Who wants to bet that my DH will do fuck all for Mother's Day?

[PlaceYourBetsPlease]

He forgot Valentines Day this year and birthdays have been sporadic.

I used to tell myself I don't mind and it was okay because I was matching his energy and not doing anything for him either. But he doesn't notice or care if I give him nothing for Valentine's or his birthday.

After valentine's day recently I've come to admit that actually I think I do care. It hurts when he doesn't bother. And I told him this.

I have a suspicion Mother's Day will go unmarked. He will forget for his own mum too - but she lets him off. Which is why he's so crap with making any effort.

Anyway, I'm starting this thread wondering, based on the info above, what are the odds that I'll get nothing?

Results in one week!

I still disagree to a certain point, you should be caring out time on a regular basis to make sure you appreciate each other, date night, meal or just time together one evening.

That to me is what a healthy relationship is like. Not needing a special day to act like a reminder.

I think maybe you should sit down with him and work out doing something more often.

And now your changing the goalposts, fine, but you haven't even given him a chance to do anything for you.

Not to mention you're also comparing yourself to someone else which always ends on the road to misery

We don't do Valentine's Day or Mother's/Father's day. We used to do birthdays and Christmas but if we want something (within reason) we buy it, if we see something we think the other would like we buy that. I am so glad we got to this point when I look at the posts on here where so many people seem to be upset at all these "days."

I always find the "I went through hell to give him children so he should do xyz for me" a bit odd. I don't know about anyone else but I had children because I wanted them. Fortunately my husband also wanted them but I don't expect him to be grateful for me doing something I wanted to do. I assume I'm not alone as some women choose to have children alone so they don't expect anyone to be grateful.

I suppose if a woman didn't want children but had them because it was what her husband wanted then he probably should be grateful but that isn't how it usually works is it?

I "let my children off" but actually what I'm doing is telling them not to pay double for flowers they could buy any time or buy a box of chocolates when actually I generally prefer a bar of my favourite chocolate rather than a mix of chocolates where I won't like half of them. If they all have a headloss and have flowers delivered I have to say thank you when thinking what do I do with 4 bouquets and where can I find something to put them in as I don't have enough vases.

They all phone me at least once a week, they don't live locally as all ended up with jobs in their university cities, so I hear from them all year round, they visit regularly so I call my house the B&B and have a diary for their "bookings" as I don't have space for all of them plus partners and GC to stay.

My point is we are all different, view the world in our own way so I think it is really unfair to blame his mother for not ensuring he does something your way rather than her way.

He’s a wanker @PlaceYourBetsPlease

My DH always makes an effort as do I. Last year we had had a stonking row a couple of days before and had barely spoken to each other. DD had made something at nursery and DH had gone out with her and got flowers and chocs and cooked an amazing lunch and put my favourite film on after. Nothing expensive but he made an effort
despite the fact we were still absolutely livid with each other (it was over something big, money related).

There’s no excuse. We have had to do very low key birthdays for each other for a few years as we have been skint. We have still marked it with something thoughtful even when we have only had £10.

Unless your relationship is in other ways absolutely perfect he is not a keeper. And if it was I don’t think you would care about this, it’s symbolic of other issues.

Op, congrats about being the first poster to complain about your dh on mothers day. Next Sunday this board will be full of posts like yours.

The moral is, if hes hopeless at presents, buy your own

If we ever meet, I'm buying you a pint for that first paragraph alone.

Well I can ask and he can say no.

I'm allowed to ask and he's allowed to say no.

If he says no, does that mean that he'd rather maintain the status quo - because that's how it's always been - rather than adapt to do something very small and low-effort to make me happy?

Do things have to stay the same forever? Do relationships and needs not evolve? Under what circumstances is it reasonable to ask your partner to behave a bit differently?

Well if you both want children he only has to orgasm and wait nine months. All the physical risks and efforts of growing a human inside her body are undertaken by the woman. I think that's deserving of some consideration.

But but but but.........Don't you have (MN) standards... 🤔

If he's a decent bloke, just cut out the middle man and buy your own bloody chocolates.

All this angst !! Only on mumsnet!..

low effort in your opinion. I would not say low effort at all. I would say expensive, hassles and highly fraught and stressful.

How about the point of view that you can forgo this (ultimately pointless and meaningless) thing to help make him happy?

You are not his mother. Why should he do anything?

"low effort in your opinion. I would not say low effort at all. I would say expensive, hassles and highly fraught and stressful"

A card and a bunch of flowers or a cup of tea in bed is fraught and stressful?!

Do you generally find life quite difficult?

Because I am the mother of his children. And, to be honest, the main parent. Since he is out of the house every day from 7.30-7.30 and I do everything.

Because presumably he put the children into OP?

And mother's day means something to her, so he should be prepared to take the kids to a Tesco and get a bunch of flowers with them and draw round their hand in a card or similar?

@IvorTheEngineDriver because her children are too tiny to do something themselves.

but its always going to be not quite the right card, or the wrong sort of flowers, or too cheap, or too expensive and a waste of money, or "don't you remember I don't like that sort of flowers" or the message isn't in the card isn't (FILL IN THE BLANK) enough, or whatever, whatever, whatever.

And after all the hassle of going out and buying it, and hiding it ,or not hiding it, and delivering it, and then putting the flowers in water, and then they are poisonous to the cat, and then they will hang around until long dead, smelling, or they will be thrown out too early, or they have been grown by slave labour, and they are damaging the environment, and yada yada yada yada yada yada yada.

And then you will be on his head with comments like "do you generally find life quite so difficult" when someone has taken some time to try and do something for you, as you have just demonstrated, when I was trying to help you see the other point of view, and that all this cards and crap might be a "nice" thing in your point of view, but a re a really horrible thing in other people's point of view.

"but its always going to be not quite the right card, or the wrong sort of flowers, or too cheap, or too expensive and a waste of money, or "don't you remember I don't like that sort of flowers" or the message isn't in the card isn't (FILL IN THE BLANK) enough, or whatever, whatever, whatever.
And after all the hassle of going out and buying it, and hiding it ,or not hiding it, and delivering it, and then putting the flowers in water, and then they are poisonous to the cat, and then they will hang around until long dead, smelling, or they will be thrown out too early, or they have been grown by slave labour, and they are damaging the environment, and yada yada yada yada yada yada yada"

What?

Who are you talking about? You've never met me.

no, but I have had a conversation with you on here

Really, you want thanks for doing something you wanted to do. It isn't like you offered to do it instead of him, if you wanted a child you did what almost all women do if they are lucky enough to be able to do it.

And that way you can guarantee you get the right ones.

You are not his mother. Why should he do anything?.

MM is literally the only place I have ever heard someone say this.
Every single man I know who has young kids organises something for the mother of his children and vice versa on Father's Day.

Despite some posters protestations it's not a difficult thing to do or an unreasonable thing to expect.

... he'd rather maintain the status quo - because that's how it's always been - rather than adapt to do something very small and low-effort to make me happy

I'm so sorry, @PlaceYourBetsPlease - all this is clearly about so much more than Mother's Day. Start another thread about everything that is going on - when you're ready 💐