Accidentally settled for such a small life

[longingfor]

I didn't really realise until it was too late, but I had my kids at 22 and 25. I got married at 26. I live not far at all from where I was born and raised. My eldest is happy and settled in school so I can't move, my husband is happy here. It's not an urban area (small town in Wales), jobs are limited. I do admin and earn £26k, even if I re-train the only jobs around here are within the NHS or the local council. We go on holiday once a year, but mainly kid friendly sunny breaks. I have good friends and do a city break with them once a year. My life is just so small though, isn't it? One of my sisters lives in Australia and is experiencing a whole new life to what we knew. My other sister has an amazing career and makes over £100k a year, doesn't have kids, goes on amazing holidays and seems to be out all the time having meals and drinks and experiences. I love my kids and my house and my husband and my friends but I can't help but feel panicky when I think about the choices I've made. How much I've limited myself to a place which can't do anything for me. I feel claustrophobic. I don't know why I'm posting, I've made my bed and now I need to lie in it, I suppose. Be grateful for the good bits, my kids etc. It just feels a bit like, is this it? I'm not even 30 yet, and it feels like everything is just done, and small. I don't know.

Do you have your health?

Your life sounds very similar to my life, which I am extremely happy with, apart from not having my health.

I'd give anything to be able to go for a walk

What a fab post @5YearsLeft and what grace to be so thoughtful to others.

For my part my life was 'small' in my twenties. I had a minimum wage job, settled with my now dg from age 20, two young kids, terraced house. A quiet life.

Having children motivated me to make different choices, I went to uni and graduated with a first class degree at 28. I have done postgrads and built a career, all on a shoestring as dh was and is a low earner. I've watched every penny and had years of caravan holidays when the kids were small. I've had 6 promotions in the last 12 years, live in a nice place and just (hooray) finally paid off my student loan.

Youngest dc has just started uni last year and in my early forties I have the time, money and energy to enjoy my life. I'm starting new hobbies, planning a road trip of the Deep South this summer, and can basically do what I like. I wouldn't describe my life as small at all now.

However.... There is absolutely nothing wrong with a quiet life, lived well. Many of the things you have are things others can only dream of.

Just remember people at every stage feel like you at times. It's unhealthy comparison. I'm older but had kids older too so they're still young. I'm well travelled, DH and I are high-ish earners, good jobs, DS starting private school soon but...at times I look at friends who emigrated to Australia or friends who are earning even more than us...which is ridiculous as we have more than enough. I've learned to be grateful for the simple things and it sounds like you have plenty to be grateful for too.

Ever thought your sister might look at you and think 'I wish I was settled with a family & a home'? The grass is always greener OP.
What you have now is something you used to dream about.
There is plenty of time to travel, eat out etc once your kids are grown.

This. 💯

OP I understand. I think you're getting a lot of well meaning answers here but they're somehow telling you you're wrong to feel the way you do. However they're not you & only you actually know how happy or otherwise you are.

I was in long term relationship from when I was 19 - 24 yrs. He was a wonderful kind, steady guy. We were from the same small town. We knew all the same people & our families knew each other etc.

It seemed like this was my path & we'd marry & settle down. I loved him. But I had a huge but..I knew in my bones that i didn't want that life. I didn't know why - it was the life I'd always known, v similar to my parents & siblings & cousins etc. But I couldn't do it. I ended things & moved to a city 300km away.

I'm now in my 50s & have a life I couldn't even have imagined at 21 or 22. I ended up not having dc until i was 35 by choice.

Life everyone it's not always plain sailing but I have never once regretted moving away & travelling etc..

You're in your situation now but you're still YOU. I think you need to figure out what's missing for you- what are you yearning for? Is it travel? Culture (theatre / opera / music/ art?) Is it education? Do you have a regret that you didn't pursue a particular career that always seemed too out there?
Are you interested in performing?

Spend some time figuring this out & start planning how you can make it happen.

