Who wants to bet that my DH will do fuck all for Mother's Day?

[PlaceYourBetsPlease]

He forgot Valentines Day this year and birthdays have been sporadic.

I used to tell myself I don't mind and it was okay because I was matching his energy and not doing anything for him either. But he doesn't notice or care if I give him nothing for Valentine's or his birthday.

After valentine's day recently I've come to admit that actually I think I do care. It hurts when he doesn't bother. And I told him this.

I have a suspicion Mother's Day will go unmarked. He will forget for his own mum too - but she lets him off. Which is why he's so crap with making any effort.

Anyway, I'm starting this thread wondering, based on the info above, what are the odds that I'll get nothing?

Results in one week!

Is it really considered unreasonable to expect a husband and father to make some sort of acknowledgement of Mothers' day for the mother of his children?

what a bind I mean it will be on your calender every year like other dates. .more faux outrage that someone else is causing "you" inconvenience "

I just told you, it's not on my phone's bank holidays calendar. It's not "on [my] calender every year like other dates".

Either you didn't read or you're calling me a liar, and if it's the latter then there's going to be some very real outrage.

More faux outrage

It's not "more" because this is my first post on this thread. It's not "faux outrage" or even real outrage, it's frustration that this date moves every year and I keep getting blindsided by it. Taking my mum for lunch isn't so inconvenient that I would be annoyed about it, she is after all my mum, but having it come out of the blue every year is a pain in the backside.

If you do nothing for him on valentines/birthdays etc then why would you expect him to do anything for you? It goes both ways, you’ve both agreed not to exchange gifts.

So here's a thought ... let's all stop getting so worked up about the importance of a single date, and you just take your mum to lunch whenever you feel like it and you both want to?

I've checked - no mention of children in her one and only post 🤔

@Catopia Dh set a great standard to show love and care toward not just me but them too. Booked their birthday off every year, attended every sports day to show how important they were to him. Explained that if I said ooh I like that to write it in their phones and magically these items appeared on my birthday or whatever. He taught them to pay attention to those around them. They are brilliant kids, well adults now. My MIL did a brilliant job with Dh, I want my DILs to have kind and caring husbands.

I agree @ColleenDonaghy Mother's/Father's Day is different, it is a time for children to prioritise their parent, to think of someone else, to consider the things we do for them, like wave like a idiot each time the ride comes round, listen to them prattle on about Pokemon and be interested and listen. They in turn learn we are people, not just parents. They learn what gifts we like.

I'd have thought it was obvious that she has children if she's expecting to do something for mother's day.

Exactly! Your parents have birthdays and you can take them to lunch/the railway museum/etc whenever you like! No need for what a PP called "Hallmark holidays".

Mother's day is important to me. Mothering Sunday, as part of Lent and the more hallmark aspects of it too. It matters to me that it's marked.

But @foreverandalltime presumably you communicate the importance of it to you to your family so they know it is expected they mark the occasion?

No it's not in the real world. It's only in the world of Mumsnet where this is accepted it would seem. So so glad that isn't my reality. I'd never treat my mother like that.

@letstrythatagain I agree. It's also marked by everyone I know, no matter what their religion or cultural background.
Nothing extravagant but lots of visits to families and small gifts.

My point was, it’s still lovely to be given a card/small gift as well. Everyone appreciates being acknowledged…in much the same way as it’s appreciated if someone sent a ‘thank you’ card if you’ve helped in some way, a birthday card etc. It’s lovely to know someone has thought of you and taken the time to choose something with you in mind.

Rach to their own I think the biggest thing people.xan do is give their time, the only thing in the world noone can buy. It's not time buying a card etc, time spent with a person. I value that so much more than a card.

If you want to tell me how great a mum I am then tell me spend the time to come to me and tell me in person. So much more meaningful to me.

My friendships are the same we donr do cards or gifts instead we always carve out time to spend with each other and that is the gift we give each other.

The memories we build together in person are something I'd remember far more than a card posted or given to me.

@toomuchcardboard taken from the link you posted

Mothering Sunday in the UK
Mothers Day in the UK has its origins in the 16th century custom of ‘Mothering Sunday’, which fell on the fourth Sunday of Lent. That’s three Sundays before Easter, and the tie-in with the church calendar is why it’s always a bit confusing trying to work out when it is each year. The tradition was that you paid your ‘mother church’ a visit - either the church where you were christened, or your parish church, or the nearest cathedral - and you were said to be ‘going a-mothering’ when you did so.

