Accidentally settled for such a small life

[longingfor]

I didn't really realise until it was too late, but I had my kids at 22 and 25. I got married at 26. I live not far at all from where I was born and raised. My eldest is happy and settled in school so I can't move, my husband is happy here. It's not an urban area (small town in Wales), jobs are limited. I do admin and earn £26k, even if I re-train the only jobs around here are within the NHS or the local council. We go on holiday once a year, but mainly kid friendly sunny breaks. I have good friends and do a city break with them once a year. My life is just so small though, isn't it? One of my sisters lives in Australia and is experiencing a whole new life to what we knew. My other sister has an amazing career and makes over £100k a year, doesn't have kids, goes on amazing holidays and seems to be out all the time having meals and drinks and experiences. I love my kids and my house and my husband and my friends but I can't help but feel panicky when I think about the choices I've made. How much I've limited myself to a place which can't do anything for me. I feel claustrophobic. I don't know why I'm posting, I've made my bed and now I need to lie in it, I suppose. Be grateful for the good bits, my kids etc. It just feels a bit like, is this it? I'm not even 30 yet, and it feels like everything is just done, and small. I don't know.

First - stop yourself right now from comparing your one life to several other people's lives. Because no one life has everything.

If I had to choose your life or your 100kpa sister's life, it would be yours in a heartbeat. No amount of money or fancy restaurants could ever be as rewarding and fulfilling, or as much of an adventure as having DC.

Personally, I'd rather live in Wales than Australia, too.

But the main thing is - your life doesn't have to be small. You can widen it at any point. You had DC young which means you will still be young when they are grown. Start making plans now - save a bit of money with a once-in-a-lifetime trip in mind, do some studying - start with free online uni courses, not accredited but gets you into the habit of learning, learn a language - free duolingo app is a good start. Start a book club and choose books that make you think. Get political. Or ecological. Find your passion and start contributing towards it changing the world for the better.

Broaden your family's perspective too. As DC get older, they'll be more up for a city break than a bit of sun and sand. Take them to Rome or Paris or Venice. Or a camel trek in Morocco - some of those adventure holidays are reasonably priced.

At any age and in almost any situation, certainly in yours, you can broaden your life experiences and goals.

They really didn’t, you know. Some people have always wanted more life, adventure, opportunity, excitement. I was well into adulthood brfore the advent of SM, and have never really used it, but I knew from my teens that the kind of life I was expected to have (leave school at 16, work in a shop, marry young, stay local, being a SAHM to lots of children) wasn’t for me, so I got a passport and an au pair job abroad, having never left the country before (neither had my parents) and applied for scholarships to overseas universities. I didn’t get infected with discontent by Instagram, this was the 80s!

I think you are out of the all consuming depths of raising tiny children and now have space to think is all this all there is?
You need to build in more excitement to your life. You talk about your sister being out all the time having meals, drinks and experiences. You can not do exactly what she does, but you can have more fun in your life.
I used to take my kids youth hostelling, and exploring places near me. I use Atlas Obscura to find new places. Or if you prefer nights out then see what you can do cheaply with friends.
I think it is common to come out the depths of raising tiny children which is all consuming, and when you finally have a bit of space to breathe you think is this all. I had moved far away from my home town but still recognise that feeling at this point. It is really about making time to do new things you enjoy.

are you happy though with this life ? If not then do something about it!

DO you actually want to move to Australia or similar?? would you like to travel more? take up a new hobby??

I'd start with figuring out what you could do to make things better / more interesting

You could pack up / rent your house out and go off travelling for a few months / a year!

Or you could do something smaller - like take up rock climbing or some sort of water sport or whatever your interested in!!

Go and do a podiatry degree. The job is 9-5 with weekends and bank holidays off. After a year you can be up to band 6, you can go through the bandings much quicker than nursing. Or you can do private podiatry. I earned 5k a month at one time doing private practise although I prefer NHS.

Your life actually sounds lovely. I have a 25 year old daughter who is autistic. She would absolutely love to have a job, a husband and kids. She would swap you in the blink of an eye.

As you’re not even 30 yet you have everything to plan for. You could retrain for anything you want.

Save up and visit your sisters. I think the one without kids may eventually regret it. It's not always a choice.

