Accidentally settled for such a small life

[longingfor]

I didn't really realise until it was too late, but I had my kids at 22 and 25. I got married at 26. I live not far at all from where I was born and raised. My eldest is happy and settled in school so I can't move, my husband is happy here. It's not an urban area (small town in Wales), jobs are limited. I do admin and earn £26k, even if I re-train the only jobs around here are within the NHS or the local council. We go on holiday once a year, but mainly kid friendly sunny breaks. I have good friends and do a city break with them once a year. My life is just so small though, isn't it? One of my sisters lives in Australia and is experiencing a whole new life to what we knew. My other sister has an amazing career and makes over £100k a year, doesn't have kids, goes on amazing holidays and seems to be out all the time having meals and drinks and experiences. I love my kids and my house and my husband and my friends but I can't help but feel panicky when I think about the choices I've made. How much I've limited myself to a place which can't do anything for me. I feel claustrophobic. I don't know why I'm posting, I've made my bed and now I need to lie in it, I suppose. Be grateful for the good bits, my kids etc. It just feels a bit like, is this it? I'm not even 30 yet, and it feels like everything is just done, and small. I don't know.

Whereas I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to lead a life that’s distinguished and extraordinary.

It’s sad that people are falling over themselves to denigrate the pursuit of a distinguished and extraordinary life.

‘Soulless hotel rooms’ to categorise a stimulating career that takes you all around the world, really?

Talk of ‘snakes and spiders’ to belittle the idea of leaving your home town to move across the world for a more exciting life. How silly.

You don't have a 'small' life you have a standard average life like almost everyone else.

You description is so similar to my life and almost everyone I know. I only know 1 or 2 people that emigrated and honestly I don't envy them. There lives aren't wildly different to mine just in a warmer places and without family (and family is the best thing about my life).

I think you need to listen to that 'claustrophobic' feeling. I wonder if this is where midlife crisis/low mood/affairs stem from because people choose to ignore these feelings for so long they just explode.

Find a way out, set yourself a goal and leave. Even if it's temporary (travelling as a family) or later on (when youngest has finished GCSEs) you need a whole new revamp but don't loose your family in the process.

Living a good life is not always about money, meals out and fancy holidays…..or even, necessarily, about new experiences. A good life is full of love and appreciating the smaller things. The things you have. The things you can do for others. The kids will grow, there’s still plenty of opportunity for new experiences. Enjoy what you have and aim for the things you’d like.

I feel like this, I can't move as have a 7 year old with my ex so will always need to stay close until he's left home which is obviously over 10 years away. But I will move after she leaves home. I've lived here all my life and just want to experience more in the world. It's hard feeling trapped but it's not forever.

I live in the city I was born in. In fact the hospital I was born in is about ten minutes walk from my front door. I didn't go to uni, I've always lived within about five miles of where I live now.

I always wanted to move away. I came close in my early 20s but I'd met DP by then. She had moved here from elsewhere and felt happy here, so it didn't happen. We had DS and at 40 now I just see it as something that's not going to happen.

I have friends who I always looked at and thought they were doing better than me. Running businesses. Earning six figures. Owning nice cars and property. Moving away, working for global companies.

We chat pretty honestly and open to each other. One guy who works all over the country earning a lot of money craves the time he gets to spend back at home with his mum and dad. Another who runs his own business is sick of going home to his empty house. Both want to settle down and have families but see it as a clock is ticking situation.

We all fall into the trap of looking at other people with envy at times, but it's not always a case that things are as good as they look.

Agreed. I mean, I don’t think anyone who doesn’t want a ‘distinguished and extraordinary’ life is wrong. People should want what they want, and work towards making it possible. But I certainly don’t think people should be discouraging someone from paying attention to her own dissatisfaction because she doesn’t want to spend her life watching boxsets in small town Wales, because they themselves are happy with that kind of life.

It sounds lovely to me. I live in a small coastal town, small home, quiet life, husband and young child. I'm so happy and have exactly what I want.

I would agree with PPs about staying away from social media. Lean into your life as it is now and see the joy in what you already have. If you wish it all away you'll regret it later in life and kick yourself for not appreciating what you have right now.

Do remember that this is just where you currently are in your life. Your children will grow up, things will change. You have your whole life ahead of you for all sorts of adventures. You can make them happen.

Practically though, they can't.

I would like to move but I can't because my eldests dad and their family are close by and it would be wrong to move away. Similarly his friends, schools, clubs are all here. I know people do it but it would feel wrong to move him away from all that. I would have hated it as a child.

Then there are school runs, childcare, work restrictions to think about.

I definitely don't feel like I can do what I want. I can't even have a lie in never mind travel and other big lifestyle changes. If you have lots of support and/or money then things are definitely easier but without these things it's so easy to become trapped in domestic life with small kids.

It wouldn’t be ‘wrong’. It would be a morally neutral choice that would inconvenience some people, but be good for others. It’s up to you to decide which of these is more mportsnt.

@longingfor

I agree with ubove poster's too

Just thinking 🤔 are in a position where you could have a break even just daytrips on your own or with friends to various places of interest for you then?

