Accidentally settled for such a small life

[longingfor]

I didn't really realise until it was too late, but I had my kids at 22 and 25. I got married at 26. I live not far at all from where I was born and raised. My eldest is happy and settled in school so I can't move, my husband is happy here. It's not an urban area (small town in Wales), jobs are limited. I do admin and earn £26k, even if I re-train the only jobs around here are within the NHS or the local council. We go on holiday once a year, but mainly kid friendly sunny breaks. I have good friends and do a city break with them once a year. My life is just so small though, isn't it? One of my sisters lives in Australia and is experiencing a whole new life to what we knew. My other sister has an amazing career and makes over £100k a year, doesn't have kids, goes on amazing holidays and seems to be out all the time having meals and drinks and experiences. I love my kids and my house and my husband and my friends but I can't help but feel panicky when I think about the choices I've made. How much I've limited myself to a place which can't do anything for me. I feel claustrophobic. I don't know why I'm posting, I've made my bed and now I need to lie in it, I suppose. Be grateful for the good bits, my kids etc. It just feels a bit like, is this it? I'm not even 30 yet, and it feels like everything is just done, and small. I don't know.

Sounds like you've aced it to be honest! You're going to have so much freedom at a relatively young age once your kids become more independent.

Your home life sounds really stable and that's a great spring board to go and do anything you want!

I understand how you feel, but try and make the most of it because one day you'll think back on this time and it will be same as when you look at an old photo of yourself and think 'wow I looked amazing!' when at the time you were really insecure!

Your life sounds kind of idyllic, OP. You are in a great place to be thinking about what you want next.

Our culture at the moment encourages comparison, and to think of our successes in terms of consumer goods and visual “prizes” we can show off on Instagram: a big pile of presents on Christmas Day, a tropical holiday, wearing a new outfit on a glamorous night out.

I volunteer for Samaritans and we have so many callers, so many, who are calling because the loneliness in their life is crushing and killing them. If you have a loving, supportive partner/friends/children/colleagues, if you can engage with the world in any meaningful way, whether it’s watching birds in the garden and holding a door for someone at a shop, you already have the opportunity to enjoy really deeply the life you have now.

Feel free to make changes, but make them because you have a clear idea of what you’d like to be different, not just because comparison and culture tells you this life is small. It’s sounds amazing! Good luck, OP.

I suppose travel and an exciting career can lead to a "bigger" life but "out all the time having meals and drinks and experiences" what does that even mean? I know people who like to go out, get dressed up, to see and be seen, the be able to say I went out for a meal last night, I went to such and such, is it really that exciting or expansive? Sure travel or going out to see a play or film and for a meal might be part of a repertoire of a nice, full life but so is being engaged with personal projects and private passions, being able to be self sufficient and enjoying your own company. Having a good home life is part of that as well. I think often staying home and learning a new piece on the piano, reading Anna Karenina (for example) or cooking some new dish to share with my husband is more exciting and fulfilling than going out just for the sake of it or because dressing up is the only way I can feel like I'm living a full life. Doing things like that can be part of life but most of life happens in private when nobody can see so I focus on making that as rich and personally rewarding as possible.

I've know a few people with exciting sounding jobs with lots of travel involved such as photographers, film makers, models and actresses and most of them were fed up with it all after a few years and preferred to stay home.

Life is what you make it OP.

why not? So what do you want, to make sure you the poster feels bad about the life she has but not allowing anyone to have positive opinion about a life choice not millions but billions of women on the planet chose all the time. My question is : are you serious????????

So many people with money, who go out to dinners and parties all the time, would love to go back home to a husband and kids.

stop comparing. If you want something to change by all means do something about it but just because your sister is in Australia it doesn’t make your life “small”.

But life is dictated by resources of time and money. It is just as damaging to say you can have it all.
I curtail my wishes right now but no more than my DH... That's the reality. Obviously if they're is an imbalance in the partnership that's another issue. I do some things I want, but they are the ones that fit into family life, but are my decisions somewhat locked down by needing to consider the kids, naturally. That's not sad.

