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Original poster

Accidentally settled for such a small life

240 replies

longingfor · 08/03/2024 07:02

I didn't really realise until it was too late, but I had my kids at 22 and 25. I got married at 26. I live not far at all from where I was born and raised. My eldest is happy and settled in school so I can't move, my husband is happy here. It's not an urban area (small town in Wales), jobs are limited. I do admin and earn £26k, even if I re-train the only jobs around here are within the NHS or the local council. We go on holiday once a year, but mainly kid friendly sunny breaks. I have good friends and do a city break with them once a year. My life is just so small though, isn't it? One of my sisters lives in Australia and is experiencing a whole new life to what we knew. My other sister has an amazing career and makes over £100k a year, doesn't have kids, goes on amazing holidays and seems to be out all the time having meals and drinks and experiences. I love my kids and my house and my husband and my friends but I can't help but feel panicky when I think about the choices I've made. How much I've limited myself to a place which can't do anything for me. I feel claustrophobic. I don't know why I'm posting, I've made my bed and now I need to lie in it, I suppose. Be grateful for the good bits, my kids etc. It just feels a bit like, is this it? I'm not even 30 yet, and it feels like everything is just done, and small. I don't know.

OP posts:
SquareCrumpets · 08/03/2024 08:39

I think it is sad that so many women have a chunk of life where they think “I can’t do what I like because I have children.” I’d be willing to bet that most of their partners don’t think that way.

If you are dissatisfied then you could discuss that with your partner. Maybe they need to step up a bit so that you can make the changes that you want to your life. On the positive side, you have had your children early enough that you have years of active life ahead of you, and you can make changes now that could make that life more fulfilling. Only you can decide what a better life will look like for you.

LadyNijo · 08/03/2024 08:41

True, @SquareCrumpets.

HoorayFriday · 08/03/2024 08:42

If you want to do more, you have a whole new chapter when your DC are old enough. Travel and make memories!
I have a fear of dying with regrets. There's so much I want to see and do, I've always wished I'd moved away to a better area when I had the chance, but now my life is made where I grew up. Its not too late to still make plans though, you have a whole chapter ahead so get making that bucket list a reality!

1dayatatime · 08/03/2024 08:50

After reading the description of your life I am quite envious and I am sure that there are many others that feel the same way.

Sadly many people whilst happy in their current set up feel under pressure from social media, friends etc to be living a bigger faster life.
They then either continue to live in their current set up but no longer feel happy about it or they go constantly searching for a better life only to realise at the end that they already had that life at the beginning.

Fulshaw · 08/03/2024 08:53

I think it is sad that so many women have a chunk of life where they think “I can’t do what I like because I have children.”

But I think that’s the reality because you have to put the children first.

I’d like to spend six months working on a farm in Australia. I’d like to move to Edinburgh for a great job. I’d like do to a degree in foreign languages. I’d like to take up marathon running.

All of those things have financial, emotional and practical implications for partners and children and you can’t just be selfish and say you’re doing it.

LadyNijo · 08/03/2024 09:00

Fulshaw · 08/03/2024 08:53

I think it is sad that so many women have a chunk of life where they think “I can’t do what I like because I have children.”

But I think that’s the reality because you have to put the children first.

I’d like to spend six months working on a farm in Australia. I’d like to move to Edinburgh for a great job. I’d like do to a degree in foreign languages. I’d like to take up marathon running.

All of those things have financial, emotional and practical implications for partners and children and you can’t just be selfish and say you’re doing it.

And yet I can think of lots of parents I know who have moved countries for a job (me included), retrained or who train for marathons.

If you’re choosing to limit yourself, fine. But don’t say ‘it’s impossible because I have children’.

piealhxiprshl · 08/03/2024 09:07

All of those things have financial, emotional and practical implications for partners and children and you can’t just be selfish and say you’re doing it.

Sure but there is a middle ground and doesn't have to default to being at home all the time. DH goes away for months at a time for his work, parenting hasn't stopped him doing his dream job, he's a great dad, I went back to university post kids, we have moved to different places in the UK (and could move abroad if we wanted to, but it's more my desire to stay in my own job which is UK centred that stops that). And no we have not always been financially fluid (we are now; thanks to some of those decisions), in fact when I went back to uni we were still on tax credits.

scatteredgreymatter · 08/03/2024 09:09

Upskill yourself! There is no reason in the modern world why where you live needs to govern what career you can do. You sound ambitious and that's great. Aim to be qualified in something you feel passionate about by the time your children are a bit bigger. Ask your sisters for advice!

bowlingalleyblues · 08/03/2024 09:10

So, what do you want now that you’ve come down from the flurry of tiny kids, weddings etc?

No point in saying sister is in Australia, other sister earning big bucks…what do you want?

You could be….

  • learning bulgarian and going backpacking through bulgaria with your kids instead of the normal beach holiday
  • Set up a side hustle as a virtual PA to celebrities
  • Becoming a surfer, and entering surfing competitions
  • Entering the world of romance writing and joining a community of writers online as you create your debut novel

You’re ready for something a bit more, so you’re going to have to think outside the norm and find what really excites you instead of just following a completely predictable path. You don’t need to completely change your job or go and work for the council or move house to get more out of life.

potato57 · 08/03/2024 09:11

BranchGold · 08/03/2024 07:10

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Having your children young does mean you can get out a lot earlier into the next phase of life, if that’s what you want. By 45 you can travel, study, pick up new hobbies, sit and watch box sets.