So have small adventures to places you like to see in the uk or elsewhere then?

so to get out of a rut and give you more cofindence

Why not start doing new interests hobbies too ect?

Eh? All women want to have kids young and feel trapped? Are you mad?

Also my advice OP... get a hobby, maybe an unusual one to add intrigue and excitement.

You will feel less 'small' if you can say I have paraglided off some of the tallest cliffs in norther Europe or I have dive shipwrecks for fun or I came second in the world wide ferret ballet competition.

Although theres nothing wrong with more standard hobbies either like Yoga or home brewing or Origami etc... they are all really cool skills that will bring you into new words and impress people.

My list of hobbies usually attracts lots of attention, the way people you react you would think I lived a wild and crazy life but they aren't anything crazy (gymnastics done a couple of competitions, performed in a few theater shows etc...). People are usually just amazed by things that are outside the norm of their own life.

This is not always the case and shouldn't be assumed. None of us knows the future. Yes, there may be opportunities later on for travel, study and whatever else the OP might like to consider when the time comes - but the future isn't guaranteed.

It's best not to defer doing things that you know you want to do until some undefined point in the future, as one's actual future life may not be the same as expected.

The only lives we truly know we can have are the one we've lived so far and the one we're living right now.

So much of this is about outlook. Yes you could look at your life as being "trapped" as others have said, or you can view it as stability, comfort, safe etc, having the family you wanted.

It's getting a balance between changing what is reasonably within your control, and having gratitude for what you have.

You can be grateful for your life, whilst still have short and long term goals/aspirations. Sounds like you need to work out what yours are, you're comparing yourself to your sisters, but what do YOU want?

Your post reminded me of this poem. It might be controversial to some but I believe it wholeheartedly.

Don't compare. Although I do it too. Your sister can earn a decent wage if there are no children to consider. I'd have goy promoted at least 2 x had it not been for me not being able to do certain things at work. Its my own choice so I don't moan. She can go all over the place because she had funds.
I'm mid 40s with 2 primary aged children. I really wish I had them younger. You will get your time when you are still young enough to enjoy it. Keep your chin up.

I actually wish I'd had kids young like you. In your 40s you'll be free and still young. You can go travelling but with more money. You can also change career. There's plenty of time, so enjoy your kids and family and what you have now!

Most peoples' lives are what you describe as "small". The trick is to appreciate small things (and the lack of drama that often accompanies "big" lives). There are small ways of expanding your life, too: I studied part-time over my whole lifetime, ending up with a PhD at 50. Along the way I met amazing people and got lots of opportunities I wouldn't otherwise have had - speaking at conferences, publishing papers, taking on research projects both at home and eventually abroad. All while living a small suburban life, bringing up a family and working in a very average job. I ended up having a film short made about one of the projects I worked on, and in which I appeared. I was totally made up! Anyway - all I'm saying is even if you take tiny steps you eventually end up somewhere you didn't think you even intended to go!

But people leading (comparatively) non-ordinary lives also eat tomatoes, pears etc and cry when pets and loved ones die! It’s a completely straw man argument.

For a time I studied the psychology of people at work. Unfortunately I can only think of questions that you need to ask yourself and absorb the answers..

What would you like to change? Is it about feeling that you could do more?
Would you like to do something which enables you to have more discretion in a job/career rather than you have to take instructions from someone senior?
You separate this already I hope between being busy and having the motivation to take on senior roles or change careers?

Being busy with hobbies or past-times such as gym or sport. Versus getting a new qualification for which you have to be motivated.
Do You have to remain in the town where you live?

This is a very moving post. One thing I would add to that is be careful of your fantasy life. Your life where you turn left not right, where you dumped your boyfriend, not married him. Nothing bad happens in your fantasy life. No facing challenges. No routine you have to cope with. As someone who constantly thinks of the ‘what ifs’, I have to remind myself that my fantasy persona never gets fed up, always has something exciting on the go and never falls ill. And the best thing is that you are likely to be living someone’s fantasy life. A home, loving husband and children and living in a land full of coast and scenery. There will be chances to travel and experiences when your children are older. Right now, your life feels small because you are raising little ones with your dh. So maybe embrace it for now while writing down the things you want to be able to do when you can. And lots of good advice here regarding jobs.

Before social media people just lived thier lives, yes in thier little town and people were content. Now with social media its influencer this and influencer that, so and so going on fancy holiday, new this etc. It can be hard to remember that this is peoples highlight reels or that they are being paid to promote.

I had my children in my late 20s and worked very part time as a waitress etc for years. I am now in my early 40s, my kids are teens and more independent. DH earns more now and I work full time in a great job that sometimes involves travelling abroad. I still feel young enough to experience lift and know that I have time once the kids are grown to go on fancier holidays etc.

❤️❤️❤️❤️🌈🌈🌈💐💐💐💐

Lovely message. I was going to say I hope you enjoy every moment of the rest of your life that you have left but that's unrealistic...I hope that you embrace every moment that you have left.