Unfairness in a household is sad. Not having enough money to go round is unfortunate. But women thinking they can't please themselves isn't sad, that's too simplistic, they are being pragmatic.

I’d suggest listening to your own feelings and getting to know yourself- spending a lot of effort to work out what you feel is missing and what you really want and whether there are any ‘should’ feelings involved- ‘I should be doing abc’. These tend to come from deeper feelings about expectations you have of yourself or others might have of you.

If necessary with the aid of a counsellor or therapist and also get good at budget sheets. Try to examine your own assumptions very objectively.

Don’t rip up your calm life in ways you couldn’t change back, in exchange for unachievable dreams. But balance that with knowing that change to even a quite radical degree is possible and is healthy and if the whole family could benefit it could be a shared adventure.

The world is made up of all sorts of people OP and that is essential for any society to function .

You are very young and currently in the midst of having small children , they will have more independence while you are still relatively young and you will have time to play with to make life more interesting later . Don’t write yourself off .

Dont under estimate the value of the little things

Not even 30?

Your life has another 60 years to run (hopefully). If you don't want to uproot your kids (though they are probably young enough to enjoy it) then start to plan what you want in 10 years time when they're starting to be independent.

You have so much time to fit in all kinds of adventures! Retrain - who knows what opportunities might be there in the future for you.

You're a pretty young mum, you'll have lots of time to focus on what you want to do as your children get a bit older.

I imagine your wealthy sister looks at you and thinks you're lucky to have happy marriage, children, good friends etc

The OP doesn’t want the life she has! No one is ‘making her dissatisfied’, she’s already dissatisfied, and wants to make changes. Just because other people think it sounds perfectly fine is no reason for her to change her mind. It’s not working for her. It wouldn’t work for me — it sounds deeply limiting. But I very carefully made different decisions in my teens and 20s. I left my home country, studied and worked in lots of other countries, chose to postpone parenthood till my late 30s etc. DH and I have moved jobs and locations three times since having our son, though we will stay where we are now till he’s finished school.

But it doesn’t matter what I think. It’s the OP’s life, and she’s not happy with it. I don’t think she should be ignoring those feelings.

I hear you OP. I still live in the relatively small town where I was born. I am 50. My office/DC schools/parents/friends/home are all within a 3 mile triangle of each other. I can walk to the office in 20 mins if I needed to. I know the town inside out. I've seen all the town changes over the 50 odd years. I know I have it easy in terms of commuting and home/work/school, yet I long to move somewhere more exciting/different. But is the grass greener ? I see old school friends on fbook who have moved away and I am envious that they got out of the town while I am still stuck here (the town has/is rapidly going down hill). But at the same time, the town feels 'safe' (not personal safety, but safe in the aspect of familiarisation).

I feel like there is a HUGE world out there with so many opportunities, yet I live within a very small 3 mile triangle of it. Depressing.

Sounds like you need a new challenge.

Can you do any evening course to progress your career?

Can you start a new, exciting hobby that pushes you out of your comfort zone?

Can you save up and take an extended break in Australia?

I was 'your sister with no kids, earning big bucks with an amazing career and enjoying amazing holidays' but as many pp have said comparison is the thief of joy.

My sister who stayed where we grew up, married and had kids young has always been envious of my life.

My reality was that I focussed on my career for a few reasons. I split from my first long-term partner and took on the house so had a lot of fear about money and paying the mortgage and bills. I then had almost 10 years of being single when I felt I was in my prime. All the blokes I liked didn't want commitment. So I didn't feel good enough to be someone's life partner. I wanted kids but didn't meet the right person at the right time. I was very lonely.

