How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

This is such a common issue, regardless of what jobs people do. So my DH has always worked full time, as did I until our DD was born. I went back initially part time and recently increased my hours back to 5 days a week. So I was doing the lions share of housework and life admin things too, I naively expected my DH would start helping out more but no! He’s taken out a season ticket to his football team so has lots of time away from home now! Feels bloody unfair.

Absolutely agree with all of this.

Hate to say it but maybe a car?

I would be questioning the 9 pm finishes I think x

Read the thread, her OH works in a Boarding School therefore late finishes will be in his contract!

Both me and DP are teachers and although neither of us work until 9pm, DP's commute means I do all the drop offs and pick ups, cook the dinners, laundry etc because he just can't. He will do the cleaning at the weekend but only because I'm quite prepared to live in a pit 🫣😂
It can be exhausting but we're both in non conventional educational environments which affords some flexibility otherwise our days would be much longer - hopefully not until 9pm though.
I tend to do some work at the weekend and some in the evenings in order to pick the kids up at the end of the school day instead of constant wraparound care which is what I'd have to do if I taught in a school. A teacher friend has managed to leave her school 15mins early three days a week so she can pick her kids up at the end of the school day. Some schools are showing support but it'a a slow process.

Try being married to a postman. Goes to bed at 6pm every night, 9 pm on holidays. He gets up at 4, then moans at me if I want a lie in untill 8 am on his days off. He says I am wasting the day. He moans at me if I hoover after 6, evan though somedays thats the only time I have time to do it. I would swap to being married to a teacher anyday.

Boarding schools pay much better than state schools and IME also have more holiday. The downside is more hours during term time and weekends.
i have very close friends who have just stopped working in boarding schools after decades. They have been looking at other jobs but going into a state school even doing the same job is much less money as they have not built up seniority in the state sector.

In the independent boarding sector you basically have almost no private life during term time that’s why so many teachers live on site in tied accommodation. What’s described sounds absolutely normal from my experience. The longer holidays and the accommodation are meant to compensate but in the OPs case the latter is obviously not available.

I am a state school teacher but several friends from university have gone into the independent sector. Those who work in boarding schools universally live on site. One of my close friends resisted this and lived off-site for as long as she could but once she had her own children it was impossible. She is now a housemistress at a public school and on the whole finds that the advantages of living over the shop outweigh the disadvantages. She and her husband have also been able to let the property that they own, which has been financially very helpful.

In the short term OP, it sounds like you need access to a car. Longer term if your DH wants to stay in the sector you should seriously consider moving into family accommodation on site, especially if finances are tight.

I'm a teacher in a state school but have friends in local independent schools (non-boarding). The pay is not necessarily as good in independent schools and I think a lot is expected from you from parents and management. The main advantage is smaller classes, more resources and better behaviour.

I work full time but do all school drop offs and pick ups and the bulk of the housework too. His hours on top of the commute sound like the main problem but obviously they aren't going to change if he stays at the school he's at.

It's a sad state of existence. Even though I'm transitioning out of school work, I still feel that I have to leave a lot of 'everyday life' until the next set of school holidays.

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Teacher. Mum. I do ALL school drop offs and pick ups. I don’t work full time though. DH works full time but does most cooking and ironing, some shopping and some running around with DCs activities. I do all cleaning. He takes the mental load with house/car admin. I do all DC admin. It’s tough but we share. I find school holidays much harder when I have everything

This! I still do shopping, washing, cooking, picking kids up, taking to swimming lessons, admin…

I’m a teacher and I have to do pretty much everything. My hubby has adhd and he works part time and does school pick up. We have four kids and I’m constantly washing, cooking or doing the dishwasher. My house is forever untidy and I do my best. My hubby does help but I need to tell him what to do as he just can’t hold the household management and doesn’t see mess at all. I’ve just learnt to lower my expectations and do what I can. X

IAte, do you work in a boarding school?

I know 2 secondary school teachers, one is head of department other is deputy head of dept. Neither of them opt out of family life during term time, and neither are out late or doing marking til all hours. One is frequently at her youngest son’s primary school at 3:30pm to pick him up. I also know 3 primary school teachers and they tend to work a normal 8-5pm day and have all the holidays off. They are all very good teachers and are well regarded. I’d be interested to know what your husband is doing til 9pm every night. Also, do you work? If not it seems entirely reasonable for you to do all school runs etc, and do the housework. If you are working full time as well then you need to split the chores and childcare equally. Is there a reason you don’t drive? Both my husband and I work, I am part time so I do more of the chores and school runs, but certainly not all of it. If I was a SAHM I would do it all, but that has never been the case in our household.

The lack of comprehension demonstrated in the replies on this post is ridiculous. For the millionth time, her OH works in a Boarding School so late nights will be in his contract.

It’s not easy! It’s caused many many arguments. This next half term is only 5 weeks but he’s got 3 parents evenings and an open evening. He’s also got 2 twilights. He leaves at 7.30am and doesn’t get in til 6 earliest. Then his nights are spent marking etc. He’s said he will get a different job but I know how much he loves it so I don’t want him to do that. I’ve felt second to his job for years!

Yes it’s quite staggering isn’t it. Just shows that some people just cannot extend their comprehension beyond their own experience.

Posted in duplication

I'm married to a teacher, he's now Deputy Principal (deputy head of school in UK I think?). I'm a lawyer and we have three kids under 8.

The term is a sh*tshow. And I do 90%, even around court. I am writing this from the train at 7.30am on my way to work having made the lunches and dropped off three kids, and gone to bed alone the night before because every day of the weekend he works 9pm-12am. It's rough!

On the other hand the holidays are unbelievable, we save soooo much money in holiday care, and for those 12 weeks a year (almost 1/4) he does everything all day with the kids, I just get up and go to work. I have friends who are juggling all summer with who goes where and when, and I feel really lucky in these moments!

I'm also really proud to be married to a public school teacher passionate about his work. I'm much more forgiving of the hours given how valuable his contribution to society is.

So basically I'm saying I get it, there's no solution really, and I try and (grit my teeth and) focus on the positives!

Posted in duplication

Try having a self employed husband who leaves at anywhere between 4am - 6am and isn’t home till 6pm-9pm. And if they have a day “off” it involves sleeping in (can’t really blame them) then doing all the jobs involved in keeping business going that can’t be done while working. You have a DH who has lots of holidays and weekends off! I could never imagine such luxury😂