How on earth do you stay married to a teacher?

[Chikoletta]

Am struggling with my DH and the general domestic load. In the hols he is a good dad and husband and life just feels so much more relaxed, it feels we can enjoy time as a family and that we work together to do the domestic work etc

But it’s an absolute shit storm in the termtime, I do all the kids drop offs and picks ups on public transport, all the cooking, laundry and kids bedrooms most of the week as he is out late until 9pm a couple of nights a week. Im exhausted and pregnant, the house is awful because I’m the only one trying to keep it tidy, plus additional stress of not having enough money.

BUT I used to be a teacher, I know how draining it is and his hours are extra long eg was in school half day today because it’s an independent.

So I don’t begrudge the burden on his plate, we are both exhausted and stressed and so often feel like our family is surviving, rather than thriving. But how on earth does anyone manage like this?! Keep fantasising about him
getting a new job but perhaps it’s a case of the grass being greener?

Yes, finally someone who understands.

He is not “swanning around doing as he pleases”

He works in a boarding school and as such HAS to be in school for duties some evenings. It’s part of his contract.

I am amazed at how so few people seem to grasp that.

OP - I would say (having been in your shoes, unlike most people who have posted), that on the days he finishes teaching at 5:30 he should leave to be home at 6:15 so he can help with bedtime and spend time with the children. Once they are in bed he can do some more work. The priority should be spending time with the children so you can have a break.

You know what the hours are like in a Boarding School? He isn't just swanning around.

Newbalance - multiple women have posted who also work in boarding school saying that their dh’s have to do majority of cooking / housekeeping in term time. I’m another. It’s the way it is if you, male or female, work in a boarding school!

The workload is still heavier in an independent school .

He is still early on in his career and I hope he can streamline his workload in the future as another poster mentioned. He has the shitty end of the stick as is the sole FT teacher for a particularly challenging course to teach, lots of additional hours needed to plan and mark etc but hopefully this will get easier.

I completely agree with this. This must be a possibility at least twice a week. It is very clear from OPs posts that her husband is sometimes choosing to stay late and do his own work. There isn't a boarding school in the land who expects it's non resident teaching staff to be in work until 9 every day.

There isn't a boarding school in the land who expects it's non resident teaching staff to be in work until 9 every day

She doesn't say he does it everyday.

Just to give an idea to those of you who don’t seem to understand how boarding schools work:

This week, my DH has had to be in school at 7am one morning for breakfast duty.

Then one day he’s had to stay in school until 7pm for supper duty.

Another day he’s had to be in school 7pm - 9pm for a presentation on GCSE options

Yesterday (so a Saturday) he had to go with the kids to a rugby match at a school 2 hours away, didn’t get back until gone 7pm

This is normal in a busy boarding school.

So during term time it is completely normal to seem like these teachers are “opting out” of family time. They’re not “swanning around”, they are working incredibly long hours.

The upside is that for 18 weeks of the year he is off. Can be fully involved in every aspect of the kids / housework etc.

It’s up to individual families to decide if that can work for them. When your own kids are young there is no doubt that it is hard going for both partners.

We decided the positives outweighed the negatives. Our kids had one parent “present” (I taught part time and did all pick ups etc) during term time and they have fond memories of both parents being there every school holiday. They also benefitted from the reduced fees and were able to attend the school themselves.

OP - maybe longer term you could look at moving nearer or even on-site, that might help hugely.

Since when is doing his job doing "as he pleases"

He works in a boarding school. That means long days and late nights unfortunately. It's not optional.

I know a lot of teachers.... Almost all the female ones work part time or quit altogether after having children.

There are female teachers in boarding schools too. Either their partners have to do a lot of domestic stuff and childcare or they have Nannies and cleaners.

The blunt truth is that the combination of small children and a 40 minute commute is just not compatible with life in boarding school.