Speak to your husband - share your dreams with him. If you have a good marriage he will want to work with you to build a more fulfilling life.

You matter. Your life matters & all does not need to be sacrificed because you have children & a husband.

Your life sounds perfectly normal - with the emphasis on perfectly!

Two things I'd do if I was you. I'd think about the one thing I'd most like to change and put together a long term plan to make that thing happen. It might not be able to happen for 10 years, but start planning for it now.

The other thing is to plan something really exciting for a bit sooner - change up your kid friendly holiday for an airbnb somewhere a bit more interesting for adults. Do you have anyone who would look after your children while you do a weekend away in Cardiff doing grown up things? Everything will get easier as the kids get older and don't need to be catered for so much. But stop comparing yourself to others! What if your sister in Australia often feels lonely for all the family she's had to leave behind? What if your sister that is a high earner couldn't have children? No ones life is perfect. You just sound like you're in a bit of a rut and need to make some plans.

By the time you are 45 you kids will be flying the nest , you'll have energy and spare cash and time to do soemthing different

Enjoy what you have now and look forward to your future

And don't be fooled to think that money and success make people better people or happier

Why do you think your life is ‘small’?

You have a job, a husband you love, a family, friends… You go on a family holiday in the summer and a city break with friends. You presumably have interests and your weekends are busy doing things.

That’s not how I’d define a small life - regardless of where you’ve chosen to live or whether you think your job is impressive.

My definition of a small life is quite different to that. It’s largely informed by the experience of a terrible marriage and the ongoing experience of trying to parent alongside an extremely difficult man. I realised that my life had become so
small because everything had become focused around him. Even now, I feel the lessening effects of him in my life.

For example, yesterday I volunteered to read a story at nursery for world book day. The nursery emailed and I made time and did it. One of the other mums had also volunteered and done a morning story. When I mentioned it to my ex, he was furious. He started going on about how I was excluding him and he could have come too (which is nuts - was he going to tag along to watch me read a story to some children?).

But what I recognised is that this is just him being a controlling arse and this shit is what made my life small. Not being able to do pretty ordinary things is what makes a life ‘small’. The smallness is the feeling of ‘can’t’ over so much. It’s the smallness of the number of people you see or things you do - because something is stopping you doing them. Poverty can have similar effects in making your life smaller.

It doesn’t matter whether you stayed local
to where you grew up, married quite young, or whatever else you’re comparing to others. Your life doesn’t sound ‘small’

Well said @5YearsLeft
I'm in my late 40's and have had, I'd say, 3 'chapters' in life so far. My friends are the same andi I can see how those paths have played out differently in various people.
So, to me you're in one of those, but because it's the child rearing chapter and you're young, you are struggling to see beyond.
My chapters were the wild years travelling and parties, the earning years with reasonable money (for me, it was never over 40k) and enjoying being and building life with DH, currently where you are in the child rearing years (11&13).
But I have friends who did similar chapters but in different order.

We're all old enough now, to be at the point where we can see that those who looked like they were winning at life at 30 and had everyone else feeling like they were doing something wrong, have since ridden more of the roller coaster of life and have had their share of ups and downs.
We have reached the point where we just celebrate the good and commiserate the bad cos we've all had a share of both.

My sister lives in Oz, on social media she looks like she's totally living the dream. But she envies me my proximity to family! And the sunshine is sometimes a bit much, her house was at risk of fires, she and her husband have almost split more than once and she was far from family support... and one of her children has a mullet 🤣🤣 (haha that one's just a joke, don't come for me).

The age of your children are often the claustrophobia years (from a personal pov... and the delightful years yadda yadda, of course), regardless of whether you have previously spread your wings or not. I'm in the trenches with you, but at 48 I have less time ahead to mix things up again - but you are the other way round - you're doing your chapters just in a different order... Lots to envy about that. My work colleague is the same but ahead in years and the adventures she's having are fabulous! But she has so much fun with her adult kids in the mix, enviable, my adventures were wild but sometimes also lonely as I was solo.

