How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

Female teacher here - I have to do two pick ups a week, take kids to clubs and provide dinner at least twice a week. I do their packed lunches and all laundry. Why does your DH get to opt out?

@OverTheCountryClub

so, you've been teaching 10 years.

its safe to say NONE of them were in an indie.

I went to private school and yes, the hours are long and yes, you have to stay late and cover boarding and work Saturdays. It's really not a job that's compatible with having a young family.

I was a day pupil and was at school from 8.15 - 17.30. Activities often went on until 7pm, then there was dinner and homework for the boarders as well as their own activities.

If a teacher was on boarding duty they wouldn't leave until 10pm. If they were in on an early morning it would mean being at school for 7am. Weekends you wouldn't get away until 12.30pm at the earliest, often later.

It gets easier as you work your way up though - generally you don't need to run as many clubs or do as many late nights but there's a lot of work to get there first!

@lavenderlou - no of course the DH isn't obliged to work in an indie. Potentially guarantees having to pay only one third of the usual fees though for the family's own children.

This!!

We both teach- DH as a deputy head, I’m a class teacher in specialist provision. One of us had to be more available to parent- in our marriage it was me. I was available to drop off, pick up, do parenting stuff, look after the house etc. DH less so.

Teaching will take every hour you give it, there is never a time when it will give back time (excluding the middle of the summer holidays). He needs to learn to say no. (Yes, I know how hard it is, I’ve been in the job for 26 years.)

Really, you never get these years back. He needs to be there while he can.

It is irrelevant. You can have different expectations and still contribute something to the running of the house. He’s doing pretty much nothing and that isn’t fair.

This makes me worry because I’m praying one day DP doesn’t ask this about me. I think all
schools are different and what might seem as a ridiculous expectation at one is seen as doing the bare minimum at another.

I come home and I do have the energy to make tea/do the laundry…. But I don’t have the energy to hold a conversation, have physical contact for at least an hour. But also I’m in bed fast asleep by 9pm usually.

I don't think he's taking the piss. I think he's struggling to get a good work-life balance. He's obviously a good dad in the holidays but he needs to achieve this in term-time too. I'm a teacher and I know no teacher who works until 9pm! Is he quite new to teaching? Is the management team unreasonable? He needs to find a way to cut corners - mark in class, use worksheets that don't get marked etc. This isn't sustainable.

Is the boarding duty optional? 17.30 is quite a late finish. Is this teaching or clubs? Could prep be done in this time? I went to independent school and the teachers worked until 3.30 unless doing a club.

Do you work at a boarding school
like the OPs husband?

Does your oh work at a boarding school like the op’s husband?

You also work at a boarding school?

Did she work at a boarding school
like the op’s husband?

A lot of men claim to work late but in reality they are relaxing and chatting in the office to avoid the evening childcare and housework. Don't fall for it.

Except the OPs DH works in a boarding school?!

@Chikoletta firstly as a parent of a DC who is a day pupil at a boarding school I see and appreciate all the hours that your DH will be working. The term times are incredibly intense but that's obviously slightly balanced out with the length of the holidays. I would just echo PP who say contract out as much of the domestic work as you can afford to eg cleaners/ironing etc.
Sorry if I've missed it but will your DC be attending the school? If so then obviously life will get easier then.

I despair of some of the posts on this thread. People just don't read properly and don't understand that not all teaching jobs are the same. Also, the long holidays may sound lovely but in effect a lot of the time is still spent planning, organising etc. Plus in my experience teachers are totally burned out in the holidays and often ill . It's true that depending on the school there can be great perks. I don't think these compensate for lack of time with the family though. I attended all parents evenings alone, because OH was always working . I did all the admin etc. He helped when he was home as much as he could., he was by no means not pulling his weight, but it was very isolating for me when he worked the hours he did. Also if you live in staff accommodation, it's very incestuous. Lots of gossip and people watching what you do. It's not feasible to live too far away because of the need to go back and forth all day. If it's necessary to be at a boarding house until 11 pm, you want to be home as quickly as possible afterwards, likewise travelling to work.

DH is a teacher and SLT (not in the UK) he does drop off and pick up as kids are with him, does the grocery shopping and tidied up does general washing up/ cooks etc. I do everything else because I'm not working FT at the minute. But even when I was working PT in the UK and he was teaching he still did his fair share.

My husband is not a teacher but is self employed and works very long hours. I do all the domestic stuff but I don't mind as I work normal hours (ie only 37 a week). I find if I don't expect anything of him I don't feel resentful. He also earns more than me so that is his contribution. Mine is the housework.

I think that the key phrase in your post is "not in the UK". And that renders the rest of your post pointless.

Boarding duty is NOT an optional, it is built into your contract. Every school will have different terms (there is no standard “burgundy” book equivalent) as they schools have different set ups.

Contracts will say how many boarding duties (which might vary for on and off site) how many hours of after school activities (mine is 3 hours a week), how many Saturday mornings, how many Saturday afternoon (2 terms for me), Sundays, breakfast, lunch and dinner duties etc….

Plus add on parents evening (6pm -9pm is standard), events, celebrations, house competitions etc….

Is he working at a boarding school?

The thing is, to those saying "not all schools are the same" - no, they are not. But you also consequently have a choice - teachers can work anywhere... So I choose to work in a school without Saturday school, Saturday sport and with a school day which doesn't finish at 5.30. So does DH. It's still an independent school with long holidays. Lots of the events being listed in the evenings other than boarding duty and parents evening are a choice - noone has to go to all the concerts etc, it's not in your contract. My DH used to go to a lot of this stuff before we had kids and now he goes to his events on the SLT rota and nothing else, because he prioritises seeing his children. OP's DH may have to do some of this stuff, but there are almost certainly other things he is doing where he could push back against having to go. Lots of teachers are martyrs and it doesn't make them necessarily any better at their job. I also work with some people who put in very very long hours who are incredibly inefficient.

Unless OP's DH is a boarding housemaster or the headmaster in which case I'm sorry and that's just part of the job!