Pretty much all the teachers at my boarding school did a one or more of the following to make it work:

Lived on site with their partner so they could pop home regularly and had no commute to get to work.
Had children who were old enough to attend the school (getting rid of any childcare problems)
Worked part-time to fit around children.
Had older/adult children so that childcare wasn't an issue.
Lived within a 5-10 minute drive or on one of the school bus routes.

Boarding school life means having to do your share of 7am starts, 7pm finishes and regular boarding duty. It's really not compatible with small children unless you have a SAHP or pay a fortune for cleaners etc.

I'm certainly one. I'm in senior leadership in a top independent school. On Friday I came home at 8pm, worked until 11pm on some exam administration that needed to be done asap, then yesterday worked 4 hours and today another 4 there's several upcoming events that need extra work putting in. My husband took over all home responsibilities including evening meals and washing up and I have put the youngest to bed last night and I will tonight, but I'm absolutely spent. My husband arranged a play date for our son too while I worked in the study. So yeah, it does happen, and yes, some roles do require those hours. I have an event on Wednesday that requires me to be at school until 8pm, for example. It's relentless.

OP, I do hope you get some well deserved down time too. I try and pick up all the slack during the holidays but I know it's not enough. I love my job, but it is not compatible with family life.

It is the OP's DH's choice to work in a boarding school 40 minutes away. I don't know anything about boarding school salaried compared to the state sector - generally teachers in the independent sector are not paid better than their state counterparts, but this may be different at boarding schools - but unless he is earning considerably more it doesn't seem that this choice is the best one for their family circumstances.

But he's not working late every night so he can chip in on the evenings he's not working will 9pm.

There isn't always the option to just switch schools, though.

I live in a small town with one secondary school. Apart from that, the nearest secondary (either private or state) is a 40 minute drive away.

He may not have a choice.

Interesting @lavenderlou i thought indie schools were generally better pay and certainly better working Conditions (in terms of being able to teach rather than firefight due to bad behaviour). This was my DHs reason for aiming for the private sector. He does earn more than equivalent in state but perhaps more is expected too.

We have agreed that he will do one more year max and look for another role, is area is a bit niche, not unusual but they tend to be small departments and not all schools teach his specialism. The ideal would be a non-boarding indie but haven’t found one yet.

As for moving, so not up for that right now as we have had a lot of moves and need some stability, the move to this school/area was due to the high cost of housing and stupid hours of the last school (believe it or not).

We are in the trenches right now but do think it will improve in the future.

Agree about people-pleasing, workaholic tendencies in teaching though, so important to set boundaries and be content with ‘good enough’

This isn’t atypical hours for state school either though. Even when I’m doing a really heavy week, I still manage to do the washing, load the dishwasher, dry dishes, cook meals, tidy etc. The house isn’t perfectly tidy and sometimes I forget to wash uniform until the last minute, but it’s ok and we make it work between us.

I’m not suggesting that he isn’t working hard at school, the problem is when he gets home. It takes very little time to do some of these things but it would make a big difference to the OP. Even if he was working 7am - 9pm six days a week (which he isn’t), it does’t preclude him from doing a couple of tasks in the home. Teaching is exhausting (state, independent and boarding) but he still needs to take part in family life.

Boarding schools may pay more than other schools because of additional duties. A lot of independents don't- they rely on people wanting to work there because of smaller class sizes etc. Another thing to consider is if your DH's school is (and will continue to be) signed up to the Teacher's Pensions scheme as many independents are withdrawing and the pension scheme is still one of the better incentives of teaching.

It's also a balance between how important this particular job is to him compared to managing your family life. State schools also have a high workload but more flexibility about where you can do the work. He could come home earlier and help with the family then work in the evening as most teachers with children do. If he could find a closer school, that would also free up time. It's a conversation you need to have as a family but it is important to discuss the different options that are fair to both of you.

Independent school teacher (retired). Bit much but entirely possible. Parents evenings, music, longer day, drama, sport. I was never home before 6. 2 hours more work after supper.

Single parent with daughter in the same school. We lived in school, only way. Ate excellent and varied school dinner and supper. All working parents compromise on something. I didn’t cook. Never out during the week.