Sit and watch box sets 😂What an aspiration. More depressing than anything!!

potato57 · 08/03/2024 09:13

Have you looked into the concept of ikigai?

It might help you figure out what's missing and what you need to change.

piealhxiprshl · 08/03/2024 09:16

Sit and watch box sets 😂What an aspiration. More depressing than anything!!

That's the main thing I manage to do no problem as a parent...😬😂

Copelia · 08/03/2024 09:17

OP, you are so young and yet you sound really beaten down.

You have lots of time and opportunity to do different things with your life. Even while your children are small- for example you really don't have to do that style of holiday if you find it boring. Why not try something completely different? I know it's easy to go for what you know but maybe just getting out of your comfort zone a bit in small things will give you the confidence to do so in larger things.

How does your DH feel? Do you think he'd be up for making changes?

Doing the things you describe your sisters doing involves taking risks- such as moving to the other side of the world. Yes the equation changes a bit while you have children but not that much, you just need to plan more. But nothing will change unless you make it happen and that will involve risk.

Also, because you had kids young you'll still be young when they are grown up, so hopefully plenty of time to really shake things up then. But you don't have to wait until then.

anothernamitynamenamechange · 08/03/2024 09:18

I think feeling slightly restless/dissatisfied can be a good thing. Talking to my friends its normally a prelude to making positive changes, finding something new and unexpected around the corner. I don't mean run away from your husband and children to hitchhike around Uzbekistan. But (for example) think about what you really want to do/what you wish you had done and retrain for that. Ignore the fact that you live in rural Wales with small children. in 10 years time you will be in a completely different stage of life and sometimes opportunities come up unexpectedly anyway. But just studying for something you are interested in is worthwhile in itself. Being relatively stable emotionally, financially and physically is the best time to start branching out/building your skills base.
But you do need to figure out what it is you actually want in an ideal world (which is different to comparing your life to your sister etc so try to stop doing that because it will get in the way).

Crushed23 · 08/03/2024 09:19

As others have said, you’ll still only be in your 40s when you come out the other side of parenting, so keep fit and healthy and you’ll be able to do your adventuring then. 😊

theduchessofspork · 08/03/2024 09:21

Well life with small kids is rarely terribly exciting.

You are going to have a lot of time when they are grown through, so I’d focus on enjoying the life you have now and planning for a ‘bigger’ life, if that’s what you want, in your 40s.

It would be sensible to put some thought into increasing your earning power though. The NHS offers good career progression in some cases, otherwise you could look at teaching, accountancy etc. If there really aren’t any opportunities to be had where you are I’d talk to your husband about moving nearer a city, because you don’t want to be earning that low till your 40s if you can help it

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/03/2024 09:23

Noooo.

I had a job lie your sister. It was hateful. Just hateful. I’m so glad l got out of it.
I’d hate to live abroad

Ypur life sounds the best tbh out of them.

Crushed23 · 08/03/2024 09:26

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/03/2024 09:23

Noooo.

I had a job lie your sister. It was hateful. Just hateful. I’m so glad l got out of it.
I’d hate to live abroad

Ypur life sounds the best tbh out of them.

But it’s not a competition, people like different things.

Having children in your early 20s and living in a small town in Wales is not objectively better than being a high flyer earning £100k and living overseas, or vice versa.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 08/03/2024 09:28

Don't compare your life to others. You have roots and you have your people close by.....lots of people would be envious of that.

TheFancyPoet · 08/03/2024 09:29

I honestly think you achieved the dream of all women from all ages from all cultures. Be grateful for it. Do you honestly, having a life, eating daily in restaurants and drinking, do you call that exciting ? About the Australian nature and sight seeing - yes, though all the snakes and spiders and scorching temperatures

Cosycover · 08/03/2024 09:30

I think you're life sounds great.

For me life isn't about careers, travel etc. It's about people. And it sounds like you have a great group of people around you who you love and who love you.

Life's pleasures are in the small things.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 08/03/2024 09:30

Having kids young meant mine had left home by my late 40's and after a period of sadness and missing them I've started loving my freedom! I can do nothing or something, anytime I want which makes me smile a lot!

Lampslights · 08/03/2024 09:30

TheFancyPoet · 08/03/2024 09:29

I honestly think you achieved the dream of all women from all ages from all cultures. Be grateful for it. Do you honestly, having a life, eating daily in restaurants and drinking, do you call that exciting ? About the Australian nature and sight seeing - yes, though all the snakes and spiders and scorching temperatures

You can’t be serious?

BlackFriYay · 08/03/2024 09:32

I think there's something about approaching 30 that brings on this kind of feeling, not quite a crisis but a sense of wasted time, missing out on things everyone else seems to be doing or has done and feeling that you could've/should've done a lot more by now.

It's my 30th on Tuesday and I've been feeling exactly the same as you.

Summerhillsquare · 08/03/2024 09:33

Lots you can do: local politics or community work, set up a side business, try a totally new hobby (archaeology! Judo! Watercolours! Whatever), decorate your house, foster kids...