I was in a career that was difficult to progress in so I took on post-grad qualifications to help me stand out and progress. I got the job, the big pay packet and promotions. But I was also very stressed, overwhelmed and burnt out. Travelling for work sounds glamorous but in reality you stay in a souless hotel room, spend the working day in an office or souless hotel meeting room and then get to spend the evening eating out with your colleagues or eating alone in your hotel. It's knackering and rare to have the chance to extend the work trip to be a tourist.

I've now moved back home near to where I grew up. I'm working in a job that doesn't need all the extra qualifications and doesn't come with the swanky salary or the mega stress. I'm really happy and contented. I'm no longer striving to try and be good enough.

And the best bit? I'm living near to my family and old school friends. My nieces and nephews are adults now and starting their own families.

I don't regret my life and the way it turned out. Lots of sliding doors along the way and made the choices I made. I'm grateful for the financial security I have now but the stress and loneliness over the years has had a really detrimental effect on my health and that's the most important thing really.

I just hope my new less stressful life will enable me to turn my health around so I live as long as possible to enjoy my retirement with my friends and family and get to spend quality time with the next generation.

Be grateful for what you have and enjoy living in a community you know well. how you can add some more adventure into your life if that's what you want. Could you save up and visit your sister in Oz?

Enjoy the life you have.
Make plans for when the children spread their wings and you will have your adventures.
Join the FIRE movement.
Take the children on adventures in the summer holiday shake it up a bit and start planning for your future and all the benefits of having children while you are young.
Find a side hustle or do a degree with the open university.

If you aren't happy, you have plenty of time to do something about it. I knew I wouldn't be happy staying in my home town, so I left as soon as I could. I moved countries a few times until my last move to Oz when I was 43. So you have plenty of time to make changes if that's what you want. You only get one life, if you are bored then plan what you want to change. I found the years when my son was very young pretty tough going, it gets easier when they get a bit older.

Your life actually sounds quite nice.

But also I think the majority of us feel that FOMO at some point.

I too (like many others) have accidentally tied myself to an area that offers not as much as other locations.

Don't discount being able to work up to a decent level from admin in your Local Council. I'm currently doing this and am progressing very quickly whilst having the flexibility to be available (my choice) to my family and do all the school runs (no family support).

Try to remember, everyone has their stuff. Your sister's lives will not be as set as you imagine.

Most of all OP, you sound happy despite the comparisons. That's all that matters once the bills are paid.

A beautiful post, @5YearsLeft

Thank you 💐

If you have family support spend a weekend away with friends exploring a new city or walking the mountains or lakes. Small things that help you breathe more freely and plan for bigger adventures - things you can do with the kids when they're old enough to help broaden their horizons 💕

I love the School of Life too… and they are very very wise words.
Living a good life is realising how extra-ordinary the ordinary is.

But you can move somewhere else now, if you still want to? I actually moved back to my home city aged 49 (after nearly 30 years away in different parts of the world) for a job and to spend more time with my parents, and I’m really enjoying it in a way I suspect I wouldn’t if I’d never left. But it is also a vibrant small city with a lively arts scene and gorgeous countryside close by, so not a sacrifice…

Do NOT under any circumstances have another child, you don’t want to be stuck having little kids around when you’re in your mid 30s-40s. Think of your ‘small’ life being the opposite to those who do a lot in their 20s and then settle down. Once your DC are grown up you can start doing the things you want to do. Can you study in the meantime to improve career prospects?

@5YearsLeft, what a beautiful post! I'm sure you've helped, not only the OP, but lots of others - I know you've helped me! 🤗

I can understand what you mean. I've always wanted to live by the sea, so my husband applied for a job on a whim and he got it.
Almost 7 years ago, we moved from a small town in the Midlands to near Cardiff. It's great being near a city and the coast. I wouldn't want to move back to such a small town again. There's definitely more job opportunities here.
Why not look into moving somewhere else if your husband would be up for it?
Kids can change schools, especially as they are still young. Mine were in year 3 and nursery and they did just fine.
Just remember that the grass isn't always greener, it's hard to be without any family nearby for support but at this time I don't regret it at all.