She has never had to work FT, syruggle for a job or worry about how to pay a mortgage or getting somewhere to rent.
For me now the grass seems greener?