That said, I'm plotting my next chapter now which will be self care and supporting interesting projects in my area. I'm planning on conquering mountains and lakes and getting stuck into meeting really interesting people by involvement in new job/volunteering.

Your feelings are natural, but also unfair on yourself and skewed by the fact that your sorry hasn't fully played out yet. All the people you are seeing have greener grass are, I guarantee, looking at your field and seeing your grass is very green too... Because you always see what others have that you feel is missing, that's just the nature of it. You don't see their 3am thoughts.

P.s I would give my right arm for an annual holiday + city break with friends!!
I haven't had a holiday of any sort in nearly ten years. 🤣
But I am building my own home in the Lake District and it's going to be lovely. All my time and money is going into that... Some would envy that... So, you can't have it all.

This feeling is just a sign things are a bit out of balance in terms of personal inclination and lifestyle, it probably won't take much to be happier.

Sounds just like my life. Right down to the job and living in my hometown. I'm older than you but have a big gap between my 3 kids - eldest is a teen and youngest is a toddler. So I feel like I've spent my whole adult life raising kids. I feel very trapped at times because I know I have at least another 10-15 years of child rearing ahead of me despite already doing it for that long!

It's a claustrophobic life and I do sometimes fantasise about having more. Doing more. Seeing more of the world. My dh isn't the most dynamic and we don't have any family help so it really is hard getting out of the house sometimes.

I don't really have advice other than acceptance. I was young when I had my eldest and all of my friends were still partying and having fun. I had to tell myself quite sternly than this was the life I'd chosen and I had to suck it up, there's no point looking at others and wishing for what they have. Comparison is the thief of joy as others have said. Now I'm on the other side of that with friends whose kids are in school and I've restarted the baby years again! I must be a glutton for punishment!

As pp have said, life is full on with young dc but as yours grow you will get some time and independence back. Consider training or planning ahead for the time when they need you less. And when they have flown the nest you will still be young enough to travel, move away and do all the things you feel you're missing out on now.

You're definitely not wrong to feel how you do. My life no longer feels like my own, just a series of events where I have to prioritise everyone else's needs first. I can't even get a weekend away alone to recoup. But we are where we are and like I said, sometimes you have to accept the now and plan for the future.

I want to say that I do agree with @ChristmasTreeMagic in that no one should tell you that what you feel right now is wrong. It’s not wrong at all. I think people are trying to help by sharing that it will pass or that there will be more.

But fears are never ridiculous, nor should they be ignored. I also feel that we shouldn’t just make decisions based on fear, though. I think there is a big difference between having a fear that something is missing, based on looking at other people’s lives, and really knowing at deep bone level that regardless of everyone else’s lives or thoughts or opinions, YOU still need something different (just as @ChristmasTreeMagic says she felt). For example, there are people who make £100K a year and fear it’s not enough. Would I ever tell them they’re ridiculous? Absolutely not, but the fear might not be real. And to someone who is not yet 30, I would say that it’s completely okay to be afraid that your life is too small, that you’ve missed opportunities - and maybe some of that fear IS real. But I do honestly believe that there will be so much more. And if that fear starts to change to a deep feeling that things need to change, that you want to retrain or live somewhere else or… who knows. Then make a plan and do that. You are smart and capable and you can do that and so much more. And very, very best of luck.

And to anyone reading my comments over 30, or 40, or 50, this applies to you as well. Please, live the life you imagine.

Your life sounds exactly where it needs to be at this moment. Kids settled, nice standard of living.

Kids grow up very quickly, look forward to weekends away as a couple when they are old enough to be left.

There is absolutely no reason why you can't move abroad if that's what you want. I've lived in the Middle East with small children and had a blast. The kids have attended a couple of different primary schools due to moves, and are all well adjusted teens now with lots of friends.