I have no problems with my happy life, married,4 kids,live in a small community all my life,family all around and love it

Some of the contented people are starting to sound rather close to smug or almost as if @longingfor should not feel that she want to consider a change in her lifestyle.

Jesus Christ. You brought a tear to my eye.
I wish you all the very best. X

No amount of money or fancy restaurants could ever be as rewarding and fulfilling, or as much of an adventure as having DC

That's only the case if you want children, surely, @AmaryllisChorus. It's also not an either/or situation. It's perfectly possible to have lots of money, eat in fancy restaurants and have children.

I'm amused that several posts seem to think women face a choice between a humdrum-but-loving smalltown life as a parent and an empty-but-well-heeled existence of fancy restaurants and 'soulless' hotel rooms. Who made this rule?

Yes, having kids young can be a blessing.

You have a happy life! And you’re still young - you have plenty of time to do other things.

Nothing wrong with it at all. I did the opposite, left, travelled worked away in a vocation ra ra. It’s been fab but I’ve missed out in being close to family, being a community I grew up in, kids because it never seemed the right time and then I was getting on a bit (I’m ok with it). You actually can’t have it all. Instead of letting this feeling ruin what sounds like a perfectly lovely life why not take it as a sign to start thinking about how to shake things up a bit in the life you have now and ultimately laying the foundations for the life you will have once the kids have flown the nest.

This is why having kids young is bad. You've not experienced your life.
You should have travelled a bit - seen some parts of the world

She can easily do that in her 40s when her kids are old enough to be living their own lives.

I had a kid in my teen, kid in my mid 20s and kid in my 30s... trust me having done all 3 I can say my oldest (when I was a teen) was by FAR the best and easiest.

The only issue that got 'better' with the later two was less judgemental older people with no personal experience looking down on you and telling you you made a 'mistake' and treating you like crap. Everything else was far harder.

Totally disagree. I wish I had not listened to people and had my children young.
There are advantages to having them young.

i had my 2 kids and got married in my early 20s and I keep having similar feelings about having ‘done’ the milestones when I’m barely into my 30s.

My baby and toddler raising days are well over and it making me feel sad! It’s weird because my children are older and so much easier now, we can do so much more as a family etc but I’m finding myself really envious of friends who are just planning their weddings/getting pregnant now.
.

Do not fear - you are still very young. Your time for exploring new careers and places to live is yet to come.

I’m 29 next month, I have a 4 yo daughter happy at school and a little house, a husband, yearly holidays, a good set of friends and I am also in admin on £26k (although my city is expensive 😂). I could not be more happy! I’m so grateful for my stable little life and little house. I get what you’re saying, I still live in my hometown and my daughter will probably be going to the same secondary school - I try not to compare myself to others because without considering them I’m quite content with everything how it is. I also know that when I didn’t have all this and was out partying, living in expensive areas of my city and whatnot I felt quite empty. Also - I had my daughter at 24 - when she’s 21 I will only be 45, with tonnes more money and free to do whatever I like! I’m excited for that too.

You totally misunderstood what I said there by jumping to assumptions! Of course it isn't either, or.

But if the OP has a tendency to compare herself with lots of other people, cherry picking the nest of all their lives and comparing it with the worst of her one life, of course she will feel like she's achieved less.

So I was comparing one sister 's life with her life, then the other sisters, one by one and pointing out how she already had something one sister didn't. It's easy to take for granted what we have and hanker after what someone else has without recognising they don't have what we have.

So your eldest is 8? If you wanted to leave or retrain for a better career opportunity you could, I thought you meant they were starting their GCSE's or something. You could access funding for an activity you enjoy or even do a course through the open university or a local college.

Your life is only as small as you make it

Congratulations to OP she wants to change in a way that will improve her life.
She seems not to want to remain complacent. As some of the posts are implying.
Good for her, it is the way we improve the world.

^ This.

Be grateful for what you have, stop comparing. Someone else always has more (and also much less) whether it’s financially, emotionally, or what have you.

YABVU (I know it isn’t Aibu!) but you aren’t even 30 Op! You have your whole life ahead of you. What do you want? could you retrain? Where do you see yourself in five / ten years?

My life is 'small' now. It never used to be and I've had some great experiences but I wouldn't trade this contentment for anything. It's perfect for me.

Obviously it wouldn't be for everyone.