On this day, which came to be known as Mothering Sunday, servants were given the day off to go back to the parish they were born, with children and other family members also joining in. Because this occasion was a rare opportunity for a family get-together, the focus of the day gradually shifted to visiting not just the mother church, but one’s own mother.

On the way to the church, people gathered wildflowers to leave in the church and to present to their mothers. And, although the day fell during Lent, the austerity was relaxed for Mothering Sunday and people treated their mothers to edible gifts such as Simnel cake, ‘mothering buns’ or fig pie.

Not an American invention, though they do have their own Mothers Day later in the year.

Anyway @PlaceYourBetsPlease One year my dh asked me what I wanted for Mothers Day as our three were very young. I said oh I don't know I don't need anything, and didn't give him any suggestions. The day came and I got nothing and I was so upset. He didn't realise that I'd want him to do something with the kids. It was the last time he failed to do anything with them for me.
It's not that your dh should do something for the day as it's not husbands or wives day, but that they are aiding their child to do something, and for a mum to feel a bit special for the day.
I hope he gets something for you with or on behalf of your child💐

I didn't the first few years to my DH, or rather, I was too subtle and he was not paying enough attention and so was upset by the lack of thought that went into it.

Now I am very clear about my expectations and DH gets it a bit more 😂

Maybe because they have young children and young children can’t go out and buy a card / present on their own.

No one will die if he doesn't do anything. It could be any day at any time. Surely your kids/
Him love you all year round

Gosh this is the first chance I've had to come back and read all the responses.

To answer some points in no particular order:

Yes I do have a life. I work and am also studying part time.

The kids are small and will need DH's prompting.

He was there for both their births and saw the shit I went through - for that alone I make no apologies for wanting a medal.

My mum is dead and has been for 20 years.

I guess what made me start this thread was that I was arranging a play date with another mum for the weekend and she said she'd have to check with her DH what he'd got planned for Mother's Day and let me know. My mind was blown at the idea that a husband might take the initiative and organise something to celebrate the mother of husband children.

I felt sad that that was such an alien concept.

I also find it sad that DH doesn't even want to mark his own occasions like his birthday and Father's Day. He honestly couldn't give a shit. I just think it's a shame to miss those opportunities to make someone feel special.

I know people say you can just show your love and appreciation on any day. But the fact is that when you've got your head down and you're just getting on with day to day life you do just forget. So significant dates act as good reminders for us to make the effort.

Anyway, I thought I was okay with not celebrating 'days'. But I think I just told myself that because I was taking my cue from DH and didn't fancy risking disappointment.

But I've changed my mind. I am a 'days' person and I want the fuss. I have told him but I just don't think he can do it. Perhaps because I'm not important enough to him. Perhaps he's too self-conscious. Dunno...

I'm not bothered and never have been because hubby and kids randomly and fairly often show me what a good mum I am not just on a specific day so it means more to me

What did he say when you told him it's important to you that he makes a fuss on mother's day?

Would he do something like make breakfast?
Does he ever do a supermarket shop and just put a plant and chocs in with the shopping?

It's actually very easy for someone who is involved in family life.

Or perhaps because you have suddenly decided to change the goal posts, and what he thought was an area of compatibility is now a morphing into a major area of contention that is going to come round repeatedly, many times a year for as long as your together.

You say you think he can't do it, and he might be too self-conscious, as if these are somehow faults in him, rather than valid feelings he has every right to, and every right to express, and that you have no right to challenge and invalidate, particularly as you started the relationship on the false pretence of agreeing with him.

I have two relatives that want "days" celebrated. it is a major PITA. I hate it every year, and I think it is a total waste of money and very bad for the environment. However I indulge them because they are very elderly, and come from an era when sending cards was a norm and socially acceptable.

There is no way I would indulge someone who suddenly decides mid adult relationship that they want to fundamentally change the expectation

@PlaceYourBetsPlease did he actually say he "couldn't do it"?
What can't he do - sit with the children for 15 minutes and help them draw a picture "for mummy" or make you your favourite breakfast/lunch and get the children to help (which could be a simple as getting a plate out of the cupboard)?
If he "can't" do that - then something isn't quite right.
Sorry 🙁