Moved back to England to the opposite end of the country from family and started again.

Don't look at the negatives, but instead count your blessings.

I think your life sounds lovely. I say this as someone who has my children late and has moved hundreds of miles from my home town. Now I'm perimenopausal with children who need me. I'll be 60 before they night consider leaving home.
I'm too far from my lovely parents so don't see them enough. It would have been lovely to have their support when the children were young. I desperately wish I could help them now as they're old and frail but I'm just too far.
I envy people like you. When you're in your 40s you'll have so much freedom and be young enough to enjoy it. You'll get to have more time with grandchildren (should your children have children). Presumably you're close to your parents which is good.
You enjoy a couple of holidays a year. I'd say count your blessings.

99% of peope's lives are 'small' and 'ordinary' - even the lives of people on £100k+ as people have said, don't compare. It doesn't sound as though you have some specific thing missing, just a niggle brought on by comparing other people's lives. Remember there are people out there with more apparently 'exciting' lives who would give that up to have a partner and kids.

I think this is a stage everyone goes through when they have children regardless of age. Suddenly you are trapped by your own life. I was perfectly happy with my choices beforehand but suddenly, stuck at home with a baby I was fantasising about winning the lottery (never done that before) just because of the freedom money represented. It does get easier as they get older.

You also seem to equate a bigger life with more travel and money. You don't need those things to expand your world.

Get online and join a community, food, craft etc. I stopped consuming other people's content and started producing my own (art) and it's made a massive difference to my mental health and has lead to career opportunities. Carve out a little time to yourself to do something you love. Calling old friends, drawing, watching educational videos, learning about photography, learning a new piece of software, doing a free online course. Focus less on other people (believe me they have problems too) and start enhancing your own life.

Good post at 8.04, @5YearsLeft. I agree that you should pay attention to your feelings, not dismiss them, because other people think your life sounds fine. It wouldn’t have suited me, but I made very different choices, which of course have their own consequences now. I think you should think carefully, but without panic, about what a ‘bigger life’ would look like to you, and think about what steps you can start to put in place. For one thing, you can certainly move. DS was very happy at school, but we still moved countries when he was seven.

Sorry, posted too soon. He’s now very happy here. But the fact that he was happy where we used to live didn’t make me feel we needed to stay.

Op if you want more, then you can have more. You can retrain, start a new career, earn more money, travel, kids can ultimately change school . There is so much you can all do .

complaining you settled in your twenties and not wishing to do anything to change it, finding reasons not to is on you. It is a decision you’re making.

You are not even 30! There is so much time ahead. Life with little children is small for almost everyone.

For travel, I have a spreadsheet of places I'd like to take the kids and which year we'll do it. For example I've always wanted to go to Corfu and I think we'll manage it next year. Would doing the forward planning help you feel more in control?

And still plenty of time to retrain if you want to try a different job. Law, accountancy/book keeping, project management, graphic design - all well paid and can be done remotely.

When you have children, there’s a big chunk of about 15 years where not much happens. People don’t make big moves - jobs, houses, locations, relationships- because of the kids and things like travelling is restricted due to school holidays, which are limited and expensive. Life is very, very routine.

But is only for those years and life is different before and will be after. You just have to stay sane through this bit.

Travel if you can

I also had my kids young and I'm so pleased that I did travel with them and saw lots of amazing places

As I've got older I've now got a chronic disease that limits what I can do - I certainly couldn't do long haul travel and lots of walking now so I'm grateful for the life I had when I was younger

If you've got your health, you're more wealthy than you realise so book some trips and maybe find some hobbies you enjoy? Life doesn't have to be so small at the stage you are at

Yes, that is also true. A tough truth, but nonetheless. Having children is no reason not to do something. Other people being happy with the status quo is no reason not to change it. If I’d asked my then seven year old whether he wanted to move countries he’d have said no, obviously.